Can you do me a favour?

Screen Shot 2014-11-20 at 9.51.27 AM

So the Australian Cervical Cancer Foundation have asked me to ask you to go and get a Pap Smear. This week is Cervical Cancer Awareness Week and there are still 43% of us who are still not having a regular pap smear. So we are going to revisit a post I wrote back in September.

Each year, in the first week of Spring, I treat myself to my annual grease and oil change. (I am using the word treat probably in the wrong context here) I pop in and catch up with my GP and get a pap smear, a pelvic exam, and just for shits and giggles, my chesticals get a thorough seeing to.

So that day was yesterday. I presented myself to my GP to talk all things girly bits.

My GP is a lady, who we shall refer to as Dr Duckbill. Dr Duckbill is a very experienced GP who is as thorough as she is humourless. Which prove to be a problem as I turn into some sort of stand up comedian when faced with the speculum. I find humour covers and aids the control of my nerves.

Dr Duckbill does not smile the entire encounter. Not when I start quacking when she produces the speculum. When she tells me that my cervix looks normal, I ask her to rate it out of a ten, which she ignores. She comments that I have dense breasts, and I tell her that they are actually quite smart.

She is a commentator.

“I am lubricating the speculum” – much appreciated!

“I am sliding in the speculum” – what, no dinner first?

“I am scraping your cells” – I am not speaking at this stage, but am singing.

“I am removing the speculum” – pass me a post coitus cigarette please.

The truth is that the whole shebang is over in under a minute and a half, and I get a wave of satisfaction and congratulate myself on doing myself a great favour.

I practically skip out of the surgery! I HAVE DONE IT! DONE FOR ANOTHER YEAR!

I popped over to the shops to grab some stuff for dinner. Tim the Butcher asks me “What have you been up to?”

So I tell him, I have had my annual pink bits slip. He beams at me.

“Good on you! It’s so important.” I am immediately smug.

Next up is the fruit shop, where I am asked the same question, and proudly deliver the same answer. The reaction is not as enthusiastic. But the service is speeded up a bit.

Ladies, we all need to do this.

Some people go YEARS without having a pap smear and I know that some of you out there, because I checked the stats, HAVE NEVER HAD ONE. I am not shaming you, but I am pleading with you. PLEASE!!

Here are a few tips for those who get nervous about it. NEVER FEAR THE SMEAR!

Make the appointment as soon as you have finished reading this blog post.

Get the earliest appointment that you can, preferably the first one. Swallow the frog and all that jazz.

Be a lady and attend to your personal hygiene. Shave your pits. It will just make you feel better and is a courtesy to your GP.

Ask questions throughout. If you want.

I always swear by singing during the smear and exam. It helps me take my mind off things. Footloose is a great choice.

When you are done, go to the nearest group of shops and tell everyone where you have been.

When you are done, go and do something that you love. A treat! A mani, or a facial, or a coffee and cake at your favourite cafe.

Because you, my friend, have just done yourself the best favour that you can… well… give!

So, have I convinced you? Go and nag your mates, ok?

Or are you all up to date?