The Monthly Report

Dear Period,

I remember when I was about six I found a tampon on my Mum’s dressing table and I took it to her, asking her whether it was a lolly and could I eat it. She laughed out loud before sitting me down on her bed and explained what it was and how it was used. I recall being suitably shocked, and vowed that that would NEVER happen to me.

A few years later, when I hit high school, you DID happen to me and I was suitably unimpressed. And you have been a legit pain in the ass ever since.

But now, at 43, things are spiralling out of control. You cause me to turn into a complete psycho for at least a week prior to your arrival. Things that annoy me to the enth degree include, but are not limited to the following…

  • Kids rustling wrappers in the car
  • The sound of my family chewing at the dinner table
  • Going to the latrine and finding no toilet paper
  • When someone drinks my last diet coke
  • Slow people walking in front of me
  • People in general
  • Mirrors of any sort, including general reflective surfaces
  • Questions. And speaking.

When you finally arrive, you do so with gusto. You make my guts feel like they are being stabbed my a thousand angry daggers. Why, just this morning I staggered into the chemist and said to the lovely ladies behind the counter…

“My period pain is trying to kill me!” They moved quickly to hand over a packet of Naprogesic and told me that I had to take two immediately with food. So I went to the cafe next door, sat with some mates, complained to them about you for a while then ordered a coffee and a banana bread so I could take the tablets. AND THEN THIS FUCKING BUTCHER BIRD ATTACKED US TWICE, TRYING TO EAT MY BANANA BREAD. FUCK YOU NATURE.

What gives, guts? I no wanna no more babies. I am too old and weary. I just want you to go away, but from what I hear (and am beginning to experience) is that you will not leave quietly. Instead, you will up the ante a bit, it seems. Torrential conditions, that is all I am going to say. Torrential. Oh and the mood swings. I don’t want to be that person, but I have no control over them. I want to curl up on the couch in pity, but life, it just keeps coming at me.

WORK WITH ME GODDAM IT, NOT AGAINST ME.

According to Doctor Google, you had me at peri-menopausal. No one really talks about it. Your average length is four years. FOUR FUCKING YEARS? I can look forward to Hot flashes, Breast tenderness, Worse premenstrual syndrome (THE ACTUAL FUCK?) Lower sex drive (how low can one go?) Fatigue, Irregular periods, Urine leakage when coughing or sneezing (check), Mood swings and Trouble sleeping.

excellent

I hate you.

Look, I have done the right thing by you. I have tolerated 252 visits from you and rarely complained, but times have changed and I have had a gut-full. But as my oestrogen wanes, you THINK you would cut me some slack. But NO……. Now you are fucking trying to turn me into a man with chin whiskers and a faint moustache.

AND WHILE I AM HERE, WHY THE FUCK AM I PAYING GST ON TAMPONS? That is it. I am writing to the finance minster….

Sir, may I bend your ear for a bit?

So period, I am breaking up with you. IT IS NOT ME IT IS YOU. I want to wear white pants with confidence. I wish to go surfing in a white bikini before paying beach volleyball. I am not asking for much. Just for you to exit the building, or at the very least, calm done a tad.

Yours in a ball of hot mess,

Me.

Is it just me, or does this get worse with age?

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  • Yes.

  • Donna

    Yes. Worse with age. I’m legit murderous. I’m 47 and desperately waiting to skip a period to signal the beginning of the end. Have you had your iron levels checked recently? My increased torrent left me needing IV iron. No wonder I was so tired.

    • No but I am exhausted. Shall suss it out xx

  • Torrential – YES! OMG. I remember my mother talking about this. I have first and second days now when I don’t dare leave the house…seriously. Keep meaning to ask the doc to order the test to double check where I’m actually at, and keep forgetting.

    • Isn’t it hideous.

    • JP

      Couldn’t leave the house last weekend due to same issue. I have always been anaemic so can only imagine how much worse my iron levels are now.

  • MsLarvik

    I hear you and agree!

