Sex with Dad. Again.

Yesterday the phone call came as usual, at about 3pm.

It was Mr Woog with his daily question. “What are you cooking for dinner?”

I told him I was on a 24 hour strike due to the absolutely indescribable mountain of washing that I had gotten through during the day. I was done. We were going to go out for dinner.

At the pensioner hour of 5.30pm we rocked up to our local and most excellent Indian Restaurant. It is only one of a few Indian places that I will eat at. I have had too many bad experiences with bad Prawn Pakora’s in my lifetime.  This particular establishment showcases the cuisine of Northern India and specialises in something called a dosai,  which is a thin pancake stuffed with spiced potato. It is sublime.

The restaurant was fairly empty, apart from indeed a few pensionary types who were seated at tables nearby.

Dinner was delicious. The conversation during dinner was interesting.

We have always had a “ask the question and I shall tell you the answer” policy when it comes to teaching the kids about sex. You can read about the initial sex talk I had with one of my sons here.

So anyway,  Jack asks if I was going to have another baby.  I tried to mask my horror but smiled at him and told him no.

“Because you would have to have sex with Dad again!” 

Harry basically yelled this out just as the restaurant had one of those silences that are always reserved for when a child has something totally inappropriate to say. And because Mr Woog and I are so cool about these things,  when internally we were both shrinking, we explained that that was not the reason.

The reason was that we cannot control the two we have,  why would we want to add to the equation.

And then he said something to inappropriate that I cannot repeat it.  This signalled the time for the bill. On the walk home,  I told Mr Woog he was going to have to have a chat with our eldest son about manly stuff and feelings and hormones. I listened in later as Mr Woog said “That happens to me too son” and slapped said son on the back before turning on the snooker championships.

Excellent work Mr Woog.

What is the most embarrassing thing your kid has ever said?
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  • Rachel from Redcliffe Style

    hahaha. My girls have said so many embarrassing things I don’t even notice it anymore. Other people are embarrassed but not me. I love my oblivious little bubble. It’s awesome. Rachel 

  • Alex aka Whoa Mumma!

    In the playground the other day the little girls were arguing over who was smarter/ taller/ better at going down the slide when one blurted out “Yeah?  Well YOU came out of mums bum when you were born!”

    So proud.

    • Photographer Mum

      omg, on the floor in stitches! Gold!!

  • Bec

    Going through the drive through at Maccas one evening and my 2nd born (who was 2 at the time) started yelling ‘penis, penis, penis’ at the top of his lungs. 

    We were in hysterics but the young girl serving us was bright red.

  • Danielle

    Golly gosh, Mrs W, if only my problem was as simple as an inappropriate child. At 2, he’s still barely speaking, but I, on the other hand am the Queen of Foot in Mouth.
    If my darling apples don’t fall far from my tree, then we’re no doubt in for some awkward moments in future!
    Pray I keep my humour!

  • Mayor Gia

    Hahhhahaah awkward.

  • Rex

    My 10 year old calls out from my bedroom one day … ” what’s a life style?” as I started to explain it’s the way you choose to live your life….as it hit me, it took me too 2 seconds to sprint to the bedroom and shove the items he held in his hand back in his fathers bedside table.

  • Annie

    Last night my 9 year old female emo was dropped home by the  very polite father of her friend. We stood at the door exchanging pleasantries and I sensed he was a little awkward as he had not seen me since I had the breastage removal op two weeks ago. The emo diffused the awkwardness nicely by (loudly) spruking “Look at Mum’s breast. You can’t even notice it was cut off!” Talk about your elephants in the room!

  • Veronica

    Currently my children are on a big “the baby will come out of your vagina, Mum!” bender. Which is fine, at home, amusing at school pick up and rather interesting when shouted in the supermarket. 

  • What Sarah Did Next:

    Picture a packed car park at Coles, loads of people around and me trying to put groceries in the boot while youngest son was in the throes of having a melt down. Older brother decides to step in and yells, in a voice audible to anyone within a 200m radius, “Stop doing that!! MUM’S GOT HER PERIOD!”

    Cue embarrassed pause and then me getting the hell out of there FAST.


    • Rachel from Redcliffe Style


  • Cath_BumpBabyAndBeyond

    Ha! Oh dear. Coffee on the iPad!

    We too go with the “If they ask, answer them” kinda policy. Cameron, now 6, asked about where babies came from about two years ago. After some age appropriate and, I thought, kinda awesome explaining we went shopping. At the checkout he says to the lady swiping our goodies “I’ve got a penis. I can make babies.” Stunned. Silence.

