My Eulogy.

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Born at Tamworth Base Hospital in 1973 to the local SP Bookmakers, Mrs Woog grew up to be a fairly unremarkable child. She took comfort in animals, whizz fizz and The Wonderful World Of Disney which her and her siblings were allowed to watch each Sunday Night as a special treat.

During her school days, Mrs Woog was not particularly academic, but excelled in procrastination and smart ass remarks aimed at feckless teachers. On more that one occasion, she was hauled over the coals for her pertinence, which did nothing but to resolve her hatred of those who wielded the power. She left school and didn’t look back. The teachers sighed a breath of relief, and confirmed with each other that nothing much will come of such a troubled soul. She would prove them right by doing fuck all for 20 years.

Speaking of souls, she met her mate at 21, had a bit of a pash and decided there and then that her quest for love had ended. They married after a brief 9 year courtship and produced two sons, who were the apple of her eye.

Mrs Woog started writing on the internet in 2010 and quickly became addicted to a little known phenomenon known as Mummy Blogging. She ran the blog called WoogsWorld for nearly a decade before writing the controversial book “The World has Gone Bonkers and Will Read Just About Anything on the Internet.” after she had penned the controversial post “Why does my nipple have a hair growing from it?”. It went viral, and she got to go on The Today Show to talk about it with Karl Stefanovic.

This lead to a rapid decline in her readership and she was reduced to running infomercials about adult diapers on the site, before WoogsWorld died out of natural causes.

In her early 40’s she suffered a mild stroke which the doctors put down to stress as a result of constantly having to listen to a tennis ball being bounced against the garage door.

Once her children left home, she started a business designing and distributing high end merkins to a clientele who could not get enough of her colourful creations. Her customer had, for decades, waxed off all of their public hair, such was the fashion at the time. The Full Bush was back, and Mrs Woog was ready to fill the demand. She build a manufacturing plant near Lithgow and was given the keys to the city for their gratitude in reviving the township. She lost the key, although some swear they saw her throw it into the bush after the ceremony.

In 2027, she was awarded Australian of the Year for her services to Vagazzling. Later that year, she travelled to New York to address the United Nations of the dangers of personal deforestation. As a world recognised expert in the field, her paper was met with awe and wonder. She had a street called after her in a small county in Utah as thanks for sharing her knowledge.

As Mrs Woog grew older, she became more and more skeptical about the modern world and her place in it. She started up the ill-fated website “Get your Geriatric Mummy Blogger ON” which was shunned by the good people at Kidspot and Ford and all of the other blogging competitions that were around. Without getting any public validation, she realised that she could not reclaim her position as a blogger and focused on getting a series of podcasts together, which centred around reviewing dumpling houses from across the globe.

It was during one of these restaurant visits that she met her fate, choking on a prawn and spinach steamed morsel. She passed away in the arms of her beloved Mr Woog, who was stoked that this had happened as it meant that he didn’t have the pay the bill for that particular meal.

Mrs Woog leaved behind Mr Woog, her two children and her beloved cat Chuy the 23rd. Vale Mrs Woog.

What would your tombstone read?

Watch the TEDx Film “John was a good man” here. Well worth the watch people!