Saturdays with SawHole # 8

Fresh back from her gig as the Celebrity Judge at the controversial Lithgow’s Cutest Baby contest , SawHole had little time to unpack her spanx and falsies when this dilemma popped into my inbox. And please, email your issue to [email protected] and get SawHoles take on absolutely anything. No problem to large, no issue to strange. Believe me, she has been there.

Dear SawHole,

I am a 31 year old single girl. I find it very very hard to meet men and all my girlfriends are married or living with their partners. I have been on a few very bad set-up blind dates and am beginning to loose faith that I might ever meet anyone.

My colleague has taken me through the RSVP site and thinks I should join.

What do you think of internet dating?


Dearest Amanda,

It all gets a bit ugly dating in your 30s, doesn’t it? You get to a point where scouting for talent in a dark bar where wannabe AMW(actress, models, whatevers) are serving you $20 cocktails is not your thing. Especially when you can never be sure if Mr Dreamboat has just slipped a horse tranquiliser into your mojhito.

In the past, SawHole has blind, speed, internet and even pitted dates. And what fun it was for one and all. Mrs Woog dined out on stories of my dates for years. If you sign up for a dating site, I can guarantee there will not be a dull moment.

So the first thing I need to prepare you for is the freak factor. There will be men who are up to no good on the site and they will target you. Your job is to ignore, ignore and to suss them out with a mixture of internet snooping and general worldliness. You then report them to their wives or the dating police, whichever you prefer.

Next thing is a small matter of personal grooming. Date one will be like a job interview so you need to look your best. Shallow, I know, but true. Buy yourself three great little dresses (not all in black) and a pair of these

Now you maybe thinking potential Bridget Jones moment here “And, um, these are-fuck me, absolutely enormous pants,” said the very irresistible Daniel Cleaver. However, normally these first dates are coffee meet and greets so there will be no need for him to see your underwear, unless, of course, you are getting out of a limo in Hollywood.

Also be prepared for the fact some men look nothing like their photos. As my friend Ms Fabulous and I will attest, happens and is nothing short of fraud. If this happens to you, I suggest you contact the Australian Consumer and Competition Commission because the bastard has violated the Trade Practises Act. I got the shock of my life when it happened to me and I could not shake him off at the end of the night. Always the way isn’t it.Which brings me to my next point.

You will have to reject some poor souls. I found a succinct: “I am sorry I am unable to (insert activity).” worked. You just leave it at that. I used that same line when I was the victim of height fraud. I don’t mind short, as demonstrated by a long and torturous relationship with a fraud named Philanderer, but don’t lie about it.

Amanda, if you make the jump to internet dating, you will have fun. One of my friends dated six men in one week when she joined the site. It is mainstream now, so there are sure to be dateable guys on the site. Also take a girlfriend to speed dating. You will have a few wines, many laughs and meet about 12 men. The odds are excellent.

Now before I sign off, I need to tell SawHole’s favorite speed dating story. SawHole once attended an event in Sydney with a friend of hers, Ms SJG. SawHole walked into the venue wearing a very Mad Men-like frock (I was ahead of the times because this was 2004), grabbed her champagne and started talking to SJG. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she spied Steveo the Devo, a notorious Sydney playboy, whom she had dated several times.

SawHole bolted to what she thought was the nearest exit and as she was leaving she saw a girl in a lovely dress. SawHole thought to herself that dress is fabulous and then she hit a mirror, nose first. The chick in the nice dress was SawHole and her nose had almost dented the mirror.

I then deftly made my way past Steveo, who lucky had his back to me, and bolted to safety, only to be stopped by the bouncer. “You can’t take that out there, love,” he said. Realising I only had seconds before Steveo saw me, I rammed the champagne glass into the man’s hand and bolted up a spiral staircase to safety. SJG followed me out onto the street and asked what happened. In between puffs of a cigarette, I said: “I am fucking Bridget Jones, that’s all!”

I then sent SJG back inside to determine whether Steveo was indeed a notorious Sydney playboy. And she reported back that indeed was the case.

As I said, Amanda, there will never be a dull moment. Good luck. Let SawHole know when one of your bridesmaids is being a bitch and we will sort it.

Cheers to you,