Are Children’s Dance Concerts More Painful Than Major Dental Surgery?

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Hugzilla is a piss-taking mummy blogger with a PhD in Snark. Her sub-majors are in parenting, kids and kitchen disasters.

Visit her blog here –http://hugzillablog.com/ and you should. Gal can write. 

Today on on Woogsworld we will be asking the all-important question:

Are children’s dance concerts more painful than major dental surgery?

To help answer that question we will be undertaking an exhaustive comparative analysis by looking at several key areas: duration, discomfort, expense and the procedure itself.

DURATION

The dance concert I went to on the weekend lasted OVER FOUR HOURS.

Four hours, fourty-one songs PLUS a grand finale that featured every single song and dance routine from the movie “Grease”. To say that it pushed the extremes of human endurance would be a understatement akin to saying that the 1400 page “War and Peace” is quick and easy to read.

In addition to the four hours running time, we also had to turn up two hours earlier to “claim our seat”. I’ve never had to turn up two hours early to claim my seat at the dentist. And I’ve never spent more than 4 hours in the chair.

More painful: Dance concert

DISCOMFORT

It is widely acknowledged that dental surgery is a painful and uncomfortable experience, and as a result it is medicated accordingly with various forms of anaesthesia and morphine-based narcotics.

There is no such relief offered at dance concerts. I was forced to self-medicate with endless handfuls of sugary treats, Smith’s crisps and schooners of beer. It’s not as fun as it sounds.

More painful: Dance concert

EXPENSE

The ticket for the dance concert cost $25. Approximate costs for dental surgery can range anywhere between $400 and $14,000.

More painful: Dentist.

I’d still prefer to pay the extra and go with the dental surgery option, if only for the nitrous oxide and Class A opiates.

PROCEDURE

I’ve never had root canal performed to an ear-screeching soundtrack of Cotton-Eye Joe, chipmunk versions of Beyonce tracks and every Aqua song ever recorded. The sound of the dentist’s drill is literally music to the ears in comparison.

I’ve never been to a dentist that twerks around the room in a black lace body suit or lurches around like a zombie puppet with constipation, which is essentially what contemporary dance looks like to the layperson.

I’ve never been to a dentist that makes teary longwinded speeches at the conclusion of every procedure, or who hands out bunches of flowers and gift bags to everyone involved, right down the to woman in accounts.

I’ve never seen a dentist apropos of nothing thrust their right leg high in the air and clutch their foot against their ear like they are trying to use it as a telephone. What the fuck is up with that?

I’ve never seen a dentist hand out awards to all the participants at the end of major dental surgery. The dance concert rivalled the Golden Globes for the sheer number of gongs handed out on the night.

Baby of the Year.

Pre-Junior of the Year.

Runner-Up Pre-Junior of the Year.

Intermediate of the Year.

Runner-Up Intermediate of the Year.

Intermediate Encouragement Award.

Senior of the Year.

And so on, until pretty much every single one of the 80 people on stage were awarded with SOMETHING, even if it was the Most Outstanding Runner Up in the Intermediate Stages of Encouragement Award.

And, tap dance routines: BORING.

So. Boring.

More painful: Dance concert.

CONCLUSION

In conclusion, it has been clearly established that dance concerts are significantly more painful than major dental surgery.

Here is a short list of things I would rather do than attend another end-of-year dance concert:

* birth a 10 pound baby without pain relief

* rupture an appendix

* sit through a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie marathon

* eat Heston Blumenthal’s mice lollipops

* give Tony Abbott a Brazilian wax and a full body massage

Anyone else suffering from Dance Concert Overload at the moment?

Second last practice before the ballet concert…

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