  • Rudyroo

    Oh so many.
    We, like you Mrs W, are very matter of fact about such matters. So my children seemed to be more well informed than most about such matters.  Caused a little bit of a stir when eldest girl decided to give an accurate sex education talk to the class in the toilets at kindy.
    But most recently was at the local Sushi Train.
    9yo daughter:  You know S.E.X, Mum?
    me:  What you mean sex?
    9yo: Ssssshshhhhhhhh
    me: ok, what do you want to know?
    9yo: Well, why, like, why would you do it?  Like, why would you let someone put their penis in your vagina if you didn’t want to have a baby?
    As I munched on tempura handroll and contemplated my answer, the sushi chef, as closeproximity to  my daughter and I as we were to each other, coughed, splutted and possibly snorted rice up her nose.
    So the conversation began. 
    The chef was quite interested in her ‘I’m not listening’ sushi rolling frenzy.  Though her occaisional splutter gave her away.
    Especially when I said ” well, the man gets excited, the penis swells and grows larger, the woman gets excited too and gets a little wetter and slippery, so the man can put his penis in”
    Daughter ” OMG…GROSS!!  Oh, that’s enough now.  Thanks mum.  I’m glad I can talk to you about this stuff, because they won’t let us at school”
    I was pretty chuffed about that last statement.  Because, in all her pre-teen arrogance, its probably the only topic she WILL listen to me on.


  • Christie @ Fig & Cherry

    Oh my goodness, you are so funny! That’s why your kids are so funny. Excellently written article Mrs Woog. I am truly looking forward to these types of convos with my own when they are old enough (and overhearing fab parenting from my other half too. Gold.)

  • Julia

    I read an article that you should teach your child the proper names for their ‘bits’ and i went along with that explaining patiently to my daughter as soon as she could babble that this was her vulva (thats what the article recommended). She’s now a chatty two year old that gives a running commentary on everything.  Recently we went into her fathers work and everyone crowded to say ‘oh look isn’t she a darling, whats that dear??/” and she yelled out ‘thats my VULVA!’

    Mrs Woog – I’m a little confused about your indian restuarant that showcases northern indian food but has a specialty of dosa’s because dosa’s are from southern indian. just thought i needed to point that out.


  • Hisqueen1

    My oldest was the most awesome at things that are said oh so wrong.  When he was just a wee little one learning to talk the “TR” sound in truck was not exact…ok..totally off..came out as an “F”.  so everytime we saw a truck it came out with an F instead.  The best times were at parades when the fire trucks would go by..Fire came out just was the truck part that made us cringe with pain.  
    Parades were his favorite place to embarrass us.  The governor of the state was in one parade.  His first name happened to be Dennis.  My wonderful son was kind enough to yell out Dennis the Menace just as the governor went past.. Of course he heard and had to come over and say hello.  I didn’t like the guy so I didn’t even bother to apologize to him. 

    • Photographer Mum

      My 2 yr old was exactly the same! We drove to Qld last December and our youngest saw a rather large truck drive past us and yelled “LOOK MUM. BIG F*%$!!!!! My husband and I were caught so off guard that all we could do was laugh. Of course then our 2 older kids thought it’d be a great idea to do the same thing… not so funny then, but it certainly made for an interesting drive.

      • Nicstar

        I am an Early Childhood teacher and in my first year of teaching some 15 years ago, I was reading a story to a group of children at the end of the day, some parents were gathered waiting to take their kiddies home, but just waiting til I finished the story. So three year old child was sitting quietly listening when suddenly he says “look, f- king trolley” I was horrified, as this child had some behaviour issues we were working on, and some of the parents were aware of his “reputation”. And how was I going to respond?! In front of all these parents!!

        I just ignored it at first, but he was insistent, to the point he stood up and screamed my name and said  “F-KING TROLLEY!”  as loud as he could.  If people hadn’t heard yet, they had now.  He began to point at the book, and that’s when I realised- we were reading a Thomas The Tank Engine story and he was pointing at “The Fat Controller”- words he had been trying so hard to pronounce….

        Naturally I ran with it: “yes! YES!  It is!  THE FAT CONTROLLER!  You are so right!!”


    • Sarah

      apparently I did the same as a child (as my parent retell ALL the time and now I’m 40!) – they instructed me to call trucks ‘lorries’

  • Wendy

    note to self – don’t read the hilarious woogsworld at your desk while the office is oh so quiet…

    My darling daughter who is almost 3 – announced to everyone she came across after I recently had a tummy bug – that “mummy has got diary poos”

  • Claire

    A family friend was in a very large public bathroom one day and had her 2yo in the stall with her. 2yo asks very loudly ‘mummy what’s that string hanging out of you?’

