See that arm up there? That is mine after I was cruelly assaulted by a particularly nasty Vietnamese bug who had it in for me last week. I took a photo of it and shared it on Instagram because #inspiration. I was shocked to read comments saying that perhaps it has laid its eggs IN my arm and perhaps I should look out for hatchlings…
Now being a women with a very strong opposition to anything gross, I could NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. I am so squeamish that I once threw up in the Divine Ms M’s sink when she was describing her cat’s pus-filled cyst. I chundered without warning. Oh, and once I was in the car with Uberkate when we saw a man in the car next to us pick something out of his hair AND EAT IT! She had to pull the car over. On a busy road. While I did some seriously deep breathing.
So I have been monitoring my arm for signs of life. I am also picking at it as it heals, to make sure I have a solid scar for life and so I can tell my grandchildren in years to come, about the time I was attacked by a bug in NAM.
It has also given me inspiration to reflect on other animals that have caused me intentional harm. I have been bucked off horses at least a thousand times, once straight into a barbed wire fence. I have been nipped by a miniature schnauzer which was tied up outside a shopping centre. This has led me to believe that all mini schnauzers are evil fuckers. Seriously, if you cross the path of one, freeze and do not make any eye contact. Because you will be attacked. Not by the giant ones, mind you. Just the small ones. They are notoriously cranky. Maybe because of their stupid haircuts? Who knows.
But all of my animal attacks pale in comparison when you consider that an Indonesian Man was recently found inside a boa constrictor. Could there be a more hideous way to meet your maker? I have put my CSI hat on and tried to figure out how that might off all gone down. According to my research, it is most likely that the snake attacked him, squeezed the life out of him before swallowing him whole.
*turns green at the gills poor man*
Apart from the bug, and the horses, the mini schnauzer, the 4 bee stings, the 3 blue-bottle stings and that one time that a wasp flew down my top and stung my boobs when I was driving to uni one day, there has been another species who have me in their sights.
But it is not Spring for a while, and so I am safe to wander the streets, avoiding the schnauzers of the world, for at least the next three months. And if indeed I should cross the path of a boa constrictor, I only hope it has the sense to realise that I am like a Supersized Big Mac meal. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but halfway through, you realise that your eyes were much bigger than your stomach.