Father’s Day Gift Guide.

I was going to call this post MotherFuckers Gift Guide,  because essentially that is what fathers are.  Not in the derogatory sense of course…. But then I thought I would scare off all potential sponsors wanting to work with me,  so I changed it to something less offensive. I am smart like that.

 Everyday in WoogsWorld is Father’s Day. Mr Woog lucked in and married the most understanding woman in the world. Yeah right.

He is out at Eastern Creek again today playing motor bike racers with other boys while I do the ballet run,  the birthday party run and the grocery run.   And of course the last minute panic Father’s Day Purchase run.  And as I point out to Mr Woog,  he is not actually my father.  I have Dad of Mrs Woog, The Saintly Step Dad and Dr Woog (aka Father in Law) to deal with. He has two kids.  They will no doubt have made some bit of crap at school to give him tomorrow.

So I have put together a little guide for you to consider if you have not already bought a gift for your dad.

Mrs Wonderful
Mrs Wonderful is a smiling doll wearing ugly-ass shoes.  She has a string you pull and spouts of some gems as…..
Don’t feel bad honey, i forgot it was our anniversary too!
 You don’t need a glass, just go ahead and drink right out of the carton.
Your new secretary is cute! I bet she’s smart too!
Oh… your watching a ballgame. Just stay right there on the couch and I’ll whip up some snacks.
I’ll finish cleaning out the garage honey, your friends are waiting for you to play golf.
 You’re going out with the boys tonight? You’ve worked hard… Enjoy yourself!
A new reversible drill, oh honey it’s just what i needed!
 Are you sure it’s ok to wash this shirt? You’ve only worn it for a couple of days.
 Don’t worry about taking the trash out. I can use the exercise.
 It really doesn’t matter if you leave the toilet seat up, it makes it easier to clean.
You’re right, we don’t need directions, maybe you’ll find a short cut
Mexican Hat Salsa and Chip bowl
SawHole discovered this little gem years ago when she gave it to the Divine Ms M after being an extended house guest following the demise of her engagement to a real motherfucker.  Since then it has been a seriously prized and coveted kitchen item.
Press the button and the Salsa Bowl will open for you to scoop salsa onto your chip.
When the bowl opens, you will hear “Mexican Hat Dance Music.”
The bowl then closes automatically.
Batteries included.
Freckleberry Wanker Alert Tablets
I bought these for my Dad,  not because he is a wanker, but because he works in the Horse racing Industry and I suspect there might be a few wankers about.  I am going to tell him to put them on his desk,  or carry them into meetings and dispense as necessary.
Cat Bum Pencil Sharpener
I also bought Dad this.  He is quite the cat fancier and this is just so wrong,  it has to be right! Right?
Whilst not in use, it looks like a rather charming decorator piece for cat lovers. It’s only when your lead snaps that you discover the eye-widening truth about this desk accessory. Or perhaps Sylvester said it best with the phrase – “Thuffering Thocatash!”.
Red Plastic Looking Puffy Vest
 Sometimes,  your relationship with your dad might not be great.  And Father’s Day can be a painful reminder.  If this is your situation,  you may like to send a puffer vest to let your dad know you are thinking of him. It may be just the thing to start the road to healing.
A wide selection can be found on Ebay.
I hope you have found some inspiration in my gift guide.
Got any better ideas? Apart from a vasectomy?