You’ve got mail!

Yesterday I wrote a letter to my bosom. And today, I received this…

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Dear Mrs. Woog,

Thank you for your note which we got yesterday. We read it in the bath.

First up, we would both like to thank you for publicly acknowledging our purpose as soft furnishing. Sometimes we feel like we are taken for granted. To be referred to as ‘Balconies” was very insulting. Thank you for the retraction. We prefer the term fun bags. It is a lot more.. well, fun.

But there are a few things that we would like to highlight.

Why oh why do you insist on encasing us in hideous, beige bras. There is only ONE bra in your collection that actually fits us, but it is red and lacy and very, very itchy. We know when you washing pile has gotten out of control, because out comes that fucking bra.

Please get yourself off to a shop immediately and have us fondled by an old lady with facial hair who will actually put us into a bra that fits. AND WOULD IT KILL YOU TO BUY THE MATCHING UNDIES, EVEN ONCE? You think that no one cares, but we do!

As a protest, when you wear ill-fitting bras, we plan to create A LOT OF PAIN in your back and neck. Just so you know. You have been warned.

AND WHAT IS WITH THAT MAN? He is such a pervert. We do not enjoy being chased around the house when you decide to have a shower. Please, please start locking the bathroom door. He makes us feel like objects.

Lastly, and this is a delicate subject but one that we have wanted to bring up with you for a while.


What the fuck where you thinking? That was one of the most terrifying twenty minutes in the world. We still have nightmares about that consultation. And the cute Doctor with no sense of humour? Do not ever think of heading down that path again!

We are a part of you. And you are a part of us, being the very organ that keeps us a rocking along. And as we slowly slide down to make acquaintance with your belly button, please respect us, and all that we have done for you.

WE NEVER GAVE YOU MASTITIS! We could have, but we are nice like that.


Your Boobs.