Dear Mr Woog

My Darling,

By the time you read this I will be gone.

Do not worry too much, for at this stage I do plan to return. You see I have decided to go on a spiritual journey and rediscover the sounds of silence.

Now you are in charge. Daunting hey. So I am compiling a list of things you need to do to keep WoogsWorld running. You may need to grab a highlighter.

  1. Get up at the crack of dawn and stop the kids from eating forbidden items from the pantry. You may like to go to the toilet at this time.
  2. See the screaming cat? Feed it. If it vomits, clean it up.
  3. See the silent Guinea pig? OK – go and find some newspaper and change the bottom of the cage. I also like to use the old BBQ scraper to really clean it out good. Now feed the pig.
  4. And while you are out there, put on the first load of washing. DO NOT PUT THE NEW RED BATHMATS IN WITH ANYTHING ELSE. Unless you want everything to go pink. Actually, just do not touch those mats.
  5. Make the beds. Pick up cushions from the floor. Referee the fight that is now probably going on in the kitchen.
  6. So it will be about 6.30am now – so feed the other two animals….. sorry I mean kids. And no they do not have chocolate milo on their weetbix. Ever.

From here, you can probably relax a bit. But use this handy checklist to make sure you come through the week seamlessly.

Kids need clean undies everyday. A bath at the end of each day is also a good idea.

TV is not a babysitter, I like to say this but I do not necessarily mean it.

McDonalds for dinner is ok – just not every night.

Sure, you can give the kids lollies just before bed. That is a great idea.

Snot? Issue a tissue. Green snot and temperature? You have yourself an ear infection. And he will need to go to the doctor. And it will not go away by itself.

If you are wondering why your feet are sticking to the kitchen floor, it is because it is fucking gross and you need to mop it. The mop is in the laundry… ok the laundry is that room out the back… with those strange white boxes that make noise all day. The mop is red with a sponge on the end.

Try to get the kids to snack on fruit. You might need to go and buy some. It does not magically appear each day… a bit like a fresh toilet roll. You need to replenish often.

Playing rumblings in bed for 20 minutes before lights out is great – Just be prepared to be up till midnight.

Discourage hands down pants, both back and front bottoms. It is a lifetime habit (as you know) unless it is nipped in the bud at an early age.

Daycare is on. School is NOT ON so do not even try and drop Harry off. No one will be there and DOCS will be called. Do not feign stupidity. You have been told.

The bin is near the sink and is probably best taken out each day. As per your habit, do not keep squashing things into it until it overflows and the cat jumps in there and has a feast. The smell will signal it is time to be taken out. Or not… that is entirely up to you.

I have taken the liberty of NOT spending my last day before my holiday cleaning, washing and cooking up a storm for you all. Because I am just nice like that.

Do not try and farm the kids off to Sarah next door. She is in Europe.

Harry will turn into a psycho if you let him play computer games for 2 hours straight. Tempting as it may seem, we know the result from experience… but again your call.

We all make sacrifices Mr Woog. I am afraid that your dawn surf at Manly is on hold for the week. No the kids will not be ok if you leave them.

I know you will be very concerned about my blog. Do not worry my love. I have one or two fine ladies filling in for me. But if any PR firms send me goodies DO NOT OPEN THEM, especially if Vodka O sends me a fresh supply.

Woogettes, Mummy loves you more than you will ever know. I just have to go and spend a week on the beach in Thailand so I can come back and be an even better mummy.

And Mr Woog, I hand you the power. Do me proud but if it all turns to shit, just concentrate on keeping everyone alive ok? And if there is a HAZMAT suit hanging on the front door when I get home, I will know the bedlam lies within. But I will not even care.

Love you all,

Mrs Woog


PS Hannah and Styling You – SawHole has selected you two as the winners of her Bloom’s Hair Pamper Pack! Email your deets to [email protected].