What I am yet to get……

  • Why Lindsay Lohan did not darken up them locks before 3 months in Prison, Girlfriend is going to be sporting some good skunk stripe when she is released. But really, i think that is the best she has looked in a LOOOONG time. Go figure. I would have spent the last night of freedom out on the tiles, till I was scraped off the floor of some seedy tattoo parlour as the sun rose and delivered to jail by a bulldozer. We are just waiting for her to find God now.
  • How Gloria Jeans & Starbucks “coffee”can achieve the exact same taste as effluent run-off mixed with salt.
  • Why Γ€oli is included in absolutely everything on menus. Ditto jus.
  • Please do not come and string me up, but Masterchef.
  • Why Hey Hey is still on TV and why is Tony Abbott appearing tonight as a red-faces judge – when dickheads collide.
  • Why kids can love eating something one day and swear off it the next.
  • Why I am likely to buy pink colours vodka drinks from a 19 year old promotions chick in a silver bikini on a Friday afternoon at our local bottle-shop when I have 2 bitchin kids with me and ugg boots on and I have illegally double parked out the front. Do I look like I care that it is Organic?? .
  • Why there is not a mobile coffee van parked outside my house at 7am. And again at 2pm. And a mobile wine bar van to toot it’s horn at 5pm?
  • Why after 2 weeks of having the Mazda detailed, it still smells like cat yak rolled in mould.
  • Speaking of smells, what’s with the stink that slaps you in the face when you walk past a Subway “Restaurant”? And therefore, why are they always so busy?
  • How come so many people with very horrific circumstances in Bogota and Sudan want to give me $30 million US dollars every day via my hotmail account?
  • Excuse me false advertising! – I expected a Geek when I booked Geeks2U to come sort out my computer issues, not a hottie. Got the neighbour in for further clarification and yes, she agreed.
  • Why I have more zits on my face at the age of 37 than I had for the entire 80’s.
  • Why, despite having no wine for 2 nights, do I wake up feeling grumpier than ever.
  • Why Lady Gaga is always out and about without her pants. Not quirky LG, Lazy.

  • How my 4 year old can confuse my nicotine patch with a band aid when I discovered it on his knee. “What is on your knee baby?”
  • The Russian Fuckwits who thought putting a Donkey up in a para sail would be a good way to promote their business last week. That donkey should be encouraged to belt them several times in their Jatz Crackers. PS It survived…. just.


    What puzzles you?

  • I am pleased to no end that Lady GaGa, a young woman with a team of personal trainers and chefs at her beck and call, still has cellulite.

    And that even fishnet stockings are unable to smooth it out.

    I am puzzled that she hasn’t figured out that pants will hide said cellulite.

  • I am with you on so many of those!

    Karen

  • With pink vodka, who farking cares if it’s organic? It’s all the same when it comes back up!

    As for Masterchef, I don’t understand the hype? I will be pleased with it’s over and my Twitter feed will no longer feature quips about curry and Matt’s cravat.

    And Gaga? Cottage cheese on is fine, but not on your thighs love. PUT YOUR CRACK AWAY!

  • Oh you are so right on with so much. (esp Red faces and Tony).
    Can you please send the mobile coffee van to my house when you are finished with it. Ta.

  • Just so many things but at the moment in the middle of an election campaign am getting v sick of slogans by both media and politicians (at the moment it is that people are ‘peppered’ with questions, at least Rudd is gone so we don’t have to put up with ‘Working Families’ and ‘In due season’).

    The wine and coffee van shouldn’t toot it should have that creepy edelweiss music box music that My Whippy has.

    And my husband hate the word ‘jus’ so much if I utter the word in the house I have to withdraw it. Seriously.

  • What puzzles me is why when I use any public toilet – I’m thinking airports, malls, mcdonalds, skanky graffitied one at the local park, and I have carefully selected the cubicle with the least amount of wet grey toilet paper on the floor and body secretions on both the exterior and interior of the bowl, I realise too late once I’ve entered the loo that the person before me has always done a stinky shite. And as I usually am only doing a wee, the person immediately after me always thinks it was me that did it. Every single time. I’m just saying.

  • Ho, ho. All of the above. But I have an answer: the reason you wake up grumpier after 2 nights without wine is that you have gone 2 nights without wine.

    Oh, and Lohan learned that blondes pick up more in jail. That’s just what I heard.

  • I am laughing laughing about little lindsay. So true and observant of you. Amusing! And great visions of a bulldozer taking you to jail!

  • I don’t understand Paris Hilton either. Why there are two standards, one for the regular folks and another for the very rich, I don’t get that either. And Raina’s comment about being pleased to no end…made me laugh. As did Lady GaGa’s unflattering photo. Mostly what I don’t understand is mean people. I mean, what do they get out of being mean? I wonder a lot about that.

  • It puzzles me why you haven’t left the Woogs to their own devices so you can go off and be Tony’s campaign manager for the next 6 weeks! God knows he needs a sense of humour.

  • I am wetting myself laughing!!

    I am thinking of getting dressed in a orange shirt tomorrow and posting my own tribute to Lyndsay mugshot on my blog.

    Subway smell – I think they pipe that through the air..it’s so weird!! It’s exactly the same as the taste it leaves in your mouth where you are insanely thirsty for like 5 hours afterwards!!

    Ditto Hey hey. Why the fark can they not call it Hey hey it’s Wednesday?? Shites me to tears.

