School reports come out on Monday and I have one kid saying “Bring it on….” and the other one?

“Oh Mum. I don’t think you are going to be happy….”

I assure him that I will be ok as long as he has tried his best.


But the truth is that I can not get angry because of a bad report, as I am the QUEEN of the bad report, as well as despicable behaviour during my educational years.

My parents chose to send me away to school, to a fancy private institution that had a very strong emphasis on academic excellence. I quickly stuck out as somewhat dim when it came to the books and learnament in general, although I always shone when it came to creative writing.

I recall my Year 12 Divinity final assessment, which I found the other day. We were to review a theological text, and so I chose to review My Little Golden Book about God, by Jane Werner. I totally tool the piss throughout the two page essay, but strike me dead if I didn’t get the top mark for it!

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And when I wasn’t taking the piss out of what really was, a very special opportunity to learn good and stuff, I spent my time on suspension or in detention.

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The only reason I was able to limp across the finishing line that was year 12 was because all on my sisters were shining examples of what a good private school girls should be, excelling in all areas of what was expected. Plus my oldies were generous when it came to donations. They had to be. Their bribes were keeping me at school!

So to my darling son, may I just say I totally understand. Just keep your head down and your nose clean. You don’t have to have the smarts to be a happy and successful person. Rat cunning goes a long way.

What were you like at school?

Did you ever wag and go to a mates place and sit in their pool all day and drink their dad’s beers while they were at work? Or where you a shining beacon of brilliance…