The Outstanding Ham and how my husband tried to kill me.

It was raining when we woke up for Christmas Morning. The kids were happy enough with their gifts and then the small one had the most impressive festive meltdown, we we both went back to sleep for two hours. A refresh, if you will.

We gathered up all we needed to head off to Mum’s for Chrissy Event number 22738. But this is the one that you really need to go to because of….

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As always, the standout was the ham. She glazes it generously with stout and brown sugar. When it was ready, she made the mistake of letting it rest next to a carving knife. I knew I should not have done it, but this gal has no self control.

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The rumour swept through the house that the ham had been cracked and there was a swarm, before Mum told us all to piss off, but in a more classy way.

I am a member of a big family, but we still managed to add someone to our dinner. Bill.

Bill lived in the grandstand in a park opposite Mrs Ryan’s house. He lived there for 3 years, and Mrs Ryan used to send over his dinner each evening. She kind of adopted him, and it because of her and a few other very strong women in the area, they managed to get him off the bottom of the public housing list. He recently moved into a neat one bedroom unit. He gave me the tour. He was so proud of it.

I told him that he was looking amazing compared to the last time we caught up. You would not have known he was the same person. We were thrilled that he chose to spend the days with us. This is Bill on the left.

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When we were scrambling to get our shit together to get out to Mum’s, I went out to the garage to grab a few bottles of my beloved Villa Maria. Before dinner, I cracked that mofo and poured a large glass of the cold, thick, black sludgy wine.

Turns out that my beloved uses the empty bottles to store his oil when he changes in on the motorbike. He then disposes it in the correct way.

It was a close call, and I questioned him whether he actually wanted me dead.

How was Christmas for you this year?

Anything interesting happen? Eat anything outstanding?