Tina the Barbarian

Massage table manufacturers. Would it kill you to put boob holes in?

Being the owner of a decent set of boobs and being bent up over a keyboard for hours on end, how can I put this…

My back is fucked.

It is as tight as a camels ass in a sandstorm. I would describe it as crunchy. I walk around feeling that my shoulders are up around my ears most of the time. Every time the kids punch on, they seize up a little bit more. I often tell my mates that my ass is so big because I carry all my stress in my buttocks. So my ass and my shoulders are solidly packing some tension.

A while ago, my uni friend Sawhole was staying with me. We were both bitching about being stressed so I booked us in for a massage. Massages are a divisive thing. You either love them or hate them. Mr. Woog loathes them as he is quite ticklish. I embrace them wholeheartedly, and really go to my happy place when someone is lovingly rubbing oil into my limbs.

So Sawhole and me went along and indulged in a hot stone massage, a treatment where warmed stones are rubbed over your body until your eyes are crossed with glee. It was one of those Chinese Massage Parlours in the local shopping centre. My therapist was seriously amazing and was able to basically tell me everything that was wrong with me, including the fact that I needed to eat more broccoli. At the end, she said that I needed to do one hour of remedial massage every week for six weeks and I would be a new woman.

Ever seeking to be the best version of me, I thought LETS DO THIS TINA! (For Tina was her name and also some of the fee was covered by my health care fund Bupa)

The word remedial has two meanings. One is to assist children who have fallen behind with their learnament. The other means pure, 100% torture, which I was soon to find out.

I turned up to my next date with Tina, stripped down to my reg grundies and prepared for an hour of bliss. She began by stretching out my back and copping a good feel here and there. And then she turned into the bitch troll from hell.

Tina had the uncanny ability to seek out the tight areas on my shoulders and back like a heat seeking missile. Once she discovered a knot, she was on it like flies on a freshly laid turd.

“You have a knot” and I would agree with her before becoming a human platform for her to climb up on, before she put her whole body behind her elbow, which she jammed into the knot.

HOLY FUCK ON A FURNACE. I shut my eyes and started breathing like I was about so give birth. Occasionally I would lose control and let out a pathetic yelp before going back to my labour breathing. “This too shall pass” I thought to myself. But it didn’t. It went on for far too long. I could feel it, and indeed it was crunchy. Tina was determined to win this battle and eventually, she did.

Feeling like I had just done six rounds with Mike Tyson, Tina’s work had only just begun. She moved her hands slowly down to the other danger area, the top of my buttocks where it met my lower back…

I think the word I am looking for is PUMMELLED. Tina PUMMELLED my buttocks with all the determination of a rabid bull. I swear at one point, she stood on them and danced an Irish jig. I was stunned in a mixture of horror and exquisite pain which was made even more unbearable due to the fact that I had to suck back up a fart which was threatening to blow Tina up to the roof.

After 60 long minutes, by punishment was over. I felt a little broken. But also, a whole lot taller.

“I will see you on Friday” Tina said to me. And Friday is tomorrow and I am already scared.

Are you on Team Massage?

Ever had a memorable one?

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  • Heidi D

    I have never had a massage. I was supposed to have one but when I arrived they had me answer some questions & then told me dodgy hearts didn’t like massages. I was so stunned I didn’t really catch her reasons, I think it may have been something to do with circulation but not sure. After reading your account sounds like I had a lucky escape !

    • No you should get one. But a relaxing one.

  • KT

    I looooooove getting massages. I had one a couple of weeks ago after far too long. Knots everywhere. It was amazing but also torture, and I was bruised and in pain for days, which had me questioning WHY?! But after a few days of yoga, and with the benefit of time, I’m looking forward to my next massage…

    • I do feel good two days later. Also, it makes me sleep better so WINNING!

  • Tracey

    I have a massage every four weeks. Feel like I want to murder people if I don’t.

    I once had a massage at a hotel spa in Xian, China. It was very awkward as the woman massaged the front chest region. Never again thanks.

    • Oh that has happened to me before. I had to stop proceedings!

  • I love a massage, but I tell ’em to go gently…so less of the remedial and more of the ah lovely, and I take my own coconut oil which smells lovely and I am allergic to everything else. Ah… maybe I should book in for tomorrow.

    • Do it Sue! The lovely relaxing ones are bliss.

  • Once upon a time, when they were MUCH less expensive, I used to have a weekly massage. Every four weeks, my therapist did lymphatic drainage. It was marvelous, and helped enormously to keep the inflammation levels – caused by RA – down quite a bit. Finding a massage therapist who understands autoimmune arthritis, and to go gently while doing remedial massage is a huge challenge though, and it’s a long time since I’ve been able to have regular massages…

  • Shaz

    I do love a good Woog turn of phrase – “holy fuck on a furnace” lol. Nothing I like better than an elbow in my buttocks. I have at least two massages per month at the shopping centre. It helps my brain to slow down and my arse unclench.

  • Bee

    I like a firm massage, no namby pamby gentle stuff. That said the pummeling massage can be hard to take. Like a good hairdresser when you find the right masseur keep em.

  • I too have a shagged back, I must do weekly treatments as a physiotherapist suggested I do about 18 years ago! But now I’m too scared!!!

  • katerina

    ”holy fuck on a furnace”…..this is gonna take off..haaahaha…woogie you are the best….i’m using a ”virtual keyboard”. canna work out how to get capitals etcetc….

  • mary_j_j

    Love a good massage! I like nothing better than the spa package whilst staying in a wonderful resort elsewhere in the world. Best were at a resort called Paradise in Taveuni – in a hut over looking the ocean. That woman had magic hands, and I had several massages over the week we were there!
    Should just slip into one of the many Thai or Chinese massage places around here! Thanks for the reminder!

  • Kelly

    ohhh I can’t stop laughing… “holy fuck on a furnace” … the tears are running down my face! I am a massage therapist, and I also submit my poor body to “massages” of exquisite torture and wonder what the hell I am thinking when I do that to myself! God love ya Mrs Woog, be brave tomorrow… be very brave xx

  • Kate in Melbourne, Australia

    Yes! A four handed massage, full body, front and back by two sturdy Indian women in a darkened little room in a beauty parlour in Delhi. 45 minutes later I was walking back to my hotel and suddenly realised that my body felt like it did before I had children, 16 years earlier. Absolutely incredible! Miracle workers. If I could afford it I’d have a massage every week of my life.

  • Adele Wain

    Crying with laughter right now! Thank you! And thank you for some new profanities to add to my vocabulary.

  • Cate Lawrence

    oh god yes, is there anything more painful than a butt massage!? Trauma

  • Cate Lawrence

    And then there’s the pain that lasts most of a week and then the problems came back argh

  • I can’t stop laughing. This post had me in stitches. When I was an apprentice and I would dig trenches, my shoulders would ache. I started getting massages each week and OMG, the first one was BRUTAL! I was so sore. I kept going and I did feel like my shoulders weren’t as tense. That was 9 years ago. I can’t really remember the last time I had a remedial massage, but I reckon I’d be due one with all the typing and carrying kids I do. x

  • Megan Long

    Reading this while holding a sleeping baby was maybe not the best decision. So funny! You have a way with words, I love it!