Marriage is so Gay.

SawHole is not here. She is in China sourcing new Merch. I have not heard from her for a while. But she will be fine. As long as there are spring rolls, she will be fine. I said she will be fine. And I have an infected cuticle which is making typing very hard. So I am not saying anything today.

Instead, I have asked an ex of mine to write me a little something special. And he has. Thank god I turned him gay. Steven Murphy is a Sydney based Publicity Supremo who has to get something off his (immaculately waxed) chest.


I’ve actually found it much harder to write this piece for Mrs Woog than I would have ever predicted. There is so much I want to say, it’s a subject that is very close to my heart. I’m incredibly passionate about it, I’m very vocal about it and I want to share with you what I think may be quite a different perspective. The subject is gay marriage. It’s a hot topic at the moment and I feel that the debate that is currently taking place is missing the point on many levels and I think what I have to say may resonate with you much more than the fierce editorial pieces you read in the papers.

But first a little about me so you can understand where I am coming from. I’m a very proud gay man. From that light bulb moment when I was 23 (yes, quite late in life) when I finally understood who I truly was I have embraced the gay lifestyle. And I’ve loved it! I’ve never felt threatened because of my sexuality, I’ve never felt in danger. I’ve always had amazing friends and family who care. In a community where so many horror stories exist of discrimination and outcasting I’ve never had that happen to me. I am incredibly lucky. I believe one of the reasons why is that I wear my sexuality on my sleeve with great confidence. There is no one I meet who presumes for a second that I am a straight-boy, or worse, a closeted or frustrated gay man. Isn’t it ironic then that the only prejudice or discrimination I’ve felt in my life is from my government.

I am also incredibly lucky that at exactly the right time in my life I met a boy called Ashley. (left)

We moved in together after 4 months and bought our first house at 9 months. We’ve been together for 6 years now and in every respect, besides that piece of paper, we are a married couple. We both work hard, we pay a lot of taxes, we stress over the renovations. We love dinner with friends and time on the couch. We fight over the remote but both love our resort holidays. We don’t mind paying more for our dog’s haircuts than we do our own. We fight over money, we love Centennial Park. My family is his family, his family is mine, we now share all of our friends. There is nothing outrageous about us, we live the same life as any other mid-30’s couple. Except that our government does not feel that we are worthy of being recognised the same as a straight couple – and that INFURIATES ME!

Society and government have worked so hard to eradicate all forms of discrimination and ensure equality for all. Why does this not extend to gay relationships? Why does my government feel that it can say to me and all gays and lesbians that our relationships are not as valid, not as worthy, not as recognisable as straight relationships? I think there are sectors of society that believe being gay is Mardi Gras, promiscuity, dirty sex and drugs and therefore feel they can’t validate ‘that’ lifestyle. Are you kidding me!

This is a debate about human relationships not a sexual act. It should be a debate about human love not a clichéd, misrepresented lifestyle. It makes me so angry that what has been lost in this debate is the human desire to have a partner, to create a life together and to be able to celebrate that love with their family and friends. This shouldn’t be a debate about sexuality but about all men and women being able to celebrate their love for their partner.

The other thing that really upsets me about the inequality of gay relationships is the message it sends to young gay and lesbians. For children who are beginning to feel they are different to their brothers and sisters through to teens who are struggling to understand how to express their sexuality – what message does this inequality send them? The subliminal message to gay youth is that when they grow up and fall in love it won’t mean as much.

When I think about the ‘journey’ of my sexuality there was only one moment when it truly devastated me that I was gay. It was a few years after I ‘came out’ and I got a phone call from my much-loved mum to share some exciting, beautiful news. My cousin Jill was getting married. My cousins and I grew up together like brothers and sisters so I was ecstatic for Jill and Scott, they are perfect for each other. The whole family was over the moon. My mum was so proud and so happy.

I literally broke down and cried for 3 days. The reason was it was the first time that the harsh reality really hit home that I wouldn’t be able to make my mum proud like that, that I wouldn’t be able to share my love with my family the way my brother and cousins can, that I was undeniably on a different path. While I was cruising around Sydney having a fabulous time being fabulously gay it suddenly hit home that as comfortable and confident as I there was a fundamental and truly divisionary difference with how I loved. It was heartbreaking.

So when you see news footage this weekend of the Same Sex Marriage Rally being held in Sydney, ignore those images that pop up in your mind of camp-as-Xmas queens, butch lesbians, Mardi Gras, Jack from Will & Grace, Rupert Everett in My Best Friends Wedding and every other boring, tired gay cliche.

