Bo-tox or not Bo-tox.

In America, plastic surgery is as common as Starbucks. You can see the evidence as you get around. I was in lift last week at Bloomingdale’s, when the doors opened and a very slight lass alighted. She had the most enormous set of breasts I have ever seen, encased in a tight, white singlet top. It was quite confronting. Nothing subtle about it. It was like she should have been wearing a sign on her head, HEY YOU! I HAVE HAD A BOOB JOB. STARE AWAY…..

But it was not the fake boobs that worried me as much as the fake faces. And the ladies who had spent far too much time in surgery had all started to look very similar. A bit like Joan Rivers here. (PS I love you Joan Rivers….)

This frozen face is a very popular look in the US. It reminds me of the line in Absolutely Fabulous when the doctor points at Edina and proclaims “Oh it’ll be a doddle. Grab her by the scalp, shake her up and down a bit and cut off the slack!”

And that line rang in my ears everywhere I went.

But hang on, where does it all start?

You may recall such accidents as the time I knocked myself out on the front verandah, resulting in a black eye. After the bruising subsided, I was left with an invisible hematoma which pushed out all the wrinkles in the right hand side of my face.

Instant half face botox my friends!

But there are less dramatic and more expensive ways to achieve the same look, with the added benefit of having it done so your face is symmetrical.

A few years ago, a friend and I decided we should get some botox. I wanted to get rid of the two lines that carried on upwards from the top of my nose and well into my forehead. My friend wanted similar. Until we got to the Cosmetician Doctor of Plastic Perfection, and then she changed her mind.

But I was brave and lay there as the Dr INJECTED MY FACE SO I COUD PAY HIM MONEY.

A week went by and my forehead was frozen. Mr Woog hit the roof when he found out and I was not able to argue back with my full facial expressional arsenal.

“Don’t look so surprised that I think that that was a terrible idea!” he should say…….

Ummm…

Eventually my face returned to normal. And my debates were once again delivered with full passion.

I know that there are many of you out there that are dabbling in Botox with much more success and elegance that me. My hairdresser, who is in her 20’s has “preventable” botox which makes me weep. I am not anti-botox, or pro-botox. Do what ever floats your boat. It is your face, and you have to wear it.

BUT

I also discovered a program called Picmonkey that will allow you to make the cosmetic changes that you always wondered about, virtually, and painlessly.

So I am here to share with you…. me.

(After being shaken by the scalp and having the slack cut off. Oh and also after I have drunk a bucket of bleach, just for good measure…)