7 Nights in Phuket + Giveaway

My sister Mrs Ryan called the other day. “Do you fancy a week in Phuket?”

Well yes I do thank you, BUT I have sold exactly NO Advertising space on this bloody blog, Saturdays with SawHole T-shirt sales have gone to shit, I got fired from the morning shift at adultfantastyhouse live-chat and my shoe habit has spiralled out of control.

But it was all arranged. I just put the whole thing on the credit card this morning and now I am ignoring a thousand calls from Mr Woog. I will listen to the messages later.

Now that I have that out of the way, of course a small problem presents itself. How can I lose 20 kilos in 5 weeks. Sitting here typing and drinking coffee is not going to fix that little issue. And swimmers! I need new togs. Something along the line of this…. but in plain black.

I was thinking about this yesterday afternoon while the Divine Ms M and I indulged in a Thai massage, to get into the spirit of it all. As she lay in the booth next to me, making small pops from her bottom and apologising to the masseuse, I was getting put through the wringer. The Thai lady massaging me informed me that I held all my tension in my lower back, particularly my butt. Which now explains perhaps why it is so big. To make it look smaller, I plan on getting a spray tan. I then stumbled across this fantastic invention which will assist me in getting a VERY VERY even coverage.

Remind me to wax before I go.

Anyway, in celebration of this upcoming trip, I am giving you the chance to win one of my favourite things! The brilliant Benefit Cosmetics has hooked me up with 3 boxes of my favourite bronzer so you too can look like you have just come back from holidays!
I love this bronzer. There I have said it. It has no glittery shit in it so you do not look like you have just come from Las Vegas partying with Tara Reid. It comes with a great brush contained within the box. But I use a big fooffy one. Sweep it across your forehead, across your cheekbones and a small run down the middle of your face and VOILA! Hot to trot.

There are a billion bronzers on the market, but this one is like Bahamas in a Box. Even if you do not win, go treat your pasty face to some Hoola lovin. It is a basic right and should be on the Medicare rebate scheme.

To enter, please comment on this post telling me why winning Hoola Bronzer is the next best thing to being on holiday with Mrs Woog.

And if you are one of the few who HAS been on holidays with me, please do not mention my addiction to Bacardi Breezers while lying on the beach. I am blaming those fizzy bliss bombs for my fat ass in the first place.

Three winners will be chosen on Monday 30th August by the Benefit Genius’s and will be announced here on WoogsWorld.
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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10327661563449068137 Gifts of Serendipity

    Hooray for holidays!
    x Felicity

    PS If you’ve got your heart set on that particular cossie, me thinks you’ll find them aplenty in downtown Phuket..just saying.

  • http://notdrowning.wordpress.com/ The NDM of Not Drowning, Mothering

    Being of very pale complexion (not helped by my current way-too-dark hair dye job), any attempt of mine to ‘bronze up’ ends up with me looking an Oompa-Loompa.

    Can’t I just come on holiday with you, please? Pretty please??

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03596142995497292286 Bronnie Marquardt

    Hahaha. Erm, how does one even come up with the idea for a spray tan helper like that? Clearly I live a sheltered life…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10050303695579821042 Lulu

    bugger the swimsuit, I think you should try to achieve the hair in that shot…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10050303695579821042 Lulu

    and oh fark on the bum thing…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09864159431263238147 michie_z

    Winning Hoola Bronzer is the next best thing to being on holiday with Mrs Woog because when I holiday with Mrs Woog (or in fact any time spent with her) I always feel like I’ve had a good roasting.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04339773113889860348 x0xJ

    Well if i can’t be on holidays with Mrs Woog, working on my “real” tan, then Hoola Bronzer will have to do i guess. At least it’s not going to give me skin cancer right?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03438808939279643867 Good Golly Miss Holly!

    Oh. My God. That spray tan butt plug has me in stitches!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14440340751455712080 Ren- Lady Of The Arts

    Okay I totally NEED the bronze all over thingy.
    That is high larious.

    I love Benefit and have a few things by them- but not this, in which case winning this would be the next best thing to getting the butt holder open thing/ going on vacay with YOU.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10167871917239108667 cupcakesofkensington

    No more real tanning for me!! No seriously, if i get any more real tans my hideous freckles will join together to form one super freckle called Jacinta.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15761220164069379437 Maxabella

    Getting the spray tan will help significantly with the weight-loss factor. Brown skin always looks infinitely smaller than white skin. I’m not saying you’ll knock off 20 kegs, but the illusion of non-grandeur will help significantly.

    If you can’t get your hands on one of those nifty little brass cheek-holder-openers, you could always just run a bit of Benefit bronzer up your crack. I’m sure it would be less painful, but only if you use a separate brush and don’t double dip. Or you could just skip the crack-tan and just not bend over in a g-string on the beach. Yes, don’t do that.

    Obviously there is nothing even close to going on a Thai beach holiday with Woogsy and Mrs Ryan, but I guess throwing a sun-in-a-tub my way could be reasonable compensation. If anything, I deserve a tub because I’m white as a ghost (they call me Casper at the P&C, if you really want to know) and I’ve just written the world’s longest comment so that in itself deserves an award for participation (something my children seem to specialise in).

