Digital Detox Day a fucking zillion

Just in case you were interested, this was the first post I ever wrote. It was back in 2008. I wrote six posts in 2 years before I pulled my finger out and got busy.

Interesting thing happened to me this week. I found myself on tv. Not in the emotional sense (am yet to do that) but there i was on morning television as part of a discussion panel.

One of my best friends is a glamorous television type and over several cocktails a few weeks ago, I pointed out to her that her job impinges on our friendship quite often and i have never asked her for anything but I was asking her now. Get me tickets to the premiere of Sex and The City. (four if she could and if she was lucky….i may or may not ask her along)

She texted later that she had managed to get her hands on 4 tickets so our gang of friends were elated! We LOVED the thought of being the first ones to see this film. Of course possible outfits were discussed, dissected and dismissed. The 3 of us non-glamorous, non-tv types had a very limited pool from which to draw from.

I thoughtfully looked past the row of grey, navy and black suits from my old life and selected a green top which i bought to wear to my mum’s 60th birthday party. Having watched the segment of me swanning (stomping) down the pink carpet, it is safe to say i should have lent it to her for her own party – as i did actually look 60 in it.

It was decided that we would be interviewed at the end of the red carpet for a short “grab” (see i now speak the lingo) This was only told to us on the day of the event – but as our presenter friend had gone to all the effort of getting the tickets, it was the least we could do.

Cut to cab ride to the Premiere – I am thinking that when you are on TV, you need a lot of makeup on. A lot. So I kept piling it on until my face was no longer unable to move. So now i looked like a transvestite 60 year old – rather than just a regular 60 year old.

All went ok – of course I was nervous but we got the interview done quickly and did what we went there to do – which was of course go to the movies along with other Sydney “glitterati” which is code for washed up reality stars, soap stars and models.

Afterwards, fresh perky production-type 12 year old the gave us the script for our segment in the morning.

Excuse me?????

I was up at the crack of dawn dropping kids at daycare and again looking despairingly into my hideous collection of sale items that i call my wardrobe. Jesus. Xanax. Coffee. 100 calls to my pals. Rolled eyes from my husband. Pinching myself this was all a bad dream. Live morning television on a show with infomercials. (Hello Moira).

My outfit choice was just as bad – makeup and hair girl did her best. I did explain to her my acne breakout was due to an IUD (we both knew I was lying).

On reflection and looking at the finished segment – it was not so bad. We mainly spent the 6 minutes talking over the top of each other and the hosts. Lots of laughing, lipstick and hair-tossing. I do not think i will be getting a regular “gig” on tv somehow, BUT in case i am ever asked back there are a few things i now know……….
  1. Professional makeup and hair artists are worth their weight in gold

  2. TV lights are solely responsible for the growth of the Botox industry – they showed up wrinkles that had not even surfaced yet.

  3. People say the camera adds 10 kilos. Do not listen to this as this is a total lie!

  4. The camera adds 35 kilos.

  5. All clothes will look shit unless you weigh 12 kilos.

  6. Do not smile like a crazy bag lady for the entire time – it makes you look insane and exasperates facial flaws.

  7. DO let other people finish a sentence before you begin.

  8. Never interrupt the host. Twice.

  9. Do not assume that NO ONE WATCHES MORNING TELEVISION. 45 friends and family called to let me know¬†“We just saw you on telly – why didn’t you tell us?”

  10. Do have a new found awe for people that actually do that everyday (I think that is why they are all so skinny – very fast paced and nerve-wracking)

  11. Do be patient and wait until the film comes out on DVD before asking for any more “favours”.