The Da Woogie Code

Saying one thing and meaning another is de rigueur around these parts. Let me share with you some examples that have occured here in the past 48 hours….
Apparently “Put your shoes on please…” means sit there like a slack jawed yokel in front of SpongeBob Squarepants.

Like when I turned up at the Divine Ms M’s place yesterday and she checked out my outfit and said “That is a new look for you!” which is code for did you take a toke on a crack pipe before you got dressed this morning?

Or when Mr Woog asks (usually at breakfast), “What are we cooking for dinner?” which is translated to “What are you cooking for dinner?”

Or your mum says “I think you are making a mistake…” when she really means “You are about to fuck up again.”

Or you take a chance on a new purchase. “That is an interesting scarf.” means “That scarf is fucking gross”. Thanks gen-y salesgirl at Forever New.

And my own current favourite “I am taking a career break to raise my kids.” is akin to “I cannot find a job that involves me going out to lunch every day and knocking off at 3pm.”

“Change the toilet roll please” is “crickets chirping”

“Hang up your towel” is “Chuck your soaking wet towel on my bed.”

“Can you sweep the floor” is “Sweep a bit here and there in a half-assed fashion and then sweep it into the corner and leave it.”

“Did you spend much money today.” is “I have been on the net and looked at the account and you said you were not going to Chatswoog today.”

“Just a small one for me” is “make mine a double”

But here, now and forever “Take the bloody bin out for god’s sake. Why would you put prawn heads in the kitchen bin you idiot?” will mean “Please take out the bin….idiot

Does your family have a similar problem?