It seems like one big long gay weekend here!

I have not done this before.

I am featuring an email I got from a dear friend in response to yesterday’s question from Patrick, a rural farmer questioning his sexuality. Just because it is good stuff.
Read Nod and Spread the good word of the famous Sydneysider
and TV Publicist, Mother Gay.

Dear Patrick,

I love my Sawhole! She is amazing at many things, super intelligent, and in the right light she is very attractive. She is also 100% correct that all questions on ‘gayness’ need to be referred to me.

I am a professional homosexual. I have been for many years. In fact I’ve built a career out of it. And there is no gay story or scenario I haven’t either experienced myself or had one of my pose go through it for me. My posse by the way consists of 6 poofs and 2 fag hags, I call them my 6 poofs and 2 fag hags.

I also come from good country stock so have a deeply personal connection to your dilemma. In hindsight, my ‘coming out’ (hate that term by the way) could be considered cowardly. It was many years ago, before Will & Grace, when men only got on their knees for one thing and that was gardening. There was 600km’s separating us which I thought was a safe distance to ‘reinvent myself’ when an early morning phone call from my mum was answered by my drag queen boyfriend. There’s just no explaining that! Yes, I AM A RAVING HOMER!

But in this enlightened era, even for rural Queensland, I firmly believe that us gays shouldn’t have to be ‘coming out’. Surely in 2010 being gay can just be being gay and not require a song and dance melodrama that inevitably involves secrets and lies. Having said that, Abbot came dangerously close to power so me thinks we are not as enlightened as I hoped. He does wear Speedo’s though – when next at Tamarama I’m gonna pay more attention to the Daddy’s rather than the Muscle Mary’s– it could be him!

So lets presume, that even in 2010, we need a strategy. In fact, its a two part strategy.

First – the telling of the family. In my experience parents will always come around. It may be horrific at first but you are their son. And they will always question whether it is for real (don’t anyone ever dare mention the word ‘phase’ to me, there is no such thing). So to counteract their doubtful/questioning period best to leave nothing in doubt. Have them bust you riding bareback with the cowboy from next door! Once they’ve scene you in full flight they can hardly argue with that. Or if no Jackeroo is available, I’ll pop in the post some dvd’s that can you can be enjoying solo on the family couch as they come in from the shearing shed. Parents need to realise that having a gay child is the best thing that could happen to them, but that’s a whole other topic I shall leave for another time. Brothers can be a little more difficult sometimes, get drunk with them as soon as possible after you’ve told them, alcohol cures everything. Stick with Rum, now is not the time to introduce them to your love of Apple martinis.

Stage 2 – what to do next. This is simple. Buy yourself a VW Eos or Audi A3 and get yourself to Surry Hills ASAP. No point living gay anywhere else. Trust me on this. I have done many a gay tour of Oz and the exception of a few isolated venues/saunas there is no where else to live. In Sury Hills we hurl abuse at passing straights and make them drink in their own dark dingy bars. We specialise in day clubs, extreme fashion, tanning, GRINDr and Fitness First. I am now a gay-of-a-certain-age so I’ve deemed it appropriate for me and my much-loved SABF (that’s straight-acting boyfriend) to move outside the ghetto across its southern border of Cleveland St to live in Redfern. The gays are responsible for the gentrification of Redfern, we are very proud. As for employment do not worry. There are so many professions that are exclusive for us you will have no problem – anything in PR, fashion or the arts! To say nothing of the entire entertainment industry.

So I do hope that helps Patrick. If you need any further advice you can find me on my website, Facebook, Twitter, FourSquare, GRINDr, Skype, email or mobile. And my number is on the wall of every toilet cubicle between Hyde Park and Westfield Bondi Junction.

Much love, Happy Mardi Gras,

Mother Gay