The First Knight.

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Hear ye! Hear ye! Sit yourself down for a short history lesson about Knighthoods. Sign on the sheet coming around and turn your goddam phones off.

And let us begin.

Contrary to popular belief, the First Knight was not Richard Gere.

The term was believed to be coined around 1100 and was known as “military follower of a king or other superior”. They were essentially skilled horsemen, who were partial to chopping off the heads of those who displeased the king.

Knighthoods and Damehoods (?) are appointments made under the British Imperial Honours system. Just think of it as a really fancy Star Chart stuck up on the fridge at Buckingham Palace. You do good? GOLD STAR! After you get enough, someone swipes around your head with a big sword, and then you can swan around town, sticking your finger up at everyone, squealing “SUCK ON THIS LOSERS!!!!”

Mal Fraser and the Queen got together over a shandy in 1975, and thought we, as Australians, could do with a bit more civility, and so introduced the Star Chart to Australia. They threw them at politicians mainly, and a few other people who sucked up extraordinarily hard. “For services to the Crown.” and other vague stuff like that.

Then in marched Bob Hawke, high off the thrill of the American Cup Victory. He took one look at the antiquated, sucking up, swanning around chosen ones,  sticking their fingers up at the rest of us rabble of heathens, skulled a schooner and said “Fuck this Liz!” before promptly pulling the pin on the whole deal in 1986.

28 years later, Prime Minister Tony Abbott sat up in bad one morning and lamented his falling popularity. He decided that he should re-introduce the Star Chart back into Australia, to reward those who pleased him. This, despite the fact that just months earlier, he denied rumours that he might  to revisit the system. The Old Boy Club at St. Johns College were BESIDE themselves! Imagine the squealing and the sucking up to come!

Anyway, I will forgive you for being confused. I will forgive you for being angry that we seem to be slipping back into the Medieval times. There is nothing we can do, what’s done is done. But I thought I could at least educate you in where you fit into Tony Abbotts’s new Australia.

For it turns out, that we are not young and free after all.

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And now I am off to shut my trap, and iron Mr Woog’s King-Gees.