The Seven Habits of Highly Irritating Husbands

I love Mr Woog to bits. No doubting that for a second.  But unlike me,  he is not perfect, so I am taking this opportunity to point out his faults on the World Wide Web. Because I love him to bits.

DISHWASHER – Not a day goes by that I do not get up and find a plate on the bench above the dishwasher. Mere centimeters away from the door of the dishwasher.

DISASTER – Last night I told him that there was a bra under wire caught in the washing machine. I watched him walk into the laundry and peer in. “HOLY CRAP!” he screeched at the top of his voice. He is one for extreme over-reactions and saying “I have had a disaster……”

ADVICE – unwanted of course.  My favourite is when he gives me parenting advice. The problem is that he will often contradict himself within a few short sentences. Or when he says things like “The kids need to eat dinner at 5 or they will go feral…..” when really it is HE who wants to eat at 5 because he is living on pensioner time.

OBSESSIVE – mainly showering, which can be up to 3 times a day. I am not sure if he is just purely filthy, a chronic masturbator or just likes having a shower.

BUDGET MEETINGS – He calls for a budget meeting about once a week,  where he will go through upcoming expenses and brainstorm ways to save cash. “We have nothing to insure, so why do we need insurance?” “What is wrong with doing your own nails?” “I really, really like grey hair on you….” It is the same each week. I nod, make agreeable noises and proceed to ignore everything.

EXCESSIVE WHIPPER SNIPPING AND MOWING AT 8AM ON A SATURDAY MORNING – no need for commenting on this one. You could set your watch by this.

ABSENTMINDEDLY TAKING ME FROM THE REAR – Sorry. You did read that right. I could be bent over unpacking the dishwasher, and he will dash over and dry hump me. Like some sort of horny dog on Viagra. Or I could be bending over picking clothes off the floor or tying my shoelaces. And there he is. Humping.

He did it on Christmas Day at a family gathering. Apparently my ass in the air is not dissimilar to Pavlov’s bell.

He did this last night as I was stacking the dishwasher. I stopped, pushed him away and asked “Do you really think that that is a turn on?” He explained it was just a gut reaction. He then suggested I blog about it to see if it was just him who did this.

I suspect he is not the only one?
Does your partner have a Highly Irritating Habit?
  • I too am married to a chronic humber, bum slapper and nipple tweaker! I’ll be sitting on the sofa minding my own business watching a bit of Grey’s Anatomy and out of no where comes a quick boob graze/nipple tweak – DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!

  • You know, the Welshman has actually increased this habit since I made the schoolgirl error of talking to him about this post. What. Was. I. Thinking?! Now, he thinks it is sanctioned behaviour and I would feel insulted or left out if he didn’t. Hmmmm

    Boyo, aged 7 and three quarters, demonstrated the fine art of dangly bit waving when we were on holiday. He was fascinated by the male kangaroo camped on our verandah who kept scratching his dangly bits.

    So he decided that it was a “I am male, see me dangle” call to arms. Every time he did a nudie run to dive into the spa pool (oh, three or four times a day), he would perform a little dangly bits dance and sing a song (the words of which escape me. On purpose. So I don’t go even more insane).

    What have I given birth to? I know what I married, and that’s my own fault, but I had hoped my genes would have helped a little!

    I did try doing a dangly dance of my own (well, booty shaking and boob rustling, you get the picture) but it turns out the Welshman quite enjoyed this and now expects it. Oh kill me now! 😉

  • Pingback: Is all blogging advice right for you? - Dorothy K | Dorothy K()

  • Pingback: The Seven Habits of Highly Sociopathic Husbands - Dorothy K | Dorothy K()

  • mumabulous

    My husband does the last item too. I tell him its a great help when I am doing the dishes. I guess the only thing worse than a husband who wants to dry hump you is a husband who doesn’t want to dry hump you.

  • SmittenKitten

    Yes and No, it worked for me not him! Mid dry hump attack I said “oh ok then, have your way with me!” he was very surprised and then had to decline as the footy was about to start. Eased up a bit after that.

  • The last one – husband does daily! You’d think with a 3 year old on grabbing at my leg while i’m bending down to see if he has shat in his nappy would be a complete turn off – ahhh no apparently! And the boob grab every time i walk past is now returned back with a nipple cripple!

    • Belinda

      The Boob Grab…….irritating as F&@K!!!! Forget the nipple gripple, my husband will get a punch to the throat if he doesn’t settle down

  • Karla Jones

    HahahahahahahaHAHA Oh my god, “chronic masturbator”, “dry humping” so funny! I can most definitely relate to 1, 3, 4 & 7!

  • Karla Jones

    Just thought of another one… Anyone elses husband do a little dance in front of the mirror every time they’re naked? Every. time. Mine also attempted to dack me this morning! Seriously!

  • Ha ha ha ha you have released this on the perfect day Mrs Woog. I HATE the fact that Dave will ignore me for LONG minutes while I waffle on and then when I roll my eyes and leave the room ie. he knows he is in the shit he says “Oh yeah, chuckle inane comment that half relates to what you’ve ben saying because I wasn;t listening but now I’m gionna pretend I was”.

