Calm & Relaxed


About 2 weeks ago, I went through an anxious patch. Fucking anxious patches are so annoying, am I right?

Anyway, I was not living above the line, I was dipping below and so I turned, as I do, to technology to give me the answer. I researched APs and came up with one that looked ok.

It is a self meditation by a thick accented fella, who at first I thought was Indian. I quite fancied myself with an exotic spiritual guru, coming at me via my phone, but further research led me to discover that in fact he was Scottish. I think…

I downloaded that baby and have been, get this, getting hypnotised by my phone every day ever since!

At first, I was afraid. I was petrified, just thinking what is this mumbo, argy bargy crap? Who was this strange man telling me that it was alright to say no, and change my mind with no explanation…

Together we go to gardens and “plok sweeet oranges” and the like, from “beeyootiful gardens.” And when I am in my most relaxed state, he give me a kick up the ass in quite a firm voice.

I still was not feeling the affects, but did it daily and then yesterday, it hit me like curried haggis.

I was walking with the Mr. Woog and the kids along the beach. The boys were being atrocious and normally, I would feel the tension rise up my back, through my head, where a small explosion would take place before the word vomit would spew forth.

As the tension started travelling up to my noggin, in popped my friend and the words CALM & RELAXED, CALM & RELAXED, CALM & RELAXED came out. In a calming Scottish Accent.

And you would not believe it?

I WAS CALM AND RELAXED MY FRIEND!

And I continue to be CALM & RELAXED! What the fuck is up with that? And I say that with a smile on my dial….

Now I do it each night, lying down being hypnotised by some strange man from a faraway land via my phone.

All for 99c. Perhaps the biggest bargain on the planet.

Have you ever been hypnotised?
Got a good ap to share?

calm and relaxed