Tell me the truth Mum. Have you ever sexed Dad?

It happened last night.

Mr Woog had gone to his mate Rohan’s house to watch the World Cup and Jack was in the bath. I was in the kitchen making dinner when Harry wandered in and asked “Tell me the truth Mum. Have you ever sexed Dad?”

Well I just about cut my finger off.

I told him I would come and talk to him in a minute. And I had a minor panic attack. I mean the kid is 7 and has already cottoned onto something. I was not sure what to do. Should I just brush it off,  make up some bullshit story and hope the whole thing would go away?

I knew I had to address it,  so I poured myself a stiff vodka and tonic and sat down on the couch with Harry to have “the talk.”

Big swig of vodka.

“So darling,  what do you think sexing is?”

“When you kiss and cuddle in bed.” He replied.

“Correct.” I told him.  He waited for me to say something. I took a big swig of vodka. I looked at him. he looked at me. I wanted to die.

I started talking about falling in love and having funny feelings in your tummy about someone. By this stage I had a pleasant little buzz going on and was talking in circles. I was confusing myself. So I ripped off the band-aid, so to speak.

I actually used my fingers to symbolise a vagina and a penis and did the jabbing motion, like you did when you were in high school as an offensive gesture to someone. Harry was giving me nothing and remained blank faced. So then I used my hands to make a little tadpole swimming towards an egg, explaining that they joined up to make a tiny baby that grew inside the mum’s tummy and then after a long time the baby was ready to come out.

“Where does it come out?” He enquired.

Big swig of vodka.

“It comes out through the mum’s vagina.”

“How?” He asked.

“With much difficulty.” I told him.

He seemed OK with it. Not once did he look like he wanted to run away. He asked “So you and Dad have done this twice then……” So I went on to tell him that people love each other and they show their love for each other by doing it you know… like for fun.

It was this part that he found the most offensive. “You do that for fun?”

By this stage I was onto my second voddy and I really wanted to say I did it because I was nagged to death by his father and really most of the time I wanted to watch Chelsea Lately over a bowl of Maggie Beers Ice Cream, but the romantic in me told him that it was a very special thing to do. But you could not do it until you are married and even then you had to wait until you were 30 otherwise you went to jail for life.


We were done. He wandered off to play BeyBlades and I went back to the stove,  slightly pissed but quite sure I had done an ok job. One down, one to go and I am totally making Mr Woog do it. Jack asks way too many questions.  Oh the questions. Too many questions.

Have you had The Talk? 
How did you get on?
  • I would try to write something meaningful here but I can’t stop laughing… My kids are still too little to have a clue, thank gawd, I might need time to practice my finger gestures…high school was a very long time ago. Pure gold, and I can’t believe you only needed two drinks to get through it.

  • Openbookhere

    My boy asked I told him and I gave him a book to read, the only word he did not understand was orgasm I explained and just mentioned that if the teacher was asking about spelling words that start with O this one he could forget to mention, I think he was in year three or four. The more they know the better in my belief!

  • Bah ha ha – good job! My 5yo declared to me while I was cooking dinner ‘I want to have a ‘i’m sexy and I know it’ party. You what?!!! I said no, obviously. But why? Because that’s an adult thing. Why? Oh boy – why do the big discussions always happen when cooking dinner?!!

  • Hilarious! All the things I have to look forward to!!

  • Elise

    I was one of those blunt mum’s that told the truth and used the proper words. About 3 years ago my daughter was changing her 18 mth old son. Well…. he started pointing and so blunt honest grandma said ‘ Yes that’s your penis’ My daughter looked me in the eye and said ‘Mum he’s showing you the picture on his t-shirt’! I may keep quite in future. Haha

  • Julie Jacobs

    A few days after I had the ‘where babies come from’ talk with my 5 and 7 year old sons, I heard them giggling manically. I asked them what was so funny. My oldest’s response: ‘We’re laughing because I got to come out of your tummy but Z had to come out of your vagina.’ And they then collapsed into more fits of giggles.

    Well done on your sex talk, Mrs Woog. I will now definitely employ hand gestures when I have the sex talk. And quite possibly a large vodka and tonic.

  • That was such a good read. Thanks for the post dinner chuckle. Of course I can laugh, I have at least 3 years before I have to sit and deliver the “jabbing” motion explanation. Job well done, Mrs Woog x

  • Ali Read

    We just had a session pitched at grade 3/4 at school tonight and my nearly 9year old wanted to stay for the 5/6 session!
    When deciding if we’d go he said to me “my friend said sex is when a man goes up to a woman and puts his penis in her vagina. Is this true” hmmm Well yes, but theres a a bit more involved like kissing and cuddling and that’s why we’re going to this session.
    And I bought a book secret boys business so he can read about it!

  • So bloody funny you! Not yet but thanks for reminding me to have a bottle of voddie ready 🙂

  • Well done!! My first question to my dad was “what is a head job” to which he replied something along the lines of “don’t ask your mother she dosent know”…..

  • Funniest thing I have ever read, and yes, have had this conversation with 2 of 5, hideous!

  • Hilarious but well done Mrs Woog. x

  • I’ve only had a glass of red and nearly fell off my stool reading this! I remember ‘the talk’ so well … wish I could have made people laugh too 🙂

  • Max also uses ‘sexed / sexing’ as a noun and it never fails to make me smile. “There are two frogs out the front sexing” and “does a boy have to sex a girl?” (answer, “no a boy can sex another boy if that’s what he’s into”?) Sexing is fun. x