5 Things to do at The Royal Easter Show.

It is that time of the year, when the country folk roll into town and show us city slickers a thing or two about living. I adore the show, and go every year apart from last year when I forgot it was on. But if you are around, have a spare day these holidays and are as wealthy as Gina, it is something you should consider doing,

Before you start, there are a few things you need to do to prep for the day. One, rob a bank if you do not have access to funds. Two, leave your parenting judgement robes at home. More on this later.

And three. Elastic waisted pants. Not trackies, for god sake you are lady, but maybe some of those pants you can find at Miller’s Fashion Club that have panels of elastic on the sides, that allows them to grow with you, as the day goes on.

So without further ado, here is my checklist of must-sees at the show.

CAKES

The cake section is huge, and hotly contested. There were dozens of dark fruit cakes, and then around the corner, dozens of light fruit cakes. There were rock cakes, scones, tarts and the big Kahuna of the All. The Grand Prize. The Holy Grail of Baking.

The Sponge Cake. We were not able to get near it, because it was being fan girl-ed, but congrats to all involved.

Especially you, Yoda.

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DOGS

We toured the kennels on a day that was featuring the sporting dogs. There were also a lot of German Shepherds. What struck me was the German Shepherd breeders were all on the piss! No word of a lie. They were drinking wine, eating cheese and I even spied a prawn or two. It helped me make up my mind that if I were to get involved in the Dog Show Circuit, the decision about which breed I would have would already be made.

We watched the judging of the Hungarian Puli. Not an Eastern European divide made up of wheels and metal, but a type of dog. Like little black, yappy mops.

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One of the Hungarian Puli’s was misbehaving so much, that we were all quite horrified. Eventually, like an insolent child, the owner took the dog out the back to have a stern talking to. I get this, as I had done it a few minutes earlier to one of my kids through gritted teeth….

“IF YOU DO NOT STOP YOUR WHINGING WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT HOME ON THE TRAIN YOU HEAR ME?” of which I had no intention of doing, because we had not hit the food yet.

FOOD

Why does the show do the best hot chips, you ask? Because they are fucking $7 for a cup! Doesn’t matter, I would pay double. Hot, salty chips with sauce. Thank you. When it comes to food at the show, all bets are off. I insist that everyone eats something stupid.

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It was getting near lunch and I was starving and spoilt for choice. Turkey Leg? (gag) Cheese on a Stick? (gag) BBQ Ribs? Hotdogs? Sushi? Dumplings? All matter of other crap on a stick? Sometimes when faced with too many options, I can get a little antsy.

But the girl giving Jack a religious, rainbow inspired, tramp stamp, airbrushed tattoo told me to go to this particular kebab place. So I did.

And it was SHIT. But by the time I discovered this, we were settled in to watch the woodchopping. Those woodchoppers are something, aren’t they? Strangely sexy, in a burly, choppy way. So I ate a bit, got full, came out and saw a food truck selling pulled pork sandwiches, which is what I really wanted. RIPPED OFF.

PEOPLE WATCHING

No better place than the show. Maybe the airport? You get your gorgeous country folk in their finest, large harassed families, groups of teenaged girls wearing denim underpants and not much else and loads of ernest Volunteers. I observed one lady shove her toddler daughter at her husband, screeching “YOU TAKE HER, SHE IS BEING A BITCH” before disappearing into the Carlton Draught Bar, where not doubt there were other mothers having a beer.

The show is not for the weak, or weary.

The line was snaking out the door for the CWA Scones and Tea event. It looked amazing, but lines and I never have gotten along.

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And a big shout out to reader Mez, who came up and said hi while I was trying to find the strawberry/chocolate waffle on a stick stand. We gass-bagged like old mates. She gave me the hot tip about a budget priced looming kit for $6 in the Style Pavilion. DISCO! I love blogging.

DISTRICT DISPLAY

Adjacent to the Fresh Food area, where Pete Evans seems to be endorsing absolutely everything, is the District Display. You must visit this exhibition and chat to the farmers, sample some produce and marvel in the fact that these men and women, despite so many obstacles, continue to grow us food.

I mean, this is a pumpkin. A REAL PUMPKIN!

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So there you have my top 5 things to focus on, when and if you go to the show. And of course, you can still get the Bertie Beetle Showbag for $2. And that is no word of a lie.

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What is your first port of call when you visit your local show?