The Pride of Erin

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Huffy Puffy was particularly gruelling yesterday. There were squats akimbo and kettle bell action. Horrendous stuff. Mrs Sparks got us to do some sort of foot pulsing bullshit and out of my mouth sprung the words…

Heel and toe, heel and toe… slide slide slide slide

Heel and toe, heel and toe slide slide slide…

Right hand clap, left hand clap, both hands clap

Tap your knees, and SWING!!!!

Which was all very extraordinary, as I cannot remember what I had for dinner last night, but I can recall clearly all the words and action from the Heel and Toe Polka from 30 years ago.

Ah, dancing lessons at school. Do you know that they were actually part of the curriculum back then? The Heel and Toe Polka, The Pride of Erin… depending on your vintage, you may have learnt any of the following.

Australian Ladies | Bullockies Ball | Chain Double Quadrille | CHOGM Pentrille | Colonials Quadrille | Country Bumpkin | Evening Three Step | Flying Pieman | Frangipani Waltz | Gypsy Tap | Highland Reel | Ideal Schottische | Jubilee Jig | Kings Waltz | Marching Through Georgia | Maxina | Merry Widow Waltz | New Parliament House Jig | Numeralla Jig  | Prince of Wales Schottische | Soldiers Joy | St Bernard’s Waltz | Swing Waltz | Veleta | Waltz Cotillion | Waterfall Waltz.

Our dancing lesson was, if memory serves me correct and it seems to favour days of yore, was on a Thursday Afternoon. We all went into the hall, boys on one side, girls on the other. The teacher would then ask the boys to choose a partner. CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A GIRL WITH COKE BOTTLE GLASSES AND TEETH THAT PROTRUDE FROM A 90 DEGREE ANGLE FROM HER MOUTH?

All the boys rush to the pretty girls and I end up dancing with the strange girl who does not talk to anyone, just picks at her scabs and eats them. Thankfully, the Pride of Erin is a progressive dance, and I get to have physical contact with the male species. Which is all very well and good until you end up dancing with the cool, cute boy who refuses to touch you. Just pretends to, because someone spread a rumour that you have warts.

Oh the politics of progressional dance! You then move onto Stanley, you YOU refuse to touch because back in kindergarten, he shat his pants and sat in it all day. Like nobody else ever did that…. *shifty look sideways*

Then at the end of all the formal dancing, the teachers let you go apeshit by blaring NUTBUSH CITY LIMITS, which is where your creative juices can really fly, but not really, as you have to do the correct moves or you had to go and sit on the stage, alone, like a renegade disco diva who had lost her way.

Maybe that is what is wrong with our country, we stopped teaching and learning old fashioned dancing. Is that why we are in the state that we are in? We have lost the time-honoured tradition and humiliation of being publicly shunned by members of the opposite sex. And I for one say SHAME ON YOU DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, OH FOR SHAME….

What dances did you learn at Primary School?

Should be bring back the Polka?

Were you flocked to, or did you end up dancing with a pretend partner….