4 sleeves of Arpeggio.

Sponsored by PMT

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Do you ever really stop and wonder when did the world get so ridiculous? When did the simple task of buying coffee pods become such a rage-inducing wank fest that can render a person speechless?

I am not normally in the habit of bitching about simple tasks, in fear that someone will pipe up with that annoying chestnut “Oh first world problems Mrs. Woog…” but today, I am willing to cop it on the chin.

You see I had run out of my favourite coffee pods and was delving into the emergency stash of inferior Costco Pods when an opportunity came up where I was in the vicinity of my preferred supplier and decided to join the line that formed at said retailer. There was a velvet rope even, as if we were lining up to meet Santa, or Oprah. There was a lady who tended this velvet line whose job, as far as I could make out, was to compliment each and every lined up customer on a particular aspect of their outfit.

“That is a gorgeous jacket!”

“Those shoes are to die for!”

And when it came to me…

“I LOVE those earrings!”

And then each customer would be escorted to a vacant attendant and handed over like some sort of gilded lily. The customer and the attendant would then commence communications about all things coffee, new variations, specials, which type of milk they use and all manner of interesting topics. Indeed it is a very social occasion.

But me? I just wanted four boxes of dark purple coffee, whose name I cannot pronounce. I was escorted to the vacant attendant who cheerily greeted me, asked me how my day was going before enquiring what I would like.

“Can I please have 4 boxes of dark purple?

Eyebrow raised… “4 sleeves of Arpeggio?”

I pointed at the dark purple ones and said “Yes thank you.”

The boxes were placed in front of me before the up sell commenced.

“How is your machine going? Have you seen our new Inissia in Canary yellow? Have you had the chance to try the Ethiopian single blend range with a hint of brazil but yet?”

And then came the question…

“Are you a member?”

Negative.

“Would you like to become a member?”

No thank you.

About 20 minutes later, having spent a lot of time punching data into the computer, he announced my bill. I handed over my card. He announced that there was something wrong with the computer. I watched time stand still for a while. After insisting that I take my receipt but he just couldn’t print it out just now because there was something wrong with the printer, I told him that it was totally ok, because I didn’t really need one. I thanked him for serving me and began to walk away when the printer sprang to life.

“I HAVE YOUR RECEIPT!” He yelled after me. I walked back, thanked him again, collected my receipt before walking into the nearest bar and ordering a triple gin and tonic.*

Now I can appreciate that some people take their coffee very seriously and wish to have long and detailed exchanges with experts who are there, bursting full off good cheer and knowledge. I totally get it. HUZZAH! But what about the people who just want to get in, and out without spending a lot of time in conversation. You might be running late for a moustache waxing appointment, or you are about to wet your pants because you have been drinking too much of said coffee.

So I propose that this particular company, to whom I am a very loyal customer, have a separate express line for less-interested coffee drinkers. Or even better? Install vending machines around the streets.

Thank you for listening.

*not really. I went home and made an arpeggio.

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  • Tracey

    I found it easier to become a Nespresso member and then order the pods online every 3 months and get them home delivered.

  • Danimezza

    ugh I was just talking to hubby about this. Why don’t they have stores in every Westfield?

    • I agree! I hate the fact that I have to travel so far just to get my pods.

  • deb1611

    You’ll be excited to hear that in some of the “N” stores (wink wink) they actually HAVE installed vending machines and you don’t have to deal with any humans at all. Probably coming to a store near you, soon! xx

  • becbrett28

    I’m from NW Tasmania. You can only buy online! I would love a chance to work out what I want instore occasionally, but instead we just order & hope for the best!

  • Sarah Watts

    Buying online is the way to go, quick, no upsell, delivered to door!

  • yep – just buy it it online honey! Personally I love the free coffee before I buy that way I wait until the line is small. Also the the bar downstairs lets me order – I do my other shopping grab a free coffee and pick it up in half an hour later. No hassle. PS then I recycle the old pods too.