Instead I want you to think of Ash and I on the couch arguing over who should win Australia’s Next Top Model. Imagine what it would be like for a 15 year old who’s being called a fag on Facebook. These are the reasons why our government needs to give gay relationships equality. Our government is there to ensure all Australians get a ‘fair go’ and I am here to tell you that they are not. I passionately feel our government urgently needs to change the legislation so gays can marry so that all human relationships are equally validated.

We fall in love, we take care of our partners, we create lives together, we can even have our hearts broken – just like everyone else.


So why can’t we get married?

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  • Absolutely agree with you, well said! Strange I didn’t realise that gay marriage wasn’t legal in Australia. Thank you for sharing your story so eloquently, I agree that much of what is said publically stems from ignorance and fear.

  • Great post, I absolutely agree, same sex couples deserve the same rights to formalise their loving committed relationships through the bond of marriage.

  • My partner epilates his chest. He is tougher than I 😉

    PS we’re not getting married, but don’t want to deny anyone else the right to.

  • I completely agree. We are still behind here in America as well, with only a state or two recognizing gay marriages and no reciprocity.

  • Great post Mr Murphy. I hope that soon our Governemnt changes it ways.

    Can your next guest post be all about your dating days with Mrs Woog?

  • God love the pair of you, gorgeous. And a great post too. You have my total support in your desire for true equal rights.

  • Hi Mrd Woooog, I just tagged you in my latest blog post! You now have 7 secrets to share, if you dare! p.s. Sorry to post this comment on a guest post (and such a fab and important guest post) – I didn’t know how else to reach you! x http://nataliemurray.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-7-secrets-to-share.html

  • That is such a strong, beautiful post. I too am angry on your behalf – two people who love each other should be able to recognise that commitment with marriage if they choose. It’s outrageous that there’s all this debate – good grief, the law is wrong – change the bloody thing.

    Thank you so much for sharing x

  • What a powerful and beautiful story.

    My wish is that when my children are adults, this will be an incredulous story we tell them. The one about, the fact that people of the same sex couldn’t get married in 2010 in Australia.

    Bern x

  • What a heartfelt and wonderfully written post. I agree with what PPMJ has said, why the fuss, let’s just get on it with it. Let people in love get married, it should be a basic right for all.

  • Love. Love it. I identify with so much of this but whenever I try to write seriously about it I tend to crack jokes – I guess because it hurts a little too much otherwise.

    Spot on.

    Rick

  • So true… gays should have the same rights as everyone else. Very well written x

  • What a beautiful, sane post. I’ve never understood the fear of homosexuality (and I think it is fear that drives all the enmity). Of all the things in the world to get upset about, why get worked up over two people loving each other?

  • I totally agree!
    You have every right to get married and celebrate your relationship together!
    Hopefully the law’s will be changed quick smart.

    All the best! 😀

  • Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post. Let’s hope we can change the system ASAP. It’s just not right.

  • Yes, we really do still live in the Stone Age. Lawmakers? Dumb Arses.

  • It infuriates me too!! I don’t get it at all. It’s out and out prejudice and it’s mixing state and religion and that just gives me the sloppy, putrid shits. When I see a couple such as yourself unable to formally commit your union I just want to walk into Parliament House and slug someone. There is no doubt in my mind that a referendum in this country would give gay marriage the big thumbs up. x

  • St Murphy, you are an absolute gem – have loved “meeting” you on Twitter and love you even more after this post. There are so many things I love about Australia. And this is SO not one of them.

  • I am a bit teary reading this. Well done MG.
    BTW did your divorce from Mrs Woog ever come through? You might want to look into that.

  • Couples deserve the right to marry. Firstly, to celebrate their love, but secondly to also access the legal rights that the law gives spouses. There’s too many sad stories of same-sex spouses left out in the cold after a will challenge by family. It’s just not right. The law should be changed to allow gay marriage pronto!

  • Nathanael

    Steve, what a wonderful, beautiful piece. It is about time that someone captured the human element of the same sex marriage debate.
    And you have captured it beautifully.
    I am utterly ashamed to be Australian because of this debate.
    There was a poll done of Queensland politicians and from memory all of them said they were against gay marriage.
    Saying that is the same as saying you are against eating or against air. It is as natural for two men to fall in love as it is for dumb politicians to eat their state sponsored banquets.
    More so in fact.
    Dude, you need to be a spokesperson on this because you managed to remove the gay from the gay marriage debate and make it relevant to everyone.
    Big ups
    x

  • I agree wholeheartedly Steve… it infuriates me how much inequality still exists in this day and age – and how much people seem happy to put up with..!? You’d think we were in the dark ages on some fronts. Keep campaigning and complaining. x

  • A brilliant post and I am amazed that for a country that I’d always considered quite forward thinking, hasn’t got around to allowing gay people to marry the loves of their lives.

    Hopefully it will wise up soon.

