Is two years a good innings for a Fiddle Leaf Fig Tree? Rest in Peace Phillip. (you ungrateful fucker)
Cause of death – Unknown
Time of death – Drawn out over the past twelve months
The Fiddle Leaf fig trend has literally died at my place. Phillip, once a tall, strong, magnificent specimen struggled from day one, to fit into our family. Despite many attempts to placate him, he ended up going downhill very quickly over the summer. I would talk to him, lug him around, prune the dead and dying leaves from his woody stalk.
I would read up on this temperamental species, to see what I was doing wrong. I was doing EVERYTHING wrong! Turns out that this particular plant is as fussy as a hen with one chick. Water it, but not too much. Fertilise it but not to much. Place it is a sunny spot but NO NOT expose it to direct sunlight. Let it listen to Simon and Garfunkel for forty five minutes a day. Do not expose it to Question Time under any circumstance! Wipe its large, dust covered leaves with this spray stuff from Bunnings. Do not argue in front of it. Make soothing noises when you pass it.
DO NOT COMPARE IT WITH OTHER FIDDLE LEAF FIGS FROM PINTEREST.
So I have officially turned my back on the Fig that is the Fiddle Leaf. Fuck you Phillip, you made NO EFFORT in our relationship. Mr. Woog had written you off last year, but the romantic in me defended you, time after time. I stood up for you. I even saved you once from the Council Curbside Cleanup IN THE RAIN. Our relationship was completely one sided and I am OVAH IT.
And moving on, being a self-proclaimed botanical trend spotter, this year is all about the Dizygotheca Elegantisima False Aralia! I like the way it just rolls off ones tongue. I also like it because it is un-killable and it also looks nasty and spiky, almost like a weapon.
Have you ever been involved in the death of a house plant?
Did you feel guilty?
Did you get seduced by the Fiddle Leaf Fig?