How to Swim.

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Glorious conditions right now at the beach. The kids have formed a little gang of 7, joining up with the offspring of friends, and they wander the streets eating icy poles. It is simple, traditional and good.

I had a wonderful swim this morning, and I have a pattern when I swim which I thought I would share with you, thinking there might be a few chicks out there that might relate. Slathered in sunscreen, I make sure my boobs are arranged in an upright position. This involves me man-handling them into the correct spot. You see I recently discovered that Costco sold the high-priced Miracle Suit for fifty bucks! I am bloody serious! You can buy them for $300 at DJ’s if you were insane. They are particularly good if you possess a serious set of chesticals.

Which I do…

Anyway, I then make my way down to the shore, all the while checking that everything that should be concealed, actually is. Such as furry flaps and the like. Then I stand ankle-deep and complain loudly that it is too freaking cold, and I am not going in.

I spend the next thirty minutes inching my way in, still complaining to anyone near by. And then, when I am about waist deep, one of my kids will push me over. I then realise how fucking glorious the water actually is and I spend time dugong-ing, which is floating on a boogie board because you cannot put your feet down, as creatures of the deep lurk at the bottom, waiting to bite you.

I scream, as a piece of seaweed brushes up against my legs.

I scream as a boogie boarder rushes towards me.

I scream as Mr.Woog tries to man-handle me inappropriately under the water.

But then I get out the back, just me and my boogie board, and float. I close my eyes and shut out the sounds of the beach and set my mind free, before I realise that I have drifted so far out that I would be the first one a sharkie would get to if he got hungry. So then I paddle back to shore, dodging the skim balls that my kids are trying to make contact with my head with, past my husband and his octopus ways and back onto the sand.

So. Very. Relaxing.

How do you swim?

And have you read this book yet? I still don’t know who gets murdered yet, so keep that to yourself!