What me and Einstein have in common. [Apart from being from the same species]

I have a lot of time to sit and pontificate as I wait at bus stops, wait in line at Coles, wait in waiting rooms at the doctors and look out the window at the rain. And all the time my brain goes into overdrive as I come up with theories about things.

Let me share a few with you.

  • If you are planning a child’s birthday party and you plan a wet weather plan,  you will have to use the wet weather plan.
  • If you give yourself plenty of time to get to the airport there will be a major traffic accident which will hold you up.
  • If you are running late for the airport and rush screaming like a banshee to the front of the line crying,  you plane will have been delayed by an hour. And you will look like a dick.
  • If you order your groceries online and ask for a kilo of chicken breast,  you will get a kilo of that gross processed sliced chicken luncheon meat.
  • If you wear white pants you will forget tampons.
  • You will die if you put your breakfast plate in the dishwasher every morning.
  • The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain,  except it doesn’t. It stays mainly over my suburb.
  • You are damned if you do and you are damned if you don’t. Particularly if you don’t.
  • If you are excited about a night out,  it will be a stinker but if you do not plan these things in advance, you will have a great night out.
  • Leave when you are having a good time. Never change venues.
  • When someone tells you that getting an IUD put in does not hurt, slap then swiftly across the face for lying to you.
  • Never assume anything.
  • The traditional gift for lending an elderly Chinese lady your umbrella is a packed of no-frills trail mix.
  • When your husband tells you he is going to Japan for a week, slap him swiftly across the face for lying to you before you point out that in fact he is going for 13 days, which is 2 weeks.
  • Go with your gut instinct.  Even if it is bloated from eating too much trail mix.
  • Your bag WILL be the last out onto the carousel, if it comes out at all.
  • When your new GP turns out to be a school dad from your kid’s class and you have arrived for your yearly lady bits tune up,  it is totally OK to cancel the appointment. He will not be offended.
  • There is no preferred time to buy school shoes in January. Anytime is going to be horrendous.
  • Ladies who fit school shoes are a humourless species.
  • And finally,  having watched some mates marriages fall by the way lately, women leave a marriage because they are unhappy. Men leave a marriage because they have met someone else.
Do you disagree with any of my theories?
Do you have one you could add?