How To Be A Mummy Blogger

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See that little nugget of deliciousness up there? This is Horatio at about four hours old. This is how I spent the next few days in hospital, after having him. I could not stop staring at him. It was instant love. I tried to get him to re-enact this pose this morning but he was not having a bar of it. A brand spanking new thirteen year old is on my hands. And he is quite good at this teenage stuff already.

He is an inch taller than me. He is kind to old people and animals, his little brother, not so much. I am sure it is just a stage. HOLD ME.

Horatio’s arrival was an interesting and dramatic one. I went to the hospital on a Wednesday afternoon and typically, I failed to progress LIKE EVERY FUCKING SCHOOL REPORT CARD I HAD EVER RECEIVED. I was quite ok with failure, as I was used to it, but this scenario was a little different. I could not shove it down the bottom of my school bag and pretend that it never happened. This was unavoidable.

On the Saturday the obstetrician advised a c-section. By this stage I was foaming at the mouth and speaking in tongues and holding snakes and trying to give myself stigmata, all the whole eating M & M’s, by birthing snack of choice. During the operation, I realised in my drug induced state, that the male nurse was quite hot, so naturally I enquired about his marital status. Because, I was looking my best with the surgeons hands in my guts, and I thought that this was an entirely appropriate time to hit on the help.

But the best was yet to come. We had to take the baby home.

It was February 2004 and we were suffering from the biggest heatwave since anyone could ever remember. Kind of like what is happening now.

I was in the air conditioning, on a self-administered morphine drip and being waited on. Complete with Catheter. TV Remote. Life was good. I did not really want to leave.

Like all first time parents, we had an enormous amount of gifts and flowers delivered on an hourly basis. Mr Woog’s OCD took a dramatic spike as he ferried these items home at the end of each day so a clear path could be made from my bed to the bathroom. The final day came and it was time for us to leave. There was nothing really to pack up as Mr Woog had taken care of that. Really taken care of it. A whole heap of care in fact. The only thing to take home was the baby.

The baby whose carefully purchased “going home” outfit had been taken back to the house.

Along with my entire wardrobe, undies, bras and shoes.

So we were standing in the car-park in 40 degree heat. I was wearing a hospital robe with another hospital robe on the back as to not show my ass to the other fresh-faced mums benefiting from the luxury of shoes.

Yes I was barefoot and bare-assed on the hot asphalt, with a throbbing c-section scar.

Horatio was dressed in a natty white singlet top with PROPERTY OF HAWKESBURY DISTRICT HOSPITAL across the back, and a nappy.

Times were tense.

Mr Woog opened the car door, looked at the baby, looked at the capsule, looked at me, looked at the capsule, looked at the baby and asked “Can you put him in?”

I fucking exploded.

Horatio started crying. Mr Woog looked like he wanted to run far far away. A passing doctor stopped and showed Mr Woog how to put a baby in the capsule.

That night Horatio screamed from dusk to dawn. It was not fun. We looked at each other all night in panic.

But those days are far behind it, although I do recall it as if it were yesterday. Happy Birthday Horatio Roberto Wooganowksi. You are the peas to my carrots. The tonic to my gin.

What happened when you took your first baby home?

Did you freak the fuck out?

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  • MsLarvik

    Look at the size of his cute head! No wonder you didn’t push him out! He is still a darling with such a big head! No shoes and clothes as you left the hospital OMG.

    • Turns out despite my HUGE hips, I have a narrow pelvis. Faulty. xx

      • MsLarvik

        Ah well he got here safely that is what counts!

      • vanessay

        I, too, have the hips that look like they were made for child bearing and the narrow pelvis. My son was born three weeks early after a similar labor experience (without the hot nurse) in a small country hospital in W.A. A doctor had to be flown in to do the C section, it was most dramatic. The doctor said “your baby ran out of room in there” He was 8lb 4 oz. He is now a 6ft 2in truck driver who turns 40 next year.

