Lollypop Militia

I can, hand on my heart, declare that I am not an asshole. But I sure did spend some time walking around with my head up my own sphincter yesterday.

I had an attack of the vagues all day and this was pointed out to me quite early on in the morning.

I had taken the Woogette’s to school, kissed each of their little faces goodbye and walked out of the gates. My mind was completely elsewhere when I absentmindedly crossed the school crossing. I was waving to the car car that stopped for me when, all of a sudden, there was the most alarming screech….

but with added cranky face

I stopped in my tracks in the middle of the crossing, as the cars banked up on either side of the crossing. I looked up to see an extraordinarily pissed off Lollypop lady, with visible steam coming out of her ears.

I took stock of the situation and quickly realised that I had done the unthinkable. I had attempted to cross the road without permission.

Now, going back to the fact that I am not an asshole, I do realise that this lollypop lady does a formidable job of keeping everyone safe. It is an important job, there is no doubt about it. Not questioning that for a moment.

And even though I am not a devil may care asshole, I will admit that my mind was in Disneyland, and not on the task at hand, which was to obey her rules.

“Oh my god. I am so sorry….” I stuttered.

“No, you’re not!” she retorted and threw her stop sign down onto the ground, onto the road…

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

There was a large crowd of obedient parents rallied around the back of her, all patiently waiting for the whistle to signal them to move across the road. Like cows in a grate.

I really wanted to just die, then and there.

I didn’t know whether I should go back, where there was now another crowd of parents waiting, or to bravely step forward.

So I did what any moron would do.

I stood, cemented to the spot, as cars crossed in front of me and behind me, hoping for heavens that one of those sink holes that I have read about in the papers would appear under my feet.

Not a huge sinkhole, perhaps just a 2 metre version.

It was at this point that I had a flashback to that great game of the 80’s, you know the one right?


Eventually, I think she thought I had been humiliated in front of most of the school population enough and marched towards me, blowing her whistle as she went. He eyes pierced mine until I was forced to look away.

As I feebly made my way through the crowd coming the other way, I caught a few glimpses of sympathy, and I took this as a sign that others had fallen foul of the Lollypop Lady’s militant behaviour.


That, and to keep my head out of my ass and my eyes firmly on the road.


Ever been publicly humiliated?