How to Travel.

There are so many good websites which contain fantastic tips and tricks on how to manage your trip. So here is a very average website’s take on the situation.

Let us begin.

  • Marry some anal fella that fills out all the forms and just hands them to you at appropriate times, and then collects them from you once they have been processed. Because if you are like me, you will not possess a writing implement or know what the date is. Therefore you don’t need to bug the person next to you with the questions “Can I borrow your pen” and “What is today’s date?”
  • Be prepared for all kids 2 and under to holler like banshees as the plane descends. Their little ears are not happy. Do not give the parents dirty looks. It is neither helpful or appropriate. Trust me, they are more frustrated than you as they have just had a wriggly baby on their lap for 9 hours.
  • Do not eat the bacon and eggs that have been sitting in a silver container for 7 hours. They are stewed.
  • Do not spend your final day on holidays sizzling in the sun, getting your hair braided and updating your tattoo sleeve and then complain loudly about how fucked you are feeling while sitting in a very confined space next to a screaming child at midnight.
  • The optimum sleeping drug/alcohol cocktail to knock yourself out is half a Restalin and one of those small bottles of cat piss that airlines pass for wine. If you are travelling without children, you might like to up that 2 little bottles of cat piss.
  • If presented with a steaming plate of unrecognisable cuisine, decline. An airplane bathroom is no place to linger longer. And for god’s sake, always wear shoes when you use the latrine. *shudders*
  • Layering is your friend when it comes to travel comfort. May I suggest a fancy soft pant, known as a PONTE pant, with a cami, a t-shirt, a cardi and a scarf. You can dress this ensemble up with a pair of hoops and an eye mask. Oh and some fetching orange ear plugs. You will look AHMARZING!
  • Don’s expect to share lovely family time after a 9 hour overnight flight, getting through customs, baggage collection and then quarantine. Silence is GOLDEN here and resist asking your beloved “You look super pissed off…..” because he is pissed off because you spent 45 minutes doing price checks on Duty Free Gin. Gin that you tell him will not be shared because of that stinging look you received.
  • Gaffa tape. Just bring some just in case. It is good for sticky taping your luggage bad together or sealing a child’s mouth up for asking too many questions.
And finally, this last point goes out to the young lass and her friend on our flight to Phuket last week.

Don’t turn 21 and save up heaps of money to go on holiday to Thailand, get to the airport and smash back cans of pre-mixed drinks. Don’t get onto the plane and have 4 more. Don’t abuse all of the staff and fellow travellers around you. Don’t stand up when you are feeling poorly and projectile vomit all over the passengers seated near you. 

Don’t pass out in your own filth.

Because if you do, and this I know for fact, when the plane lands you will be escorted from the aircraft, doing the stumble of shame down the isle with a Thai Policeman holding you up.

From there, you will be refused entry into the country, stay in a holding cell until you sober up before being popped back onto another plane home. Where you might have some explaining to do.

In other words, don’t be a dick.

What about you?
Do you have any tips to share?
Ever sat next to a nightmare passenger?