Mondays can go suck it.

4am – get woken up by the cat. Get up. Swear and let the cat out.

7.30am – get up and ask Mr Woog to fetch me my morning cappuccino. He mentions that he is running late and there will be no coffee for me this morning. Swear. Mention to Mr Woog that I might head into the city to continue with my shopping obsession. He says do not go as there is no money for more ballet flats in the budget. Swear.

7.30 – 8.30 – where are your shoes? Put your shoes on. Not those shoes. Where are your socks? You have your shoes on the wrong feet. Where is your hat? Etc etc etc.

8.30 – Convince J that he can wear either the sequined headband OR the sequined shoes to daycare. NOT BOTH. He opts for the headband.

9.15 – Smile a lot as I am child free for a few hours. Mainline coffee. Go to Franklin’s to buy toilet paper and Grazia Magazine.

9.30 – Do my Monday morning washing extravaganza while listening to talk back. Swear a lot at the idiots who call in.

9.45 – Swear A LOT when I pull a wad of tissues out of H’s washed jeans. Have a sit down. Look at Grazia Magazine. Check out loads of hideous clothes. Picture myself in the first pair in particular. Laugh. Resist urge to call the shop and leave a death threat. Consider who might pay $286 for them. Mentally put these people on my list.

10.30 – Decide not to go into town and shop.

10.32 – Go into town anyway and meet a friend for coffee and have a small look at the shops. Buy Ballet Flats.

2pm – Go to friends house to watch the hot mobile car detailer clean her car. Coffee. Lunch.

3pm – 30 minutes of soft sand running.

4.30 – Collect Wooglettes. Referee large fight in the car. Get the shits and wish I had not sworn of drinking during the week.

5pm – Mr Woog home. Congratulates me on not going near the shops today. Wash the Woogettes. Read with the Woogettes. Send one of the Woogettes into time out.

6pm – Feed Cat, G-pig and Woogs.

7pm – Fight children into bed. Fight Mr Woog off me.

7.10 – “Go to Bed”

7.12 – “Get into Bed”

7.14 – “Can you deal with them?” “I’ve been at work all day!” “What the hell do you think I have been doing?” “GO TO BED!”

7.17 – Would stab someone for a Vodka

8 – 10pm Watch a shameful amount of trashy television including Toddlers and Tiaras.

10pm – Bed. Fight off Mr Woog again. Mr Woog lets out an enormous fart. Chastise him for lack of respect. Cat meows and leaves due to odour.

10.15 – Sleep

11.20 – Fart