What I am yet to get……

  • Why Lindsay Lohan did not darken up them locks before 3 months in Prison, Girlfriend is going to be sporting some good skunk stripe when she is released. But really, i think that is the best she has looked in a LOOOONG time. Go figure. I would have spent the last night of freedom out on the tiles, till I was scraped off the floor of some seedy tattoo parlour as the sun rose and delivered to jail by a bulldozer. We are just waiting for her to find God now.
  • How Gloria Jeans & Starbucks “coffee”can achieve the exact same taste as effluent run-off mixed with salt.
  • Why √§oli is included in absolutely everything on menus. Ditto jus.
  • Please do not come and string me up, but Masterchef.
  • Why Hey Hey is still on TV and why is Tony Abbott appearing tonight as a red-faces judge – when dickheads collide.
  • Why kids can love eating something one day and swear off it the next.
  • Why I am likely to buy pink colours vodka drinks from a 19 year old promotions chick in a silver bikini on a Friday afternoon at our local bottle-shop when I have 2 bitchin kids with me and ugg boots on and I have illegally double parked out the front. Do I look like I care that it is Organic?? .
  • Why there is not a mobile coffee van parked outside my house at 7am. And again at 2pm. And a mobile wine bar van to toot it’s horn at 5pm?
  • Why after 2 weeks of having the Mazda detailed, it still smells like cat yak rolled in mould.
  • Speaking of smells, what’s with the stink that slaps you in the face when you walk past a Subway “Restaurant”? And therefore, why are they always so busy?
  • How come so many people with very horrific circumstances in Bogota and Sudan want to give me $30 million US dollars every day via my hotmail account?
  • Excuse me false advertising! – I expected a Geek when I booked Geeks2U to come sort out my computer issues, not a hottie. Got the neighbour in for further clarification and yes, she agreed.
  • Why I have more zits on my face at the age of 37 than I had for the entire 80’s.
  • Why, despite having no wine for 2 nights, do I wake up feeling grumpier than ever.
  • Why Lady Gaga is always out and about without her pants. Not quirky LG, Lazy.

  • How my 4 year old can confuse my nicotine patch with a band aid when I discovered it on his knee. “What is on your knee baby?”
  • The Russian Fuckwits who thought putting a Donkey up in a para sail would be a good way to promote their business last week. That donkey should be encouraged to belt them several times in their Jatz Crackers. PS It survived…. just.

    What puzzles you?