Irony is not my friend.

Screen Shot 2015-01-28 at 9.53.11 am

Today I am writing a chapter in the book about chucking a sickie. It is ironic really, that on the first day of school I have one at home. Did you know that if you spend 6 entire weeks submersed in water, that being a pool or the ocean, that the MINUTE you stop, you come down with a raging ear infection?

So now you know.

It reminds me of the post I wrote a few years ago – Playing Dodgeball with the Universe. I have learnt a mighty fine lesson to expect the unexpected. It helps with my equilibrium and to contain a certain sense of chaos which seems to plague me.

I do, however, appreciate when parents keep crook kids away from others. Send me a medal people, or perhaps drop over a cake.

But growing up in my house, you had to be catatonic to even have half a sniff of a chance to get a day off school. And you want to know why?

MY MUM WAS A NURSE.

Having a mum as a nurse was both good and bad. She was able to diagnose anything and was able to calmly stem tides of blood that resulted when a bike collided with the back of a car. She was able to remove half the road that was embedded in your knee. Catastrophic bloody nose, dropped milk bottle smashing a toenail, concussion after a fall off my pony; all of it covered by Mumcare. I cannot even remember going to a doctor, now that I think about it.

You could not pull a sickie past her. You literally need to be defecating yourself with your head in the toilet, wailing in Swahili while sweating with a fever, before you were granted a leave pass from school.

They bred us tough, back in the day. These days, if you produce green snot in my house, that is the signal to down tools, put the new shoes back in the cupboard for a few days and mope around the house like some pathetic limpet. A pathetic limpet that leaves tissues everywhere with me following around with a pair on tongs, removing germs.

And all I wanted today was to run around the house naked, yelling YIPEEEE. Thank you Universal Dodgeball. You complete fucker.

Have you ever sent the kids to school when you knew that really, you shouldn’t have?

Are you liberal with your sickie leave pass, or are you more like my Mum was?

PS If you know me and live nearby, send tissues. And Vodka.