  • You are not alone!

    • So many people commenting. It is good to know that it isn’t just me.

  • Cat Conidi

    I have found the last 6 months worse and had NO idea it got worse as we grow older. Until it happened of course. It’s all just a giant pain in the arse isn’t it?!?!

  • Rebecca

    Google Happy Hormones – magic stuff for leveling things out (and natural).

    • Tammy Coghill

      I agree with Happy Hormones – have just started myself and already noticing huge differences

      • Rebecca

        I know – if only we knew earlier!

    • Shall do Rebecca. Thanks for the info xx

      • Rebecca

        No worries Mrs Woog. It has a detox diet to go with it but you don’t *have* to do it. Hormones are so delicately balanced (arseholes). The bane of my life! Heaps of great reviews just make sure you take double (morning and evening) for getting things under control 😀

  • Heidi D

    It absolutely gets worse with age. At least once every evening as I am sitting on the lounge minding my own business I find myself saying … is it suddenly warm in here ? I am right there with you when it comes to that week where everything is annoying, I either want to cry or strangle someone. My family has also discovered that when this week of madness appears, for it is getting more erratic, you best be prepared for an emergency by having a flotation device to hand as things tend to get ugly. Oh the joy !

  • At 43, I took myself off to the lovely GYNO who had delivered my darling girl all those years ago. I chatted to Neil about the horrendous bleeding and he looked at me and reminded me that I had been complaining about this since I was 20. That’s a long fucking time putting up with the misery and irregular unpredicatble, spontaneous mess. He suggested that we finally get it sorted as babies were surplus to requirements. Sans uterus and all I can say is YIPPEE! Not a recommendation for everyone, just saying.

    • Heidi Stacey

      I would sincerely like to know whether you kept your ovaries and do you feel grumpy and yuk when the period time would normally be approaching?

      • Hi Heidi, I did keep my ovaries, mostly because I had had breast cancer and I knew I wouldn’t be able to take HRT during menopause so I wanted to delay that if I could. So I kept ’em and no I didn’t get the grumps. Menopause happened naturally at about 50+

        • Heidi Stacey

          Sounds amazing. Thanks for the info!

          • Kylie J

            I kept mine too. I keep a track of when I would have got my period or ovulated. I think my moods are still up and down. The doc described the ovaries as ‘the foundation of youth’ so I’m happy to swap a couple of irritable days for that!

    • I am starting to think about this.

      • Kylie J

        I can’t recommend it highly enough. I kept my ovaries but no more period. Operation was laproscopic so a couple of days in hospital binge watching TV and taking the nice pain meds. I saw Dr Hugh Turode who operates out of Royal North Shore Private and the Mater. Probably works in the public system. As he said ‘no one should have to put up with this.’ I adore him.

  • It seems that mine were a cause (either major or contributing, not sure) of my low iron. I’ve started on depo shots to control it and hopefully stop it completely. First round was a massive change: from 3-4 heavy periods of a week each to a small period that just needs a liner for 2-2 weeks. From what I hear, the longer I take it, the better chance I get no period at all.

    And what REALLY bugged me is that a depo shot cost me $25 ish and lasts three months. So it’s freaking CHEAPER than buying sanitary products. That feels really bloody wrong. Pun intended.

    • A few on here with low iron levels.

      • Yep I learned when talking to my dietitian about this that menstruating people need 18mg of iron per day. Non menstruating only need 8mg per day. It really makes a massive difference. Much easier to get 8mg of iron in than 18g.

  • Katie Elliott

    Oh poor Mrs Woog! It truly is horrid and the irritations are completely valid. I think everyone and everything in the whole world becomes unbelievably irritating on purpose. Now, you may hate me with a vengence for the following information but keep in mind that my mother went through Peri-Menopause for 13 years and I am pretty sure that the same is in store for me. And it started for her at age 38. I am 37. So here goes… I have not had my period for almost 2 years. My son is almost 2 so there was the added 9 months of pregnancy in there too but the reason for this is elusive. Extreme (and we are talking debilitatingly extreme here) stress? Breastfeeding? Pure luck? I don’t know but I will take it.
    She has come back with all of her evil, stabby, endometriosis fury though. Last month. Right before I had 2 surgeries in 2 weeks. 😣😥😥😭😈😠😩

    • They are making me irritating on purpose. FOR SURE.