  • AND…I hate the amount of Call of Duty he plays. SHIT – is he 11? Call of Duty for hours, then if he so much as enters the kitchen I’m supposed to drop everything and hang on his every word. I do love the man but my God they are INFANTILE

  • I have dryhumped my man in the past when he overdid his dryhumping (not current man) – made him back RIGHT OFF

  • Sarah Mac

    I remember this from the first time around and yep, I can SO identify! So much in fact that I hope you don’t mind that I’ve used it as a template for a post of my own.

  • Grannie

    Haha some things never change! I’m in my 60’s and I’m laughing at this article because…..some things NEVER change, and after 40 years I’m glad about it!
    (I’m logging in as a guest, so I don’t embarrass my children & grandchildren who read Mrs Woog!)

  • Mega

    No dishwasher at our place but how about being totally unable to stack dishes in any logical order? Just pile it up leaving cutlery entwined in the increasingly precarious mismatched mass. Or how about doing the dishes (very very rare) for the first time in years (he’s a stay at home…umm…unemployed) on my birthday but not starting until I get home from work (hampering dinner prep). NO OTHER GIFT so I guess that was it. Yay.
    As far as the dry hump or booby grab, annoying as it is to those who are suffering through it, I wish. Have had NO physical contact for 4 years. A few months ago I even put an end to the good night ‘air kiss’ I was getting. Too depressing.

  • Katie

    Mine dry humps me and is shocked into a serious pout when I respond less than favorably. He always turns and walks away in a serious sulk…knuckles dragging.

    He also does the “unveiling of his goods” at the most bizarre times – while I’m folding laundry, namely.

    Love the man dearly but REALLY?!?

  • Yep just him

  • sylv

    Yes I have the dry hyping going on here all.the.damn.time! Hate it but no matter how much I protest he seems to think it’s is right ugh!

  • Sylv

    oh gawd how bloody annoying that he taught your child that!

  • sylv

    I do it to mine & it makes no difference! So no your not a sicko

  • Cate Taylor

    No dry humping

    • GoddessMel

      OMG, the ‘floordrobe’ as mine calls it. I’m pretty sure it’s grounds for divorce. I stopped washing and folding his stuff, but he knows how to do it himself so the pile just keeps growing…

  • Bronwyn David

    Re “Disasters” – Staying in a short term apartment with a dodgy shower, I happened to shower while a load of washing was being run. Turns out the water system works best under pressure (it must be female). Having experience a good shower, I got out and announced “I’ve cracked the secret to having a good shower”. His response – in a panicked voice – “what have you cracked?” immediately totting up the likely expense of a cracked shower screen, tile, basin etc….

  • Sometimes. Lol lol lol!

  • Leah

    About the only thing my hubby does is the dry humping. Frequently. He *must* be touching me, rubbing my back, grabbing at me… whatever. I feel your pain, Mrs Woog! Another thing that annoys the f*#@ out of me is the constant list making. “I’ve gotta do this and do that and then there’s this thing too…. How am I going to get it all done?”, followed by sitting there doing nothing! Just.do.it!

  • Andrea

    the dry humping when I”m on the phone and then he gets mad if I go into another room and he tells me I don’t love him any more and I get the silent treatment. I can’t talk with someone in a normal conversation when someone is doing that stuff to me.

  • Niki

    My so humps me all the time, when i’m cooking dinner, he’s there. Looking into the fridge, picking up laundry, etc he’s there. It usually makes me laugh. Not in an obnoxious way, though. He likes to rub his body against mine, i think he likes the way it feels. I consider it a form of affection/desire.

  • GoddessMel

    My husband thought it was hilarious to try and hug me while I was hanging the washing. Not because he necessarily wanted to hug me, but because it would irritate our dog who would shove himself between us and bark at which ever one he decided had initiated affection that he wasn’t included in. Sadly, yesterday husband did same thing and whispered in my ear ‘I miss being barked at’. We had to have our dog put down about 5 weeks ago due to bone cancer. I don’t think I’ve loved my husband more than in that moment. Take the humps, Mrs Woog. It means he still thinks you’re sexy 😉

  • Donna

    Yep. He breaths, haha, no I do love him. I find since the kids have all left home and it is just the 2 of us sitting having dinner its kind of like, that’s it honey, chew louder for godsake. He used to leave dirty clothes on top of the dirty clothes basket so I removed the lid. He now puts them on the floor beside the basket. Mind you I have been with him since I was 14 and he was 15 that’s 42 years. I have given up. Life is short but I would be lost without him. Apart from our 3 kids he is the love of my life.

  • kitekatze

    It is not just him, my man does it constantly. I wonder though if Dry humping might be like dogs in that there is innate domination. Are we suppose to feel flattered?

  • Deb

    Lol! The first time I read this, I laughed and read it again to my husband. To this day he calls it a ‘mr woog’, and tells me something will be wrong when he no longer wants to dry hump me while I stack the dishwasher 😉

  • happychappy

    I laughed at loud. My husband is nothing like yours. In fact I think they are polar opposites. He has never humped me (except during actual intercourse), he loves to stack the dishwasher, I have to remind him on day 3 that maybe he should shower, he also doesn’t masturbate (i know so weird), he never gives parental advice and he knows trying to do a budget is a joke….Me on the other hand, I’m like your hubby, I hump my husband when he bends, I shower twice daily (no fiddling i promise) I always give him parental advice and love a budget chat..bahahah. Oh dear lord, I’m a man.

  • Dry humped when changing the baby…… he had just had a shower and his clothes are in the bubs room (no storage house). I was like “really”.