Seaside Observations

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Like many other Australian Families, we are currently enjoying the traditional beach holiday. The rhythm of the day includes long periods of beach loafing, where I like to make observations, some of which I shall share with you today.

Beach Prep

Beach Prep involves a lot of whinging, location of missing things, sunscreen application, bladder evacuations and minor meltdowns. Beach bag is loaded up with extra sunscreen and reading materials. And then it is a quick walk to the sand, during which time someone will fall over and skin their knee.

Placement of Towels

A large beach with not that many people on it, but for some reason the really large extended family chooses to basically include you in their day by setting up a massive tent, their esky, their beach chairs and their elderly relative in your lap. I do believe the accepted distance is to leave a 3 metre radius around the next person, unless they are having a really good bitch about someone you don’t know.

Sand Management

You place your towel carefully out, making sure that there is no sand on it. This will see you fit for about 4 seconds before some random kid that does not belong to you runs past and showers you with sand on your face. Then you give in.

I’m Hungry

I’m Hungry comes out about ten minutes into your beach day. It is a very good excuse to carry random food items gifted to you in hampers from clients before Christmas, of which you would have no idea where else to consume them. And like a flock of seagulls, as soon as one of the kids in your party is seen eating something, all the others will appear from near and far to swarm on you like a bee frenzy.

How to deal with ball games.

I have a magnet on my head that attracts flying balls. They way to deal with ball games being played too close to you depends on the players. If they are with your group, tell them to bugger off in a menacing fashion. If they ball kickers are strangers, you use wait to be falconed in the head before dropping dramatically to the ground. It is only then that the mother of the group of ball players will realise how close they are to you and will shoo them away.

Explaining Beach Attire.

Explaining Beach Attire can be awkward for all. Just yesterday we were greeted by a rotund, brown, shining bottom, whose cheeks were sliced in two  by the thinnest whisper of a red g-string.  The man who owned this particular derrière would never have known about the 17 questions I have to field from 4 young people.

Are you beach holidaying this year?

Did I miss anything on this list?