  • Christina

    Oh dear…love this story-no shoes, no clothes, no mind!!!💖💖

    • We lived so close to the hospital, I didn’t see the point in him going home to get the stuff. So romantic xx

      • Christina

        It is that! X

  • Heidi D

    I don’t have a birth story I have an arrival story. It started with a phonecall to ask if we could take an 11 day old baby that day. A bit later a car arrived & I went out to see if I could help carry anything. There in my driveway I was handed a bundle of hospital blankets with a little face peeking out & a plastic bag with a little bottle of formula, his “blue book” & a size 2 tshirt. The lady then said enjoy & drove away ! I wandered inside & unwrapped the blankets to find him wearing a tiny hospital gown & a very soggy cloth nappy. Of course I had just given all my newborn stuff to a friend that had just had twins. I sent out an SOS to mum to grab supplies. He was with us for 11 years ….. the joy & heartache of fostercare

    • You are amazing. Full stop.

    • Amber

      This made my heart sing and ache simultaneously

    • Donna

      Thank you.

  • mrshanksy

    Nawww – goosebumps! Happy Birthday Harry. My Dad did the same thing to me when I was in Year 9 – quelle horreur – going home from a broken arm op – with Mercurochrome down and across my face like the English St Georges Cross Flag and bare foot with only one hospital gown on! Naturally I was mortified and it still gets me in a cold sweat thinking about it!! I am also about to have another teenager in the house but at this stage he still doesn’t know EVERYTHING like my fucking 16yr old!

    • I am sure Horatio can teach him about everything at this point!

  • What a CRACKER of a birth story! Happy birthday to your delightful first one! xxx

  • Feral007

    I took my premmie twins home 7 weeks after they were born. We picked up the people mover we purchased, after dark the night before….it was pissing down rain and I had to learn where all the things like wipers and demisters were in the dark on the go. Then practiced collapsing the twin stroller and put it in the back of the car. Took two step kids to the hospital with me to pick up the tiny’s. Was still pissing down, and the car was parked about 800 metres in the rain. So I had to leave a 12 yo and a 5 yo in the waiting room with two premmies, get the car, soaked by now, pull up in front of the hospital in a no parking zone (security wasn’t game to come near me, they know a dangerous person when they see one) then had to pass each capsule into the people mover, standing in over 30 cm of water gushing down the gutter, then pass the smaller child into the people mover, then invite the older one to jump. We got home. I don’t recall the rest of the day.

    • Got I got so stressed just reading this! Go you xx

  • louisa

    The car seat problem seems common. Perhaps TAFE could run a course for all impending parents that haven’t done their bit by having their vagina malled and shredded.

  • Happy happy birthday Harry. I will never stop cracking up at the story of you going home from hospital!

  • Jen

    So was the hot nurse single !???

  • Donna

    Its amazing how normal it is to be in hospital one minute with 4 hrly checks and pain relief and full catering and on tap expert advice. Then the next you are set adrift with a newborn.

    Not sure how we all survive.

    I’d never held a baby let alone settled one for a sleep, bathed or changed a nappy before I headed home with my eldest (and her wonderful Dad was just as clueless). And my mother had passed away and I was interstate without friends nor family. And the poor bub had silent colic and couldn’t attached to fed. Bloody hell, I’m still not sure how we survived.

    • Donna

      PS I did have the luxury of clothes and shoes.

    • It is amazing hey! Just sitting at home and looking at the baby and thinking “What now?”

