Should I write about public toilets?

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Last night I caught up with a couple of blogging mates and chewed the fat over a bottle of bubbles. We got a chatting about this and that, and I told them that I wanted to write a post about best practices in regards to the use of public toilets. And did they think that was an ok topic to investigate.

There were many, many questions and the concern was that some folks have very weak stomachs and may not appreciate such an observation.

I assured them that it would be tasteful, for I indeed had a lively and very real fear of public toilets. I am not talking public toilets in fancy restaurants, ones that are “serviced” regularly. I was thinking of public toilets that were attached to car parks, toilet blocks that are in rarely used public spaces and public toilets at events that have queues that go on for miles.

I was going to share a list of tips and tricks, such as:

  • How the first toilet cubicle that you go into inevitably houses a large turd sitting at the bottom of the bowl, devoid of any paper.
  • How the first thing you should do, when finding a turd free toilet, is to assess the toilet paper situation. It is rarely effective should there just be the shards of half ply sheet attached to the roll. (see above)
  • If the toilet block is fitted with those special lights that stop people trying to shoot up, you should perhaps find alternative arrangements.
  • That carrying a little packet of these DO NOT MAKE YOU A LOSER. It just makes you fresh!

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  • That if you need to do a number 2, it is wise to lay down a liberal bed of toilet paper so you can avoid the “splash back” of public toilet water, which is far more offensive than the water in your own toilet, except it is really just the same. Sometimes even the most vigilant public toilet user can get the shock of their lives when they forget to do so.
  • If you feel the need to pass wind in the style of a tuba, you should wait until the person next to you has finished, and time your musical tribute to the exact time that they flush.
  • Alternatively, if the person next to you is taking their damn sweet time, try the cough – cough – fart cover up tactic, so favoured by those who attend long operas. Because fancy people fart too.
  • To never, ever visit a pub’s toilet after ten o’clock of an evening.

There were many more ideas floating around my head, but I got the vibe that the crew didn’t think it was a good idea. So I decided to pass on it. So tomorrow, I will give you a super-dooper easy, one pan brownie recipe instead.