Saturdays with SawHole # 6

During our AGM this week, SawHole commented on the amount of letters she gets regarding woman’s weight issues. We selected one that was extremely well written but I just think, with the onset of winter, we are all just bulking up a bit. But to be safe, we did reject an offer of a BOX OF TIM TAMS – not a packet but a box, from Arnotts as a giveaway as we prefer to promote alcohol and we did not want to send out mixed messages.

Also, despite rumours flying around the Internet, SawHole has not resigned as resident Agony Aunt on Woogsworld. Her pay however has been increased to 4 peanuts a week and a Happy Meal on completion of each dilemma. Got one? Email your ISSUE to [email protected].

Dear Ms Sawhole,

I have a dilemma for you – I am pushing maximum density and am at a total loss about how to trim down from ‘morbidly obese’ to the far more palatable ‘obese’ or maybe even ‘overweight’ categories.

The reason I am at a total loss for this problem despite having attended a particular weight loss program four times in my life and trialled myriad diets and ‘lifestyle changes’ over the years is this. I love food. I love to eat it, I love to cook it. I wake up and instead of thinking about my children or my husband or whether or not to shower today I plan the day’s menu.

Furthermore I seem quite allergic to exercise. No really, every time I do it I turn really really red and all this clear liquid tries to escape my body. So there you have it, I love to shovel food in and sit on my ever-expanding arse watching as many reality tv programs peppered with some intellectual garbage to convince myself I haven’t totally given up on life. Any ideas?

Yours in bulbous adoration,

Kim

Dearest Kim,

SawHole may not know much about science, tap dancing or erotic art, but she does know a little bit about the battle of the bulge. I am Queen of the YoYo and I almost certainly own shares in Nancy Gantz, the naughty minx that she is.

First thing, Kim, is that I hear yah. It sounds to me as though you have been doing your BMI again. I used to do that until I convinced myself that BMI was shit. I even wrote an indignant letter to that nasty doctor at Cammeray Family Practice who gave me a bollocking for my BMI being 26 (oh how I wish). In no uncertain terms, I told the doctor that both she and the BMI were shit. Then she referred me to a psychiatrist. So my first message to you is don’t do your BMI until you are in a place where you can accept it, not manipulate it or fixate upon it.

As we get older, Kim, there comes a choice between food and form. It happened to me when I was in Veronika Maine and the size 16 dress would not do up over the puppies. No word of a lie, the sales assistant handed me the card for a plastic surgeon (Dr John Newton, of Warners Bay, in case anyone is interested).This was a rallying cry to SawHole and I did what I swore I never would, I hired a bloody personal trainer.

Enter poor, long-suffering Rob. He has been there during the lunges, the bloody cross trainer and general joint articulation (his words, I have no idea what they mean). I know it is awful when you get red and sweaty but there was no way I was going to scoff a bag of M&Ms after killing myself on the bloody rower. Also because I had started the exercise program and went through hell there was no way I was ever going to give it up. I finally understood the phrase we have come too far to turn back.

So that is my advice to you, use exercise as a binge insurance policy because after you have done 45 single-leg squats, you don’t want to undo all that hard work with some Twisties. In some sick, twisted way, it worked for me. I also think there is nothing to be ashamed of by watching trash tv. I suggest Sober House http://www.vh1.com/shows/sober_house/season_1 and Ruby http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp.

If Ruby can go from 700 pounds to 300 pounds, there is hope for us yet.

Also don’t forget Millionaire Matchmaker, http://www.bravotv.com/the-millionaire-matchmaker

Yours in Mutual Love of Foxtel,

SawHole.