    Happy holiyays!

    x

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13009715674974259128 So Now What?

    Oh God, that gold metal bolt thing in the buttocks is disturbing!! But wait, an arse you could crack a walnut on would be amazing.

    I have just been complaining that my new mineral makeup makes me look like a clown and quite a few have told me it’s probably bronzer. I fail at makeup.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09152671021671760212 MMBB

    Isn’t that just a cotton spool? I’ve got plenty of those! Awesome bumcrack, here I come!

    A bronzer without sparkles? YES, me want. I hate sparkley bronzers, I want to look brown, not like I just stepped out of a fucking Twilight convention @_@ *sparkle sparkle*

  • http://www.helpmum.com.au/ Tenille

    Though I do love the Benefit cosmetics you’ve sent my way, I don’t need the bronzer. I just needed to say how much I’m looking forward to seeing the holiday snaps of you bouncing down a Thai beach in those togs.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17307287345268299072 Jacki

    OK, the bottom contraption has me completely baffled…. But as for the bronzer, I am prone to freckling as soon as I step outside, the only way for me to get a healthy glow is to fake it. And since I can’t fake a holiday, won’t you help me?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00101702027659236886 Lori @ RRSAHM

    Am I the only one who thought you were giving away seven nights in Phuket?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15640295303098476856 Elizabeth

    We have just come back from Phuket and you Mrs Woog are totally going to fit in with that swimsuit. Orange fat always looks better than white fat so go with the fakie tan for sure.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09085544962410164806 Nadiah

    The designers of the spray-tan assisting device haven’t thought this through. By the time anyone realises that your tan is fake by the tan-line tucked away in your arse crack, it’s much too late for them to decline to be your friend. Well, to decline _tactfully_, anyway.

    (No bronzer for me thanks, I’m melanised enough).

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11332354464530426852 Di

    Well I’ve never met Mrs. Woog, but I’m sure she is absolutely delightful. And great fun to holiday with! But I’d definately need some Hoola Bronzer before travelling to an exotic location (or even out the front door really!). I’m fair-skinned and blonde, and tend to look a little pale without bronzer, and benefit is my current beauty must-have! I love the High Beam, Ooh La Lift and That Gal Primer. Which makes me think this bronzer would rock, too. Fingers crossed xx

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08600427311498297800 Being Me

    I am just plain LMAO (ooooh you’re a FANTASTIC diet). It could be the vodka – my own reason for my 20k-gee’s to lose, I’m tipping – but when you used the word ‘fooffy’…. I am going to be LMAO all night. I’d better look like I have in the morning.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16202229558357107209 Holly – MDM

    Not even a bronzer could top a holiday with SawHole.

    Just sayin’ ;)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01095323923070587294 Raina Cox

    So how does one explain the pale twin circles in one’s arse crack?

  • http://www.cocktailsatnaptime.blogspot.com/ EmmaK

    lose 20lb in a week no problemo simply swallow a large tapeworm – try an undercooked meat pie at the worst pub in town for chronic dysentry and gushing diarrhoea!! have fun

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02634987114195614214 Kristy

    Oh my, the butt seperator. Wow. Well, thank goodness you’ll only use it for spray tan. Wouldn’t want to have to get part of your butthole removed for a skin cancer scare.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05302489120654085490 Cate P

    I can’t concentrate, I’m stuck on that photo.
    So it’s like an egg separator … only for butt cheeks. Actually it looks like a cotton reel…. you could catch up on your sewing at the same time…
    Speechless.
    I’m a paleface, aint nothing gonna change that.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06124224647059797583 kim at allconsuming

    I want to see your fake tan with some abs worked into the distribution. Because I’m caring like that.

    I have never owned ‘bronzer’ so I figure as I am fast falling towards 40 now is as good a time as any to start.

    Also, all of my makeup, and I mean ALL of my makeup is at least 5 years old.

    I know you know I’m not joking.

    I like to think I’m just like kd lang but know it’s really more Germaine Greer. Oi.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16996394434550425881 Katie

    Haha omg i love your blog! I just found it and i love your writting stlye!

    I totally agree with the no sparkle crap, if i wanted to look like a 5 year old trying out their new dollar store makeup i would do just that…GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE. Also i think that my very pale complexion could use any help it could get.

    [email protected]

  • http://writingbeforeyoureyes.blogspot.com/ Pauline

    Oh Mrs Woog, how I need bronzer! I’ve recently had strangers (1 shouting from a car window) tell me I need a tan. When I went out in a bikini, I was told to ‘put that away’ (pointing at my butt) ‘The aliens will see the sun reflecting off your butt & send the mother ship down’ My skin is seemingly tan-resistant & although I’ve had burns, they fade to white within a day & then my skin peels a week later. A strange effect when no burn is evident & peeling seems random. Help!
    PS My bronzer smashed a few days ago & needs to be replaced

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05086583151635360861 jhitomi

    I would love to win this because I live in the Pacific Northwest (as far north as you can get) so I can use a bronzer to keep from looking too pale from lack of sun.
    jhbalvin at gmail dot com

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08092268969585638182 austhome

    As this’ll not turn me streaky yellow like a fake tan I used decades ago, it’s something that Mrs Woog and I could talk about while holidaying together.