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Daily Mail.

So what did you get up to on the weekend? Apparently we are all bullshitting about how fantastic the weekend was, so we can appear cultured, sexy and interesting. So I thought we could share what a real weekend looks like around these parts.

Firstly, Horatio goes to tennis training on a Friday night, so that kind of rules out clubbing for us. To be honest, I was never much a fan of clubbing, lining up for ages and then spending your time in a room that you cannot hear anyone and you don’t know any of the music, and you are not wearing a boob tube and sky high heels, but you are donning a sensible black pant and flats.

But I was delighted that we, as a group, managed to raise $3731.90 for Loud Shirt Day on Friday! This made us the top fundraisers so massive hugs to everyone. I went to bed feeling very humble.

Saturday was void of any commitments, so I started a mammoth spring clean, which lost it’s appeal quite quickly. But the thing about a solid Spring Clean is that you kind of have to tear the house apart before you put it back together, and I just could not be bothered to put it back together, so instead I lay on the couch and read this in one sitting. It was a good yarn.

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My sister Mrs Ryan turned up with Cousin Rose because they are about to start a massive house reno and she could not bear to be at home with all the activity. A wise move in my opinion. We tossed up whether we might hit the shops, but decided against it. Instead we went to a long walk and dropped in on some friends in the neighbourhood. One of them convinced us to go to the local pub with them that evening, but we were all like “Cannot be assed…” because we are so exciting.

A simple dinner was prepared and scoffed and then we looked at the kids and decided we COULD be assed, so up the pub we went to watch a tightly contested rugby match. The Wallabies lost, and the coach subsequently resigned and I shared my theory to all who was interested (which was no-one) that there is a big story about to break about the Wallabies, and that Kurtley Beale was a stinking moron and yes, I would love another glass of wine.

Then we came home and chatted till 1am.

Sunday morning arrived far too quickly and we went and ate our bodyweight in dumplings and I had a real coke. A REAL ONE! I never drink real coke, but I did yesterday. I TOLD YOU I LIVE AND EXCITING LIFE!

Are you envious yet?

Mum called to say that she had found the piece of jewellery that she had hidden somewhere safe. Relief all around. It between her mattress and base.

Yesterday we had every child in the neighbourhood in the backyard, playing. Until one of the younger siblings gave his big brother a bleeding nose and I called time on the trampoline and hosed off the blood.

I KNOW! I bet you wished you were me.

Then we went over to The Sparks place to see the weekend out with a beverage and some fine nibbles. It was during this gathering that Mrs Spark commented that her dog, a very special needs pug called DeeWhy, had a funny lump on its back. Of course I took a look and immediately announced that it was the biggest fucking tick I had ever seen, and get me the tweezers stat because I was an expert, having successfully removed two from the cat and one from Mr. Woogs neck before. It was wedged in deep, and it did take me some grunt to remove it. The tick was placed in a zip lock bag and then into the freezer so the vet can check out the whole situation today and (hopefully) give the dog the all clear.

Jealous yet?

But I think the best thing that happened was last night, when I was lying on the couch telling everyone to shut up because the X-Factor was on. The doorbell rang, and it was one of the school mums who presented me with a Lemon Drizzle cake, as a thank you for giving her a spare ticket to The Ryde School Spectacular earlier in the week. I was DELIGHTED and rubbed my hands in glee. I mean, what a result!

What about you?

Did you do anything that would give me weekendvy?