  • Tracey Bradshaw

    My firstborn is about to turn 18 but I remember his birth like it was yesterday (especially the fact that the dr told me my baby was going to be a huge 10lb+ so I gave up pushing – they set up the ventouse and went to put a fair bit of muscle into pulling him out, then my very average sized 7lb 7oz baby popped out. They told me baby #2 was huge too, he was 7lb4oz and out in 3 pushes).
    I also have very clear memories of getting home from the hospital with the firstborn and hubby needing to duck out to the shops. I laid on the sofa holding the baby, absolutely terrified to move. No baby book or words of advice can prepare you for that moment of reality when you are first thrust into the responsibility of being the primary carer and provider of all needs for that precious little bundle. Now I’m coming to terms with being the parent and provider of most needs for a man/child – supposedly almost an adult, but still very much my little boy.

    • It always amazes me that you just get to walk out with a baby and no idea what you are doing. What a learning curve hey!

  • Hit on the help…. I just snort laughed!

  • Loved this so much I snorted through it! I was 19 years old when I had my first baby. A boy. 42 hours of long hard labour and a midwife who thought it was her job to make my experience a living hell as i was having a baby out of wedlock. Yes, they are still around even in 2003. I had no idea what I was doing at all, and when I brought him home, i just stared at him for hours, telling him i’ll do my best to keep you alive coz I got no clue about this mum gig. He’s 14 this year and I couldn’t be more prouder of the young man he is growing into.

  • I freaked the fug out for around, oh, six months 😩

  • whicocan

    When I took my son home in 1978 the nurses thought I was a heartless bitch when we put him in a Bobbymac (best I could find) car seat instead of holding him on my lap. My husband worked at that hospital at the time and heard how uptight and overly concerned I was. Ha!

  • dove

    When my legs were in the stirrups ( to get out firstborn who decided she liked it to much inside my uterus to come out and had to be coaxed around with salad tongs) I told the Doctor he should have bought be a drink first. Nothing like good drugs to get see the sunny side of life.

  • Sally Rose

    When I had my firstborn, in a fog of deluded “I can manageness “, I took her home after five days in hospital. I thought I was so cool.
    I don’t know how first time mothers manage , when they go home on the day of delivery. That is so terrifying, even if you have your mother hovering around to help. The expectation that you will cope adequately with a baby whom you only know from a distance is unrealistic.

  • Oh I laughed and laughed when we walked out of hospital with my son. I just couldn’t believe that was it! We walked in the same people we had always been and walked out PARENTS with a small being completely dependent on you doing a job you know NOTHING about! And they just send you on your merry way. Hilarious!

  • AliceS

    Our car seat was just resting on the back seat when we left the hospital. In the pouring rain. Yep, my beloved had not thought about securing it at all. Not the fairytale I’d imagined.

  • Jess @ Thefitspirit

    This story reminds me of having my last baby. I called the nurse the next morning after the Cesar and asked if I could have a shower and new sheets. She said yeah just get up and go. I had to remind her the catheter was still in And my bare ass would be hanging out if she didn’t get me another gown.

  • Cate Lawrence

    I was born a twin, very premature. As we were very sick we were baptized Catholic and given last rites. My mum came to from the birth and discovered my father had given the priest the wrong name for me! So they had to do it again…

  • merilyn

    i love your story telling mrs woog!
    hilarious! but not at the time i’m sure hun!
    can really relate to ocd partner clearing everything!!!
    do they ever learn???
    as for first baby! … I only had one! … it’s terrifying!!!
    much love m:)X

  • Bron

    I also had a caesarean which was rather tortuous, as the anaesthetic didn’t work.. After ten days in hospital, (I wanted to get my money’s worth from private health insurance,) the nurse asked me when I wanted to go home. I said ‘ when she starts school’..I remember taking our precious cargo home and collapsing on the bed to sleep. Shortly after, my new baby awoke, and for a brief moment I thought ‘what in hell is that noise?!’ then I realized I was now a mum…

  • Amanda Garven

    My birthday is the 7th of Feb too Mrs Woog. I was 40. I am the eldest and I was 2 weeks overdue. My poor Mum was induced and I was a bitch and gave her a long painful labour. Im still pretty stubborn and can be a bitch when necessary. I love that you have an Aquarian too.