How I tried to seduce Adam Garcia.

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Last night I was watching Dancing with the Stars, which I never do but the remote is currently missing in action and Jack was obsessed. I didn’t know many of the stars, apart from Mark Holden who is really quite the goose.

However, I was interested to see Adam Garcia on the judging panel. For those who don’t know, Adam Garcia is a super-dooper dancer and an actor, starring in such films as Coyote Ugly, a movie about girls who dance on bars. He was also the object of my affection, back in 1988. But he never got the chance to know….

I was in year 9 (I think) riding the perfect storm of teenaged hormones, crushes and questionable attire. It was, and I am told still is, the most horrendous year of your life.

So word got around that the KNOX musical auditions were going to take place.

From their website…“The musical is a highly regarded activity at Knox offering social, musical, dramatic and movement experience welded by a great team spirit.” which is what THEY wished…

OK, so KNOX is this private fancy boys school and each year they threw this massive musical, which all the girls from the nearby school auditioned for to try to get a bit of under the shirt action going, because the hormones are telling them to do it. My hormones were going off the charts, so I lined up with the other girls, and one by one we had to sing, by ourselves. If you were any good, you got to stay for further auditions and if you were crap, you got given the boot then and there.

All very good for a teenaged girl to go though.

It was my turn. The lyrics still don’t make sense to me, but I still remember them, even though I cannot find my passport.

Hey look me over, lend me an ear,
Fresh out of clover, mortgaged up to here,
Don’t pass the plate folks,
Don’t pass the cup,
I figure whenever you’re down and out,
The only way is up..

Anyway, long story short I got into the choir of the musical and really fucked up the dance audition so I got NO TIME TO SHINE in front of the boys, to make them all fall in love with me.

The star of the show was none other than Adam Garcia. When he danced his solos, I think you could hear the teenaged horniness in the air. Everyone wanted a piece of him. He was a marked man from early on. But there I was, stuck in the back row of the choir, lacking any sort of charms and I had short brown hair which was really crap for swishing and finger twirling, which is what the other girls were doing en mass to attract attention.

My only hope to attract Adam Garcia was to engage in a shock and awe attack at the much-anticipated cast party.

The night of the party arrived and I donned my bestest SPORTSGIRL sweater that said SPORTSGIRL across it. You can bet your sweet ass someone’s older sister had bought them a bottle of vodka, so I took a swig and almost gagged. Fuelled by social lubricant and lulled by the lusty side affects, I started my mission to track down Adam and force my charms onto him.

When spotted, I realised he was surrounded by a bevy of beauties, all hair twirling and giggling  and batting eyelashes like they were having some sort of collective dance of seduction.

And then I knew. There was no way a dork from the back row of the choir could compete with the dancers. So I consoled myself and my hormones were treated to a quick dance floor pash with some dork from the band. My love, unrequited, faded over the years.

Now, well.. I feel nothing. Towards Adam Garcia.

My hormones are still here, but now they just want to grow me chin hair and turn me into a man.

How did your teenage years treat you?