  • great post! I am so passionate about this! I am sad that it’s still an issue in this day and age. Why are we still debating this? It’s a human rights issue surely. let people marry the person they love. end of.
    I hope this current push and rally will set the wheels in motion for the change we need.

  • Thank you for this eloquent post. I think you are right about the ‘fear factor’ and the narrow idea some people have about what it is to be gay – in cultivating (whether intentionally or not) an idea of all gay people as ‘other’ or ‘different’ (‘those people on the mardi gras floats’) it’s easier to be prejudiced than in thinking of a relationship between two loving adults fighting over the remote. Your piece should be printed in a mainstream newspaper for people who seem to need some help to reframe their views.

    When every couple are equal under the law, then marraige as an institution will take on more legitimacy and value IMO. I will see my marraige to my husband as more valid and true knowing that every couple who wishes to can enjoy the same right, the same freedom as us. It’s not just the gay teens who this is sending the wrong message to, although obviously it is harder for them. What message is it sending to their straight peers? That if they hold bigoted views, they are endorsed by government FFS? How do I explain to my children that certain people are allowed to get married while others are excluded for no good reason other than that they share a gender? I hope that soon I won’t have to. This is something that should make every citizen livid.

  • Oops – meant to say ‘excluded for no good reason’ OR ‘no reason other than that they share a gender’ – obviously, this is not a good reason. You get the gist. x

  • What a wonderful guest post and I too agree with you 110% you and your partner should have all the same rights as any other couple and that includes marriage and adoption if you so wish. In The Netherlands same sex marriages are legal so why does this beautiful country of ours have to be so far behind and why does our government have to behave like Emus with their heads buried in the sand? I really wish I knew. I hope that you and everyone else that is in a same sex marriage can one day soon be a couple with that piece of paper that makes it all :legal”

  • Thank you for sharing your story and putting a very real face on this debate. I’m sorry that there even is a debate, it should just be. I don’t understand why we discriminate against same sex couples in this way, and I’m very disappointed in our government shying away from the issue for fear of pissing off the conservatives.

  • yeah I didn’t realise gay marriage wasn’t legal in australia either – and you have those great gay parades! I think its legal in Spain since 2005 and not in Australia WTF?

  • Bel

    Such an amazing piece.
    It makes me teary that in 2010 same sex marriage is still not legal.

  • Human rights for all dammit! Progress, sadly, really is so slow. You and Ashley look like fabulous types. Blessings to you!

  • sleemol

    Oh, Steven. You’re the most amazing person I know. Next to myself. Great post and could not agree more. You deserve every happiness in the world. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful and heart-felt story with everyone.

  • Sorry, I’m going to be greedy with two comments. I’ve just watched another “It Gets Better” video – from the team at Pixar. Hearing their stories makes me want to fight so hard for gay marriage. Hopefully once everything is ‘normalised’ then there was be such awful stories from young gay and lesbians – it’s won’t have to ‘get better’ it just will ‘be better’. Marriage is one of those steps.

    I’ve emailed my local members asking them to really consider this issue well. Every step we take can help. This is wrong – let’s make it right.

  • Let’s hope the government in this country has the balls to address this and soon. It’s riduculous that 2 people who love each other can’t get married because they are the same sex.

  • well said….your closing statement says it all….and yes, everyone deserves a fair go

    great post

    gill xo

  • Fifi_labelle1

    Marriage should be open to whoever wants to follow that path, it shouldn’t be about religion, race, gender, etc. If two people want to make a commitment to each other then I don’t feel as a society that we have any say over their individual rights. Gay marriage is a topic that we really shouldn’t be wasting conversation on (I mean that in a positive way)…I find it irritating that it is even debated in parliament – I mean what’s the big deal ???? If people want to spend their life together & marriage is their chosen path – let them just do it !!!!
    I also wanted to say that the blog was beautifully written 🙂 truthful, passionate & brilliant, and I agree 100%…..xx

  • Steven Murphy

    THANK YOU SO MUCH WOOGSWORLD!!! I just wanted to say that I am so humbled and incredibly excited by the reaction that Mrs Woog and I have had to this post. It means so much I can’t even begin to tell you. At Woogsworld and on Facebook and Twitter we’ve had an amazing show of support, and hopefully we’ve had an influence in our own special way. I feel we’ve still got a long way to go but to know there is such support for Gay marriage is incredibly reassuring. I sincerely hope everyone takes a stand in their own community so that together we can change the legislation and the way gay relationships are perceived.

    Mrs Woog, I think you are truly amazing. Thank you so much for the opportunity. And of course, you are the HOTTEST blogger in town.

    Stay tuned Woogsworld, we’ll keep you posted as this important debate continues.

    Thank you,
    Steven

  • Hear, hear! Very good post!