Parenting 101 – Passive Aggressive Bribes.

Where I live school went back today and to be honest I think I survived these holidays better than most.  Because I came up with a plan.  A plan so brilliant I should study the theory behind it (which is actually my own),  write an eBook about it,  get that eBook turned into an online tutorial, go on The Today Show as a parenting expert and then do my masters.

My Masters in Manipulation.

Now before I share my secret of holiday survival, I know I am going to have my critics. And I am down with that.  I am probably fucking my kids up.  I am not going to disagree with you. But I do not care. My method is brilliant.

At the beginning of the school holidays, work out a sum for each of your children that suits your own personal budget.  Let’s say $20 for arguments sake. Write your child’s name on an envelope with the sum underneath and display it somewhere prominent.  The fridge is a natural choice.

Then say, if one of your kids rolls his eyes when you ask him to take the bin out, you pick up your texta and cross out the $20 and replace it with $19.  See where I am going with this?  Say that that particular child also deliberately trips up his younger brother and you happen to be watching, you can deduct another dollar.

What you deduct from the initial total is totally up to you and depends on the offence.  Me? I use this rough guideline.

  • Eye Roll – $1
  • Brother assault –  $1
  • Failure to feed livestock –  50c
  • General bitching –  50c
  • Failure to follow instructions in a timely manner  – 50c
  • Massive spack attack tantrum –  $2.50

And so on.  But the thing about my method is it will only take a day for the concept to kick into even the tiniest of brains.  Because at the end of the holidays,  the kids get taken to the toy shop where they have an hour to browse and choose anything they want to the value of what is in their envelope which is determined by the behaviour demonstrated during said holiday period while I read a magazine on a small chair near the cash register.

Remember going to the toyshop as a child and having just as much fun looking at everything without being rushed by your mum? Heaven.

I am sure it is going against all parenting and discipline theory’s out there.  But if it transpires that my boys end up in the shrinks office because of my methods, I will happily tell them that it has saved me from the same fate.

You are welcome.