Fast Freaky Food

Last night I was watching TV. I was actually watching Today Tonight or a Current Affair or one of those crappy shows which I would usually not confess to anyone that I sometimes watch because it is like junk food for your brain.

If you watch those shows, do you ever notice how many junk food ads are on during them? It is quite remarkable considering there is always at least one segment on the show about the perils of fast food.

Anyway, I digress.

An advertisement came on for a new burger from KFC, called the Double Down Burger, and I did a double take.

Instead of a bun, you have two crusty fillets of fried chicken which houses a salty hotbed of bacon, cheese and sauce. The thought of a tide of salty, fatty chicken fat oil flooding your mouth when you bite into one of these made me ask myself. “Who would eat that?”. And then I dry wretched a bit.

I doubt very much that someone who was trying to limit their carbs in an aim to shift some kilos would eat it. Oh what would Sir Sanders think?

I am not a fast food teetotaller by any means. My guilty indulgence of choice is the good old cheeseburger, which I try to limit to eating after a night out on the tiles where I might be feeling less than fresh, or when driving with the Woogettes over a distance. I feel guilty about it for about 4 seconds before I am either nauseous again or struck in the back of the head with a McHappy Toy. I think that fast food “restaurants” have gone way to far however with what they can offer up to consumers under the guise of “food”. Take for example a Subway Seafood Sensations Sandwich.

The few times I have been into a Subway (plastic chicken teriyaki and salad thanks) I always stand behind someone who orders a Seafood Sensations mega sub, toasted with cheese and extra mayo. I have to block my nose and look away. I feel like slapping them and saying “Are you seriously going to eat that?” It does not even look like this. It looks like pink lumpy Perkins Paste which is dished out with an ice cream scoop.

Next up on my McYuk Radar is the McRib. They take all the assholes and snouts of a pig, mash it up and deep fry it, cover it is sauce and onions and done. Foul.

Then there is the McLobster. A seasonal offering found in the US. Again, no way. I love lobster. I would feature in my last meal should I find myself on death row. But I would rather die than eat this from McDonalds. Wouldn’t you?

This lump of foulness is called The Double Angry Angus from Hungry Jacks. In short “The double Angry Angus Burger, which hit menu boards across the country on November 17, comes with two beef patties, cheese, bacon, mayonnaise and deep-fried onions – totalling 5.6 grams of salt per serve. The average recommended daily intake of salt is between 1.8 and 2.3 grams. It also contains 26 grams of saturated fat – 10 grams more than recommended.” They forgot to mention that you are a complete fuckwit if you eat one. Hungry Jacks are also responsible for the Quad Burger. Or the Quadruple Bypass Burger.

Then there is the hamburger for confused fast food addicts. The Pizza Burger from Burger King. It focuses on width rather than height. But unlike pizza, I doubt it would taste good the next morning.

And finally there is the Burger King Meat Monster which represents all animal species wedged together between bread. What can’t you find here? I can see they only thing lacking is smoked salmon.

Do you think these freaky burgers are Grouse or Gross? And spill your guilty fast food secret. Go on! I did……..