The Mystery of the Midnight Pisser

For the past few weeks,  Mr Woog has woken up to find the front door opened on several occasions. It causes some panic and alarm as he rushes in to check on the kids,  who are inevitably sound asleep.  He then goes and checks that we have not been burgled,  before coming back in and waking me up ask me “Did you shut the front door before you came to bed?” in which I always grunt “Yes. Now fetch me my coffee good man.”

But as of today,  the mystery is solved.

Yesterday I had an absolute shocker. A bad day of epic proportions. First there was no speakies then I had a mental block regarding something I was writing.  So I went to do some window shopping to pull myself out of my funk.  The only thing I ended up buying was a falafel roll which was foul. And I found these shorts which made me question humanity. When I got home I wandered into the bathroom only to slip like a bitch and fall so hard on my arm,  I thought I had broken it.  I lay on the floor in the bathroom thinking if I did not move,  nothing else could go wrong. And then I burst into tears.

Later that afternoon I almost went over again after I trod in dog shit. A dog shit the size of a bowling ball.  Why I did not see it I have no idea.  Maybe my macular is fucked.

Mr Woog got home and took over kid duties while I had a shower and headed off to bed early with a book.  As the hours went by,  everyone retired to bed and of course….. I could not sleep.

I went to get a glass of water and on the way back to my room,  I noticed the boys door was open.  And the front door was open. I quietly crapped myself.

I silently tip toed to the front door and peered out,  fully prepared to cop a baseball bat in the face from some crack head junkie,  just to top off my day.

To my surprise,  I found one of my sons with his pants around his ankles and his hands on his hips,  pissing like a racehorse into the gardenia bush.  At midnight. Because,  it seems,  the bathroom was just too far away.

And with that we have solved the mystery of why the front door is opened in the morning AND have narrowed down the suspect list of who is the Mystery Midnight Floor Pisser. Today I am going to Bunnings to purchase a door chain and while I am there,  I might see if they sell these.

 “If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad then Muhammad must go to the mountain.”

Except the other way around. And replace Mountain with Toilet and Muhammad with Harry.