    Geeks2U give me name and number please – I am smashing my computer as we speak. But what’s with hot tradies?? God love em but here you are, at home in the trackies, no make-up on expecting some loser and in walks hottie patotie!! So not prepared!! Is it too obvious if I go upstairs and put my foundation on? Does that make me an unfaithful biatch??

    I work in a restaurant with aioli and jus on everything.

    Is this the longest comment ever??

    Thanks Mrs Woog have been feeling devoid of creativity and this just gave me a boost

  • Great list, love it! Man, I could quit my job and make some serious money with a coffee and wine cart. Hmmm…what song would I blast out as I trolled along the suburban streets? LOL on the nicotine patch. And, Lindsey? I’m already pissed that she probably won’t even spend the full amount of time in jail. Just wait. I bet she’ll be released after 2 weeks.

  • Sometimes Mrs Woog I think you may be getting old and crotchety. You are NOT SUPPOSED to understand these things. Most things now are a mystery to everyone over the age of 18. Just let it flow over and around you and take you gently on the tide – Gin in one hand Prozac in the other.

  • even sillier than the Russian Fuckwits who thought putting a Donkey up in a para sail would be a good way to promote their business last week…..the guy who tried to smuggle 18 monkeys through customs ….I mean come on they were just under his shirt and he thought he’d get away with it!! there’s one born every minute http://news.smh.com.au/breaking-news-world/customs-hold-man-with-18-hidden-monkeys-20100720-10i4c.html

  • Wise advice Badger my old friend. And if getting old and crotchey means gin and prozac…. is say bring it on!

  • Ha! Nice list. And yes, send the van to my house please.

    What I don’t get? Prue MacSwine. Actually, pretty much everything. I’m with Badger, I just take another sip and let it pass me by.

  • Was I the only person who, as a child, thought that Snufflufagus was Big Bird’s imaginary friend?

    Chef assures me it was just he wandered off before other people came along but I was convinced he was invisible.

    SO much so that when I started watching Sesame Street again with my own children I was all, ‘oh WOW, everyone can see Snufflufagus now’.

    True story.

  • When the coffee truck is done at your house please send him to mine?
    I hope some nasty ass bitch knocks Lohan one in the teeth whilst shes in the slammer.
    Hilarious as always, great post.

  • I’m with you re masterchef. I haven’t watched the show but I understand there are challenges. And I am fairly sure none of the challenges involve preparing 6 meals a week that a) have more nutritional value than a bowl of cheezels b) contain ingredients bought from the local New World (preferably 4 for $5) and c) will be guaranteed to be eaten by my children – both children, all meals. Bonus points if they prepare the meal while helping a 7 year old do maths homework and while preventing a 4 year old from injuring the pet. Then, and only then, can someone be deemed a true masterchef. Because anyone can cook for an adult.

  • I also don’t get why my name appeared as Pilk Moonbeam. But I like it, I think I’ll keep it.

  • I totally love this post!

    My questions:
    a) why is Hey Hey on at all? and
    b) why do they call is Hey Hey its Saturday when it’s just not? On a Saturday that is.

    You are a funny lady Woogs.

  • mum

    Ok I meant plug. Not pug. I hate pugs. And they are really hard to give to someone online

  • I give up!! The above message is not from your mum. It’s from me. Fark. I’m going to bed

  • False advertising – where’s the beard? I came here for the beard and I got zits. Nobody talks about the beard and I was so hoping for the Mrs Woog take on it. But, beard aside, great post. Am with you on everything except MasterChef, to which I am horribly and excruciatingly addicted.

  • Wow Mrs Woog, your mum is commenting on your blog?! Better watch what you say.. (joking, ok, I’m joking..)

    And nah, not nervous. Blogging is nothing compared to clowning on stage! πŸ˜‰

  • I happen to be engaged to a drop dead gorgeous geek. They do happen πŸ˜‰

    I don’t understand why my kids haven’t figured out that back talking gets them grounded. Which I LOVE because Hello, Me Time!

  • you summed up the hey/hey/tony abbott combo perfectly!

    “When dickheads collide”….couldn’t think of three better words to describe this grouping…

  • We walked into my house the other day, and my 7-year-old said, “It smells like someone threw up in here!” So I sent everyone on a scavenger hunt for puke and found nothing. I’m with you on the disgusting smells that won’t go away.

    And I had great skin as a teenager. Now I look like an acne commercial.

    Found you through MultipleMum.

  • Stopping by from MultipleMum’s blog…these are great! I especially identify with the Subway restaurant smell. Would you believe they have a Subway in the hospital here? When I was expecting we went there for prenatal classes…how would you like to smell that on a pregnant stomach?!!!

  • Mrs Woog you’re the best. I love you… but most of all I love the nicotine patch on your childs knee. Can it get any more classic? Thanks for makin me giggle πŸ™‚

  • Oh wow, I probably didn’t need to see Gaga’s bum that closely. *shudder*

  • Hilarious!

  • Oh wow, I thought I was the only person who thought that about Subway. I heave every time I walk past one!

    And ditto to Masterchef. Never watched it.

  • I kinda think LG’s bum is cute. Kinda. KK?

  • LOL Great list. Oh the bandaid one got me. Nicotine patch in the knee.

  • Oh Hooray… someone else thinks Gloria Jeans coffee stinks! My friends say… Let’s meet at Gloria Jeans… and I say, Let NOT!

  • Brilliant. So with you on many of those. Particularly the Hey Hey its Saturday comment.

  • Ha ha! I was nodding all the way through that list! Looks like that coffee van will be pretty busy round here! πŸ™‚