  • Jess

    Gah! This shit drives me nuts too – particularly when there are small children in tow and you just want to get the hell out as fast as possible. Last week I took my tiny fresh baby to purchase some jeans that don’t have that annoying belly band bit that all of my maternity jeans have and the lady at the counter just went on and on with different options while said baby was screaming. It took all of my strength not to get snappy.

  • Vending machines would be awesome!! Why do they make it so hard to get??

    • I appreciate that some people like the drama of buying coffee, but think about others!

    • Neet

      The Melbourne city Nespresso store has a “DIY” system…..

  • Mel

    I am lucky however that hubby works in the city and her can just run in and grab them for me. The horror though when I tell him i don’t know what the ones I like are called, and I tell him to ask for the ones that George Clooney drinks in the ads! Haha

  • Nik

    I only buy online. The postage costs less than what parking would if I went to my local outlet. And I can avoid the wankfest 🙂

  • I always get given the once over and shock horror if I have one of my kids in tow – it’s like I’ve walked in nude the reaction I get!! x

  • Or get a coffee machine that doesn’t need the bits. I love having our own coffee at hand, and I don’t need to visit any store – just pick up beans from the supermarket if I need to!

  • Never been more relieved to be a non-coffee drinker. That whole business sounds punishing!

  • chrisatpb

    Not a pod user – but I hear you about it taking an age to pay for something at some establishments. The assistant seems to spend 10 minutes inputting various bits of data and other crap into their cash register (or whatever the heck they are called now). All I want to do is pay and take my stuff!

  • megan banks

    The N website has free delivery on all coffee orders until 3/8/15.

  • jennifer

    Thank you for having a wine about first world problems. I feel a weight lifting off me.
    You must love those purple pods to want to put up with that supreme coffee wank-dom! I actually think you were very polite under the circumstances.

  • Emma

    I love being a member, I dont have to remember the colour, I just say same as last time thanks and off I go 🙂

  • Carolyn

    Don’t ever go to an Apple Shop then! You have to make an appointment on line and bad luck if you’re a minute or two late!!

  • Elise

    If you were a member I think you can order online! My annoyance is the check out girls. How are you today? Have you had a good day? Are you busy? Have yoy finished for the day? etc etc

  • Moneypenny

    I too hate buying pods in store. The staff in there carry on like they’re front of house at some grand, 5 star hotel.

    I reluctantly went in to purchase pods one day. There were three people in line ahead of me, which seemed fine, yeah? The ‘concierge’ took me aside, sat me in a throne-like chair and said he would serve me there via his iPad thingy. So, other customers were standing in line (watching me) while I was getting the royal service for some reason. I felt really, really uncomfortable. Particularly when he brought my pods over in the bag, accompanied by a complimentary latte, and did the whole credit card transaction standing above me.

    Listen Nespresso – I just want to pick up the pods and get the heck out of there. I don’t need the whole fake hospitality thing. It’s just cringeworthy.

    I’d much rather buy online just to avoid the whole schemozzle.

    PS: I’m with you on Arpeggio. It’s the best.

  • dirtgirl

    I couldn’t afford a Nespresso machine, so bought el cheapo coffee pod machine from Aldi. Brilliant, I love it, plus if I can’t get to Aldi in next suburb to buy the pods, I just pop to my local Woolies and buy their own Select brand that fit my ‘No Frills’ machine. I have no time for all these ‘wallies’ of sales people who try to sell you everything including the kitchen sink.

  • Gee coffee really has become a thing hasn’t it. I just drink Nescafe 43 beans so there must be something wrong with me. It does make me cranky that you get asked to join ‘the club’ everywhere now. I have a theory it’s Big Brother collecting information on us so I refuse to join anything. Especially Dan Murphy’s. God knows what they’d do with information on my buying habits there. I’d be the poster child.

    • GoddessMel

      Your theory is incredibly accurate Pinky. I realised how scary this was getting when I placed a Coles online order and they’d populated my ‘usuals’ list, despite me never having ordered online prior to that – the list included my most recent purchases made in-store, and popped up when I linked my FlyBuys card to the account…

  • Cheekiechops

    i am reading your blog in sympathy, I am avoiding my family, it’s 630pm, arsenic hour of family life, I get up and answer the home phone (may be my mum in trouble, Who else would call), oh yes Kenneth from Simply Energy…Aarghh, thankyou of listening too

  • Claire

    Glad to be a tea drinker.