  • Kirsten

    Oh that is wonderful. How do kids always know to say the most embarrassing things in public places? When he was two my son pointed at my daughter’s genitals (baby) and said ‘look Mama, GG has a va-giant penis!’

  • Abby Adams

    My daughter is only two and hence, hasn’t had a lot of opportunities to shame me in public. About a month ago, however, we were at the market. We were in line to pay and I was busy putting everything on the belt. Harper was playing around in my purse and I thought nothing of it until she pulled out a tampon and yelled, “Here mama. Here your medicine!” 

  • LISA Mckenzie

    The most embarrsing thing i have ever been asked was by my son at 6class age about 11 or 12 was at dinner also ,he asked me when was the last time i gave dad a “head job”blew me away

  • Izabella

    Hey gorgeous! We just came across your blog the other day! Imogen went to kindy with Jack!
    Imogen was standing at Woollies with me about 4 months ago and darling hubby happened to call someone a midget one day whilst watching a t.v show one day…into the line behind us walks in a very, ver short person and Imogen in full swing goes…”‘mummy…mummy…that’s a midget! Look!”

    I cant tell you how much I wished that the heavens would open up and swallow me up that moment!

  • Simonek

    my son was 4 and he was in the bath, my then boyfriend who was brand new at the time went to the toilet and was called into the bathroom by my son who got up grabbed his “rod and tackle” and said look graham, like the blower vac! and made blower vac noises….um yes…. i married that one…. he didnt rum screaming .

  • Melissa Mitchell

    Nuh Uh. Not dishing until you tell us WHAT happens to Mr Woog too. :)  It sounds too good to miss. Don’t be dangling carrots like that and then snatching them away….

  • Mrs BC

    Last year at Bunnings, my proud 6yr old son announced in a very loud voice ‘GEE MUM! YOU SURE DO HAVE A BIG BOX!!’ Long queue of smirking tradesmen, me bright red & giggling, putting seedlings in my box.


  • Zoe Paige

    I dot have kids yet, but I do recall asking my mum what a dumb virgin was after watching Clueless when I was a youngster!

  • Anna Coates

    Haha! My son is almost three and has so far asked why his sister doesn’t have a winky (cue awkward conversation) and then the best clanger the other day on a packed bus with my husband ‘Daddy that lady is   REALLY big’. Swiftly followed by ‘Daddy, why are you saying shhhhh too me?’. Eeeeeek! 

  • Adriana Glass

    I remember telling my mum “geez don’t have an orgasm over it” after reading the word in a review of Sigourney Weaver in Alien. That got her attention.

  • Rcambrell

    I took my then 3 year old to church over christmas. She was playing on the floor under my seat and during one of those silences she commented “Mum you have no knickers on” as I embarrassingly tried to show her I did have knickers on the Priest got to the part of his homily about children being children and exploring the world and gave me a look of total understanding and appreciation of my embarrassment.

  • MeganBlandford

    That sounds painful. The conversation, that is, not the sex 😉

    The worst question we’ve had here is a loud, ‘Why does that lady have a fat tummy?’ (the woman was not pregnant, just had a bit of a belly). But my girl is only 3, I’m sure there are more embarrassing moments to come!

  • Louisa Gormley

    I was at childcare, picking up Miss Two and a half. One of the kids farted, someone pipes up “who was that?” The Miss announces “Not Mummy, her pops are louder” {FARK, I am still red!}

  • Jewel Divas Style

    Bahahahahahaha! Hilarious! Children say the darndest things don’t they!

  • allconsuming

    Can you walk to Nilgiri’s? Because if that’s the case I’m coming to live at your place. Felix asked about how babies were made when he was about four and the conversation lasted FORTY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES. He was four. 

    Jasper was having a shower after a swim at his nana & grandpa’s when he copped a view of grandpa getting dressed. “Dad’s doodle is heaps bigger than yours Grandpa,” was I believe the way the conversation started and ended. 

  • Big AL

    As I walked, chatting, with the ‘cool’ mums who never usually talked to me – my 4 year old rode her trike to the roadside, stopped, looked back at me and gave me the thumbs up (as per family rule)…all the other mums oohed and aahed about what a good and clever girl she was and then she announced…
    “Mum I put this finger up to say I’m good, didn’t I?  I didn’t put this one up to say ‘Fuck off’ did I?”
    No Babe.  No you didn’t.

  • mummyateme

    I was in a crowded butcher with my badly behaved three year old and a new baby. An incredibly well dressed old woman engaged my son in conversation to try and pass the time.
    “Your little sister is nice. What’s her name?”
    His response: “Emily and she likes to suck on Mummy’s boobies!”
    The lovely old lady paused for a moment, then responded “Emily is a nice name”.

  • Anita Jones