Choose your own adventure – The Other Ending

This post will make no sense at all unless you read this first.


As the door opened slowly, I felt like I had been punched in the face.

Punched in the face by the most putrid, vile, migraine inducing smell that I have ever encountered in my life.  You know those cartoons that you used to watch as a kid and when there was a bad smell, there were those green wafting hazes that appeared with skull and crossbones coming in and out. It was just like that.

“What in the fuck?” I thought as the kids went kind of berserk, no doubt immediately high on the evil toxic fumes. I ran from room to room, until I came to the room where the pong was the strongest and it was in this room that I saw it.

A dead rat under the sideboard. A rat who was roughly the size of a Pomeranian dog. I screamed and ran out of the room, out into the front yard, and took lungfuls of fresh air like I had just come up from the bottom of the ocean. The kids followed me. I instructed them to go back inside and get a plastic bag, and take care of the body.

I would wait for them outside.

After a moment, I heard some loud screams, so I ran back inside only to be told that the rat was infested. I would use the word maggots here, but that word is too obscene, so we shall call them fly babies. I looked at both of the kids, thinking to myself that I should step up here. Be strong. Protect their innocence.

But then I remembered pregnancy and labor and commanded that they clean up the scene. I gave them paper towels and plastic bags and Spray & Wipe and anything I could find. They reluctantly removed the wriggling yet dead rodent while I ran around the house, throwing open all of the windows and emptying an entire can of Glen 20 into the atmosphere.

A few hours later, Mr. Woog walked through the front door and made the face that you make when something doesn’t smell quite right. Nose screwed up a bit.

“What is that smell?” He asked.

I told him that it was the aroma of a rat in an advanced state of decomposition. They both agreed it was time to move out. Except that they couldn’t. They were on a long lease.