Newton’s Law of Motion.

I am not adverse to the thought of tubing, after all having done it before, I am now quite the expert. But I have never done it on the snow. You replace water with ice and flatness with steepness, so no biggie. I can do this.

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We brought tickets and took the gondola up over the village and alighted, grabbing a big inner tube thing, and made out way to the attendants who told us that due to the current conditions, the pace of the slopes were so fast that they were only allowing children to ride it.

GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD!

Because I realised that although the slope didn’t look that big from the bottom, in truth it was fucking ginormous.

It is a simple law of physics. Newtons Second Law of motion, to be precise, that being the vector sum of the forces F on an object is equal to the mass m of that object multiplied by the acceleration vector a of the object: F = ma. Which in simple terms is the bigger you are, the faster you go. And the attendants told us that some of the adults were travelling so fast that they were concerned that they were going to fly up and over the crash barrier, and end up back in the village down yonder.

Hey, no worries. I will just sit here and watch.

And that I did, as Horatio and Jack flew down that hill, time after time.

After a while there was an announcement saying that conditions had improved, the slope had somehow magically slowed down and adults were now welcome to tube. I looked and Mr. Woog and we both knew that we had to give it at least one go. As we got to the top of the hill, I told him that I wanted to go first, but he had already popped himself into his tube and was ready to go.

I called him a few choice names and then the lovely man who launches people from the top told him that he should listen to his wife and launched him hard, and in a spinning manner which was frightening for Mr. Woog and pleasing for me.

I then asked the launch man whether anyone had ever died doing this. He told me no. I then informed him that I wasn’t actually going to do it, and thanked him very much for his time. He told me that the only way back down the hill was via the slope. I told him that I might just cry. He told to stop holding up the line and just get on with it.

So I thought “Oh fuck it.” I plonked myself into the inner tube. He gave me a little gentle push and I slid for about a metre and thought, “This is nice….” and then Newtons Second Law of Physics reared it’s head and off I went.

Remember when Laurina jumped out of the plane during the Bachelor? That was me.

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My cheeks were wobbling as my mouth opened and let out one, long profanity for the entire ride. The air was positively buffeting as I did my best to break through the sound barrier. At one point I thought I saw a unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun. The tube began to turn and soon I was facing backwards which may have caused a small amount of urine to involuntarily leave my body. And just when I thought I could not go any faster, I WENT FASTER so I did what I tend to do when I am frightened.

I shut my eyes and began to sing Footloose.

And after about 3 hours, which in fact was about 35 seconds, I began to slow down until eventually I stopped. I immediately lay back in that tube and looked up into the perfectly clear aqua sky and thought to myself “Well done for not dying…” Mr. Woog was lying on the ground, his body racked in spasms from laughter.

I got up, apologised to the large group of parents and children for the language and exited the area.

Never to return again.

An Adrenaline Junkie, I am not. Are you?

What have you done? Bungee Jumping? Swimming with Sharks?