Sunday Special Guest – Anonymous

Todays guest writer has asked to remain anonymous. She does not want the authorities involved.

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I will preface this story by saying that I was a Prefect and House captain whilst at a top girls’ school. Since my schooling days I would like to think that I have matured into a 30 ‘something’ law abiding citizen who does the right thing the vast majority of the time. However, last Tuesday, my buttons were pushed to eleven.

I was at Target picking up a few new tops for my ever increasing girth….I am 37 weeks pregnant, but this one is a big ‘un and said baby is measuring plus 3 weeks. So I am shopping along with my gigantic belly and my most-of-the-time-well-behaved 2 yr 10 mth old daughter. I will call her Sally to protect her ‘innocence’.

We were patiently lined up in the one long queue heading to the registers, surrounded by rows and rows of chocolates and sweeties at thigh and waist level- perfect for consumers in a pram to peruse. So Sally, until this point of the shopping expedition, was content to sit in her pram as we waited to be called up to pay. I, however, was using all my internal mental powers to keep her little arms on her lap and not be tempted to snatch a chocolate bar or three.

I get called up to register 6 with 18 yr old Shane and his 6 piercings and hair flopped over half his face.

As I popped my maternity tops up onto the counter, I hear a kid immediately behind us in the queue say ‘I want a Chuppa Chup’…. I glanced around to see who the little Bugger was….I see a kid about 4 years old with his hand rammed down the bottom of the massive barrel groping the wrapped sugar sticks. Beside him are his two grandparents looking dazed and confused, not knowing what to do next. They were most likely under strict instructions by their daughter in law to not feed Tristan any sugar as he most likely has ADHD. They were looking panicked. They couldn’t refused him, but they didn’t want to disobey his mother. I hear my own cherub pipe up, as she launches herself out of her pram and speeds over to the sugar fest yelling ‘I want a Chuppa Chup too’.

Whilst Shane is grunting his greetings, I am spinning around to see how many Chuppa Chupa Sally had managed to grab. I figure today was not the day to start arguing about not paying 10c for a plastic bag that is so biodegradable that it is non existent by the time I have arrived home.

Between me yelling at Sally who is now 3 metres away at the Chuppa Chup barrel to put the Chuppa Chups down, and the desperate reasoning of the grandparents at the ADHD kid, I inform Shane that I am not paying for the Chuppa Chup as I don’t want it and that it has been cunningly merchandised as ‘bait’. However, he is more than welcome to take the Chuppa Chups off my daughter himself. Shane doesn’t give a toss.

This is where I could have started Armageddon in the check out aisle of Target in front of the Chuppa Chup barrel. However, I did a quick risk assessment and figured that the- likelihood of me going into a natural labour (absolutely NOT an option- I am an elective Caesar girl though and through) whilst I prise them off Sally (and Tristan whilst I was at it), was too high and it WAS NOT WORTH IT.

So I did what any other smart mother would do- I paid, grabbed my shopping bag, and upped the pace of my waddle, trying my best to out pace Sally whilst pretending that I didn’t know her. I started walking out towards the exit. However that good angel tapped me on the shoulder as I was just about to pass through the security things at the door, and what do I do?!! I make eye contact with the ‘security’/ brochure handing out lady on the door—wait for it— I DOB in my daughter!!!

I inform the Security lady that my daughter had knocked off a Chuppa Chup- but I wasn’t going to pay for it as 1. I didn’t want it; 2. didn’t want her to eat it, and 3. they shouldn’t have placed the display in such an intoxicating position for kids.

She was looking at me and then at Sally and then back to me, and said: ‘I don’t what to do?!?’ Then she started looking around for security reinforcements to apprehend my 2 yr old, who was doing her best to keep up with me. I said, as I continued to speed walk and pushing an empty pram- ‘Forget what I just told you. I am too honest.’….the irony of the situation. Then I said, ‘I am out of here!’

So I walked out of Target with my daughter trailing me- who had her first lesson in the five finger discount…..

Have your kids ever shoplifted?