  • Amanda Garven

    Never will I EVER stand in one of those lines at that coffee place!! We order all ours online, here the next day. Easiest thing ever, and yes, you do have to be a member. But are not hassled at all.

    • I agree, ordering online is so much easier! However they have a minimum order amount.

  • JP

    I totally get your frustration. They need an express (just wanna buy some pods without fuss and bother) counter. I gave up.
    Now I get the Piazza D’Oro or Grinders pods from Coles.

    • vanessay

      Me too. I do not like the Grinders but the Piazza D’Oro and Vittoria pods are really good (also from Coles or Woolies). I can not speak about other states, but if you live in South Australia Harvey Norman carries a variety of pods. I am actually quite sorry I bought a pod machine. I did not realise how shockingly wasteful they are and never thought that the used pods were so environmentally unfriendly and the coffee, though very tasty, is never hot enough. I will be more sensible when this one dies and buy one that uses beans.

  • FunMumX3

    You had me at Sponsored by PMT… am I the only one who took a while to figure that out? LOLOLOLOL…. shoulda gone with the G&T.

  • This made me laugh so hard. I also have a Nespresso machine and always have a giggle at the pretentious ponce that goes on within those walls. I just want to get my pods and leave!

  • Also the there is a guy at my local store who looks like American Psycho, for realsies!

  • I had my first experience in this store last weekend. The guy seemed so upset with us that we didn’t want to TRY any coffee, and that we knew exactly what we wanted (Arpeggio and Fortissio – the more fort the better). When our bill only rang up to $29 my husband was shocked. The atmosphere of the joint screamed $100 sleeves for SURE! Next time I’ll just be buying them online.

  • GoddessMel

    ‘But what about the people who just want to get in, and out without spending a lot of time in conversation.’
    We, Mrs Woog, are the people who buy regular beans or ground and make our coffee in a pot (or order online) so we don’t have to deal with wankers 😉 You’re welcome at my place for a brew any time.

  • Skye Johnson

    Cost justification – half of their customer base are in it for the status & would likely be just as happy with the $5 Aldi pods if they didn’t get ‘the treatment’ when buying their fancy George Clooney Dark Purples!

  • Kylieswifelife

    I have never been into pod coffee, it never seems hot enough and has a bit of a plastic taste. That is until I was shopping in the city with my bestie and saw that Kitchenaid had partnered with Nespresso. We tried to get some information from someone at Myer but they were all hiding.
    We headed down the mall and into Nespresso we went. It was just the right amount of wank. We were offered the express lane if we just needed pods (ideal for you!) or assistance. Assistance please! Alex, Alex was a dream. Not only did he explain every little detail to us, made us coffees and sat us in the pod chairs but he fed us bits of biscotti and explained how Nespresso worked. As we left he gave us a bag full of chocolate, biscotti and the Nespresso brochures and a big hug.
    Unfortunately we didn’t have $799 each for a coffee machine, even though we begged our husbands 🙁 But you can bet, the day I save up I’ll be going straight to that shop and straight to the wonderful Alex!

  • And this is why online shopping is taking off. I ordered a dozen bottles of vino online yesterday; arrived on my doorstep today. Didn’t need to speak to a single human.

  • Samone Black

    I don’t mind spending the money on the nespresso brand pods, cause I can take them back when used and put them in the bins there for recycling. Pods are causing so much landfill cause of all the one use plastic. At least Nespresso makes an effort to recycle their aluminium ones. A store just opened in Wahringah mall. Its a pop up stand so none of the big sells. 🙂

  • Sarah Brown

    I order on line as no stockist in the highlands ! That way no coffee chit chat !

  • Kp

    At the particular place I go to in the emporium in Melbourne, if you are a memberb you can pick and pack and pay for your own items – it’s is AMAZING!!! Easy & no lines!!!
    Also the victorio capsules are quite decent substitutes I find in a pinch!