Desperately Seeking Endorphins.

The last time I did any formal exercise, this happened.

Go on, read it. I will wait.

I have always been a little envious of those folk who become addicted to exercise. And I lament the fact that I can so easily become addicted to things that are not helpful for either my mind or body.

But occasionally I have an epiphany about my health. Like the time, a few years ago, I bought those new trainers. In my mind, I was exercising, simply by purchasing them.

Or like when I am at a cafe and choose to eat a salad for lunch instead of a steak sandwich and chips.

In my mind, that is a diet. And I feel very virtuous and wholesome.

“I’ll just have a salad. And a water….”

Oh, but who the fuck am I kidding!

Yesterday, I did formal, proper exercise. With a person who made me accountable.

Because I am sick of lying to the doctor when they ask me about my exercise habits.

“Oh I do the lot,” I say “My body is a temple…..”

And the doctor sizes up my temple and writes something on his notes, which I suspect is just the words COMPULSIVE LIAR.

Did I enjoy the training session? No.
Can I feel my legs today? No.
Am I going to do it each week? …….Well yes because the trainer is a friend of mine and I agreed with her that if I gave her some lame excuse then she had my permission to come and drag me out of bed.

I was at the shops last week and watched two teenaged girls interacting. One was eating a bag of Twisties (which immediately made me want to eat a bag of Twisties.) She offered her friend some and her friend refused, telling her that she was on a diet.

These girls were about fifteen, both gorgeous and I was horrified.

But still kind of wanted Twisties.

It reminded me of the time when I was a teenager myself. One of my three sisters (who shall remain anonymous) was admitted to hospital with a very mysterious ailment.

I remember being very worried. When we visited her, we all had to wear face masks incase she had some sort of deadly plague. The doctors could not find the cause of her unpleasant symptoms and after a few days, the truth came out in the wash.

She had been popping Ford Pills like Tic Tacs.

She too, was beautiful so it made no sense to me. Of course she went on to make a full recovery, but I often wonder whether she still gets the urge when she passes the laxatives section in the Chemists.

At the age of 40, I have come to peace with the fact that I will never be thin. And I should not really be surprised. I have not been kind to my temple, but my temple continues to be kind to me. So the best thing I can do for it is to accept the way I am today.

And spend 45 minutes every Monday morning punishing myself in the hope that I discover those bloody endorphins that everyone keeps banging on about.

What is your relationship with your body like?
Are you fighting? No speakies? 
Or are you all loved up like a bag of marshmallows….