  • The red dragon recently arrived here and with must gusto I bemoaned its arrival. In saying that, that lost of things that annoy me do so ALL THE TIME. Not just once a month. I must be a permanent cow.

    • I am a permanent one, but it really ramps up once a month.

  • Lorraine

    I was recently told by a wise doctor that I was peri-menopausal (like WTF – haven’t I gone through enough PMT in my life and now this ???) anyway she also commented the world would be a very different place if men were castrated in the prime of their life because that is what menopause does to us – enough said ladies – its all fucked!

    • I had never thought of that! CASTRATE AWAY!

  • Fiona Hamann

    Ablation. Get one. Awesome. No more crime scenes in your underwear.

  • KookyChic

    About to throw a party because I hand’t been visited by Mother Nature for nine whole months Mother Nature decided to rain on my parade, not doubt she guessed correctly that she wasn’t going to be sent an invitation. So a month ago I was rushed to hospital in agonizing pain. I was a bit concerned, in my delirium, that I was about to give birth to an unknown pregnancy. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case and I didn’t end up having my picture splayed across the papers looking like a dufus. It was in fact, just one of my ovaries popping down to say hello. I must let you know that I am like a bloke, very, very rarely will I go to the doctors and never to the hospital. To top it off Mother Nature paid another visit yesterday, bless her.

  • Maria Ledwidge

    All those things irritate me at the best of times!
    51 years of age and I think they are getting worse. Seriously considering a hysterectomy. Never really had pain, but in the last 12 months I know what red hot knives through vagina and rectum feel like. I dread leaving the house unless I know I have access to a loo hourly. In fact, just this very day came home and thought oops, best I go to the loo and oh no, too late and now wonder if I had been walking around with blood on display through the shops *abject horror…but why cos half the population bleeds…maybe my rounded belly hid some of it but how much washing can a woman do in a day…gotta buy more knickers*
    I have PCOS so gaining babies was hard work and though they are a PITA, I do find my now wonderfully quasi regular cycle an affirmation of life and my womanly wealth – weird. Down side is that, though I have not delved too deep, most research into PCOS deals with achieving pregnancy, not what happens as hormones change and menstruation eventually ceases.

  • Sally Rose

    I thought menopause was a brief vaguely irritating interlude between child bearing years and comfortable saggy old womanhood. Nuh. It is about eight years since any appearance of a period, but I still have very, very variable temperature regulation and every so often get twingey, familiar pains in the pelvis. Thankfully not long lasting.
    Childbearing and its’ accoutrements are the worst joke played by Nature on women!

  • kerryac

    I had THE BEST procedure ever (endometrial ablation) three years ago which has completely got rid of my periods and while I can still vaguely tell when my time of the month would be (with one day of feeling slightly blah) it has improved my life, saved me a fortune in tampons and I can go swimming or wear white whenever!😉 I am now 47 so still waiting to see what happens when official menopause happens but having no periods had been amazing! I too used to feel crap for days and have periods every 3 or so weeks. Fun times!

  • KK

    That is the worst! Have you ever considered an IUD? Stops periods altogether for nearly all!

  • A-M

    One word. Mirena. Takes away every symptom. Every. One. They last for 5 years at a time. Have had 10 years of freedom from everything you have described. Totally liberating. No need to suffer at all. No periods. No hormonal surges. No fluid issues. Nothing. Xx

  • Mine is diabolical. You feel shit ten days before you have it. Then it lasts for a week, which leaves only 11 days in the month when I feel normal. Hubby is always saying “oh it’s here again?” Uh. Huh. I shall rejoice the day it ends.