quack quack
Every year, in the first week of Spring, I treat myself to my annual grease and oil change. (I am using the word treat probably in the wrong context here) I pop in and catch up with my GP and get a pap smear, a pelvic exam, and just for shits and giggles, my chesticals get a thorough seeing to.
So that day was yesterday. I presented myself to my GP to talk all things girly bits.
My GP is a lady, who we shall refer to as Dr Duckbill. Dr Duckbill is a very experienced GP who is as thorough as she is humourless. Which prove to be a problem as I turn into some sort of stand up comedian when faced with the speculum. I find humour covers and aids the control of my nerves. Dr Duckbill does not smile the entire encounter. Not when I start quacking when she produces the speculum. When she tells me that my cervix looks normal, I ask her to rate it out of a ten, which she ignores. She comments that I have dense breasts, and I tell her that they are actually quite smart.
She is a commentator.
“I am lubricating the speculum” – much appreciated!
“I am sliding in the speculum” – what, no dinner first?
“I am scraping your cells” – I am not speaking at this stage, but am singing.
“I am removing the speculum” – pass me a post coitus cigarette please.
The truth is that the whole shebang is over in under a minute and a half, and I get a wave of satisfaction and congratulate myself on doing myself a great favour.
I practically skip out of the surgery! I HAVE DONE IT! DONE FOR ANOTHER YEAR!
I popped over to the shops to grab some stuff for dinner. Tim the Butcher asks me “What have you been up to?”
So I tell him, I have had my annual pink bits slip. He beams at me.
“Good on you! It’s so important.” I am immediately smug.
Next up is the fruit shop, where I am asked the same question, and proudly deliver the same answer. The reaction is not as enthusiastic. But the service is speeded up a bit.
Ladies, we all need to do this.
Some people go YEARS without having a pap smear and I know that some of you out there, because I checked the stats, HAVE NEVER HAD ONE. I am not shaming you, but I am pleading with you. PLEASE!!
Here are a few tips for those who get nervous about it. NEVER FEAR THE SMEAR!
- Make the appointment as soon as you have finished reading this blog post.
- Get the earliest appointment that you can, preferably the first one. Swallow the frog and all that jazz.
- Be a lady and attend to your personal hygiene. Shave your pits. It will just make you feel better and is a courtesy to your GP.
- Ask questions throughout. If you want.
- I always swear by singing during the smear and exam. It helps me take my mind off things. Footloose is a great choice.
When you are done, go to the nearest group of shops and tell everyone where you have been.- When you are done, go and do something that you love. A treat! A mani, or a facial, or a coffee and cake at your favourite cafe.
Because you, my friend, have just done yourself the best favour that you can… well… give!
