We are leaving in…..

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“We are leaving in five minutes…..”

It is my signature catch cry said so frequently that I am almost considering changing my will to make sure that it is featured on my tomb stone. But there really is no use saying it, because no one listens.

You see when the Woogs are due somewhere, I give them the 5 minute warning and while doing so, I gather up my necessary belongings into a handbag, keys, wallet, phone and the like. I wash my hands and make sure that I have no food on my face. I use the toileting amenities and finally locate my shoes.

“Let’s go!” My voice rings though the house. I start wandering around. Kids are in the exactly same position as they were 5 minutes ago. Mr. Woog is way down in the corner of the back garden pruning his azaleas. I completely lose my shit. And when I completely lose it, it is only then that everyone springs into action realising that I am not happy. And then it happens…

“Where is my other shoe?”

“I just need to go to the toilet.”

“I cannot find my phone.”

I stand in the kitchen repeating my mantra CALM AND RELAXED CALM AND RELAXED until I feel the wave of CALM AND RELAXED arrive. My rage starts to decline as people continue to rush around me, urgently seeking out mouthguard or something called “character shoes” so I can ferry them to their activities.

“Where is my headgear?”

CALM AND RELAXED CALM AND RELAXED.

So now, I give a fifteen minute warning, a ten minute warning, a five-minute warning and then I get in the car, toot the horn twice before driving off.

I mean, have you ever said “Let’s go people!” and everyone stops what they are doing, pops on their shoes and gets into the car?

Thought not.

Yesterday I went for a walk with my friend James and I told him my plan about blogging about this. He said “You really do write about the most banal shit, don’t you.”

And I totally agreed with him.

How long is the time that lapses in between “Let’s Go!” and when you actually go?