moody cow

Oh yesterday. What a wonderful mind fuck you were.

I woke with a serious case of the sads. I felt all miserable and disconnected. I wrote a nasty post about my beloved once I had dropped the kids off at school. I looked around at the house and it was a complete disaster. Overwhelmingly so.

Non-moody non-sad me would have pulled up her sleeves, cranked up the music ( a little Amy Winehouse revival going on here at the moment) and got stuck into it. But by this stage the sads had well and truly unpacked and were settled in nicely.

I mean what is the point. No one will thank me and they will just go about their business trashing the joint again.

With the walls closing in around me and the breakfast plates giving me the middle finger, I grabbed my bag and headed out the door to share my miserableness with the world.

Walking along the street with the sun in my face, I felt no different. I had walked a few blocks and was standing at the lights, waiting for them to change when a tradies van went passed. The driver yelled something out at me. I did not quite catch it, but I did get the feeling that he had something to say about my breasts, which were tucked away under a card/scarf combo minding their own business.

I could not make out whether he was being critical or complimentary, so I went with complimentary before I became totally offended. I mean WHO DOES THIS STILL?

Fuck wits do.

My walk continued for another 20 minutes and it’s path took me to a shopping centre. Oh retail therapy! That might pull me out of my sads. But the shops were full of office folk on their lunch break and nothing from the racks were talking to me. I came across one of those shops that offer you a range of goods to make your home office all cute and inspiring and crap.

WELL DER! Of course was what I needed. My bloody scissors did not match my stapler. Of course I am fucking miserable!

Around the cutesy shop I went,  adding things to my basket to makeover my space. I convinced myself that in order to have a proper TO DO list I needed a dedicated pad that said TO DO at the top. As I lined up with the other chicks who had been brainwashed as well, I looked into my basket and realised that everything I had chosen I already had at home. Just less cute versions.

“Can I help you?” Said the sales lady.

I looked into her eyes and told her “No, I really don’t think you can.” and handed back the basket of stationary.

Out into the sunshine and on with my walk. I was heading towards the harbour. It really was a most stunning Sydney day. Everyone around me was smiling, going about their day, unaware of the moody storm cloud amongst them who was searching for a solution to her sads.

I came across a cafe and bought a coffee and a bagel before making my way to the harbours edge and plonking down on seagull shit covered bench. I ate that bagel and drank that coffee and pondered “What would happen if I just threw myself in…” just for a moment. Would someone dive in after me or would I just be so cold that I would haul my ass out and then I would just be embarrassed and wet and feel like a drama queen.

Then something shifted.

I laughed at the thought of explaining to the authorities that I was just having a really bad day and I did not really need a psychiatric assessment. I could feel those nasty ass – sads packing up and moving on to the next poor soul. And then I realised.

I just needed some carbs.

I caught a taxi home.

What do you do when the blues visit you?